Hi Everyone,
I've been feeling sufficiently healed that I'm thinking of having a limited relationship with a not-great parent. I don't plan on visiting, but having limited email contact. I've accepted that they will not own up to their behaviour so I have no expectations that they will continue to be anything but the cynical negative person they are.
My therapist thinks this is helpful in my continued healing, and I do hear a small child's voice in me wanting her dad.
Does anyone have experience in this situation? What did you decide and did it work out for you?
Thanks,
Heather
relationship with abusive parent?
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Heatherwantspeace
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- preferred pronoun: she
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
First, just considering this demonstrates that you have come a long way.
Do you know what an anxiety exposure hierarchy is?
It would be well worth your time to spend five minutes googling it. Come up with a hierarchy, and be willing to stop at any step.
Two more tools:
1. Scripting: write out what you’ll say to effect your boundaries.
2. Bookending: communicate with a trusted friend before and after taking a difficult step. In practice you can do this with your therapist, us here, or even both.
In general your idea is good. Just be sure you have a plan, share it with others, and then effect it.
Let us know how it goes, and remember that you can’t fail at this, since you are already a success.
Do you know what an anxiety exposure hierarchy is?
It would be well worth your time to spend five minutes googling it. Come up with a hierarchy, and be willing to stop at any step.
Two more tools:
1. Scripting: write out what you’ll say to effect your boundaries.
2. Bookending: communicate with a trusted friend before and after taking a difficult step. In practice you can do this with your therapist, us here, or even both.
In general your idea is good. Just be sure you have a plan, share it with others, and then effect it.
Let us know how it goes, and remember that you can’t fail at this, since you are already a success.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
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snoringdog
- Posts: 1450
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- Issues: anxiety, depression, automatic negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, SAD.
- preferred pronoun: "Good Boy!"
- Location: USA
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
Hello Heather,
Don't know the details, but the limited email contact method seems very good.
Corresponding this way removes the face-to-face emotional aspects and the nonverbal cues & triggers that can become impediments to whatever communication that might take place.
As Oak mentioned, it's important to have a clear idea of what you should and shouldn't expect going in to this, and a way to process your thoughts afterwards and to get an outside perspective.
Good luck, and wishing you well!
SD
Don't know the details, but the limited email contact method seems very good.
Corresponding this way removes the face-to-face emotional aspects and the nonverbal cues & triggers that can become impediments to whatever communication that might take place.
As Oak mentioned, it's important to have a clear idea of what you should and shouldn't expect going in to this, and a way to process your thoughts afterwards and to get an outside perspective.
Good luck, and wishing you well!
SD
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Heatherwantspeace
- Posts: 365
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- Gender: F
- preferred pronoun: she
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
Thanks Oak and SD!
I think the email works because I don't have to respond to things I don't want to, and I don't have to respond in real time. This works well with what you have both suggested, having clear ideas of when I will stop the interaction.
I did some visualization with my therapist last month and it got me to the point where I have no expectations of his response. That was the thing that was keeping me in pain--expecting a real response instead of meanness or smoke and mirrors. The contact (after almost a year of no contact) came about because a family member was ill. He let me know and I was genuinely grateful. So it was a very natural in that didn't require a lot of thought on my part. My reply to him was a sincere thanks with no agenda.
The part that's tripping me up is some part of me is saying he doesn't "deserve" to have me in his life. I'm trying to take the approach I see with forgiveness (and maybe that's really what I'm talking about here) that I'm doing this for the part of me that wants a father, and not for him. If anyone can see clearly what I've got going on in this area, I would love your thoughts. It just feels so muddled to me. Argh!
Heather
I think the email works because I don't have to respond to things I don't want to, and I don't have to respond in real time. This works well with what you have both suggested, having clear ideas of when I will stop the interaction.
I did some visualization with my therapist last month and it got me to the point where I have no expectations of his response. That was the thing that was keeping me in pain--expecting a real response instead of meanness or smoke and mirrors. The contact (after almost a year of no contact) came about because a family member was ill. He let me know and I was genuinely grateful. So it was a very natural in that didn't require a lot of thought on my part. My reply to him was a sincere thanks with no agenda.
