My husband and I were married this past Halloween. We started out as bed buddies, and then we caught feelings. We dated for 4 months and then tied the knot.
I'd been unemployed for 6 months when we began dating, and I quit a 3-month long temp. job just days after we were married. The temp. job I quit was AMAZING and I loved it (I was a house manager for a women's medical detox; I myself have a history of drug abuse and subsequent recovery). When a superior ordered me to put a young woman out on the street for truly no good reason at all and against my previous orders from my superior's superior, I refused to kick the young woman out. The work environment at the detox was beyond stressful, not because of the clients, but because of the mean-spirited and incompetent management/supervisory staff. The turnover rate there was EXTREMELY high, and for very obvious reasons. So, after this event and a run-in with yet another superior I decided that it was better for me to leave the position for the sake of my own mental wellbeing. I received a text message the next day from the individual that ordered me to kick out that client, and in the message he called me a loser. Just a confirmation to me that quitting that job was the best choice.
I never imagined that I would be out of work for another 3 months since then. This is the first month that we've fallen behind on our bills, and I'm now having to resort to paying the most important bills and ceasing to pay those that will not immediately affect our ability to stay alive and safe. I realize that we are not the first couple in history who have gone through this, and that is somewhat comforting.
Okay, so while all of this is going on, our upstairs neighbor was pushing us into complete and utter insanity. His constant use of uppers kept him awake 24/7 which kept us awake as well. I've had insomnia for 9 months, not to mention the fact that my neighbor attempted to sexually assault me and then months later started a fist fight with my husband (the cops said our neighbor looked worse for wear after that one, so the little bastard got what he deserved). We'd called the police a total of 9 times on this guy, and complained several times to the landlord only for them to do NOTHING. So we gave a 30-day notice to vacate, skipped out on the last month's rent so we could pay rent at a new place, and moved into a new, bigger, better, prettier, cleaner, quieter place.
My husband and I love each other, no doubt. But we fight constantly due to the extreme amount of stress we are always under. We're both in individual therapy, we both take meds, and we're about to start couples therapy. I've bought every book under the sun to figure out how I can cope with our problems on my end. We are both just completely missing the mark at all times, and I wake up every day wanting to die because I don't know what else to do. I won't even bother to attempt to kill myself because I have failed at suicide twice. I fail at EVERYTHING. Or so it seems. I feel so hopeless and discouraged, especially since my ex-husband left me in the midst of a big bout of postpartum depression. I am terrified that my current husband will leave me too when he gets tired of dealing with my major depression.
I know this is a long post. I myself am not a fan of novel length posts, but when one needs to vent, one needs to vent.