The part that's tripping me up is some part of me is saying he doesn't "deserve" to have me in his life. I'm trying to take the approach I see with forgiveness (and maybe that's really what I'm talking about here) that I'm doing this for the part of me that wants a father, and not for him. If anyone can see clearly what I've got going on in this area, I would love your thoughts. It just feels so muddled to me. Argh!
Heather
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snoringdog
- Posts: 1450
- Joined: April 23rd, 2019, 5:49 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: anxiety, depression, automatic negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, SAD.
- preferred pronoun: "Good Boy!"
- Location: USA
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
Hello Heather,
A few thoughts inline
The part that's tripping me up is some part of me is saying he doesn't "deserve" to have me in his life.
SD- Well, that can actually be true, if you can let it remain an objective fact. The trouble comes with all the additional emotions that attach to it, such as anger, disappointment and the desire for retribution..These can really drain you.
I'm trying to take the approach I see with forgiveness (and maybe that's really what I'm talking about here) that I'm doing this for the part of me that wants a father, and not for him.
SD - It seems like first you need to make peace within yourself with the relationship situation, and then maybe (but its by no means guaranteed!) start to make peace with him.
If anyone can see clearly what I've got going on in this area, I would love your thoughts. It just feels so muddled to me. Argh!
Heather
SD- Having had a lot of time to think about this, do you have any insights into why he may be the way he is? ("Cynical and negative" sure sounds like depression to me. Often been there myself, and need to remind myself to look for the positive in things and other people....
)
Be well.
SD
A few thoughts inline
The part that's tripping me up is some part of me is saying he doesn't "deserve" to have me in his life.
SD- Well, that can actually be true, if you can let it remain an objective fact. The trouble comes with all the additional emotions that attach to it, such as anger, disappointment and the desire for retribution..These can really drain you.
I'm trying to take the approach I see with forgiveness (and maybe that's really what I'm talking about here) that I'm doing this for the part of me that wants a father, and not for him.
SD - It seems like first you need to make peace within yourself with the relationship situation, and then maybe (but its by no means guaranteed!) start to make peace with him.
If anyone can see clearly what I've got going on in this area, I would love your thoughts. It just feels so muddled to me. Argh!
Heather
SD- Having had a lot of time to think about this, do you have any insights into why he may be the way he is? ("Cynical and negative" sure sounds like depression to me. Often been there myself, and need to remind myself to look for the positive in things and other people....
)Be well.
SD
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Heatherwantspeace
- Posts: 365
- Joined: August 21st, 2018, 11:05 am
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- preferred pronoun: she
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
SD, what I see in him in fear.
When he told me earlier this year (which lead to no contact) that my family never thought about me and had much more important things to do than reply to my emails or texts, the echos I heard were his anger (which I believe is fear based) at me moving to a different city 10 years ago. If you were optimistic you might say that meant he would miss me, if you were me you would say he was angry I would be moving out of his reach/control. I think this fear also powers his rage which causes him to do things like put me in front of an oncoming semi in a road rage incident (3 years ago, stopped visiting).
This fear will always be more important to him than my well being. Also you will need to ice that cake with some further damaging abuse that I'm not going to get into here.
So here I sit trying to find the balance of giving the child me that bit of contact she wants and respecting the adult me who sees very little value in contact. You're probably right that there's still some feelings that need acknowledging. That's always what hangs us up, isn't it?
Thanks for your thoughts,
Heather
When he told me earlier this year (which lead to no contact) that my family never thought about me and had much more important things to do than reply to my emails or texts, the echos I heard were his anger (which I believe is fear based) at me moving to a different city 10 years ago. If you were optimistic you might say that meant he would miss me, if you were me you would say he was angry I would be moving out of his reach/control. I think this fear also powers his rage which causes him to do things like put me in front of an oncoming semi in a road rage incident (3 years ago, stopped visiting).
This fear will always be more important to him than my well being. Also you will need to ice that cake with some further damaging abuse that I'm not going to get into here.
So here I sit trying to find the balance of giving the child me that bit of contact she wants and respecting the adult me who sees very little value in contact. You're probably right that there's still some feelings that need acknowledging. That's always what hangs us up, isn't it?
Thanks for your thoughts,
Heather
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snoringdog
- Posts: 1450
- Joined: April 23rd, 2019, 5:49 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: anxiety, depression, automatic negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, SAD.
- preferred pronoun: "Good Boy!"
- Location: USA
Re: relationship with abusive parent?
Hello Heather,
What a hurtful thing for him to say. You do have some support from your siblings, no?
Anger covering fear...
I guess overly-controlling types are afraid of feeling/being powerless, and haven't developed the skills to communicate and negotiate, right? The anger comes from frustration at not getting what you think it is you want...
Road rage - I've experienced it, but have thankfully learned to relax. It comes from a mix of things for me - being in a hurry & stressed, and then feeling disrespected, endangered, and angry at the people flouting the "rules of the road".
SD
What a hurtful thing for him to say. You do have some support from your siblings, no?
Anger covering fear...
I guess overly-controlling types are afraid of feeling/being powerless, and haven't developed the skills to communicate and negotiate, right? The anger comes from frustration at not getting what you think it is you want...
Road rage - I've experienced it, but have thankfully learned to relax. It comes from a mix of things for me - being in a hurry & stressed, and then feeling disrespected, endangered, and angry at the people flouting the "rules of the road".
SD
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brownblob
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Re: relationship with abusive parent?
I don't know what your father's comments were motivated by.
I think you just need to focus on yourself and your needs. Are you motivated by wanting to make piece with this situation? Is it a child's desire for a father that she didn't have? If so, is this realistic or healthy?
My experience may not be helpful as my situation may be different. I stop contact with my father 30 years ago. I was in a bad place and realized he brought nothing to my life. It was not a thought through decision but was the right decision and I have never regretted it or felt that desire that you have. I have an envy of people who had better relationships with their parents or more supportive upbringings but never a desire to see my own father.
I've also gone through something with the rest of my family. I did not cut them off or anything, but I came to the realization that the unreturned emails and the fact that I had to be the one to do the work as far as having contact with them was a sign that they weren't that into me. I just stopped trying and made my peace that I was a bit of an oddball in my own family. If they contact me or invite me to something I will usually go, but if I don't hear from them for awhile I just accept that too. I also give myself permission to turn them down if I have other plans or something is not convenient for me. I will not be that kid anymore who is so desperate for attention and love that is just not being returned on an equal basis. I'm not saying they don't love me or that I don't love them, but I always felt that I was desperate for their love and was kind of taken for granted and treated with indifference.
I think you just need to focus on yourself and your needs. Are you motivated by wanting to make piece with this situation? Is it a child's desire for a father that she didn't have? If so, is this realistic or healthy?
My experience may not be helpful as my situation may be different. I stop contact with my father 30 years ago. I was in a bad place and realized he brought nothing to my life. It was not a thought through decision but was the right decision and I have never regretted it or felt that desire that you have. I have an envy of people who had better relationships with their parents or more supportive upbringings but never a desire to see my own father.
I've also gone through something with the rest of my family. I did not cut them off or anything, but I came to the realization that the unreturned emails and the fact that I had to be the one to do the work as far as having contact with them was a sign that they weren't that into me. I just stopped trying and made my peace that I was a bit of an oddball in my own family. If they contact me or invite me to something I will usually go, but if I don't hear from them for awhile I just accept that too. I also give myself permission to turn them down if I have other plans or something is not convenient for me. I will not be that kid anymore who is so desperate for attention and love that is just not being returned on an equal basis. I'm not saying they don't love me or that I don't love them, but I always felt that I was desperate for their love and was kind of taken for granted and treated with indifference.
I don't like people much and they don't much like me. -A Beautiful Mind
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
I'm Homesick for a home I never had.--Soul Asylum "Homesick"
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Heatherwantspeace
- Posts: 365
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Re: relationship with abusive parent?
BB,
my experience with my siblings is so similar. I sent them all an email a couple of years ago, saying if they can't even respond to a Merry Christmas email, they wouldn't be hearing from me anymore. One didn't answer, one said essentially Ok by me, and one said they will try harder. The last one has put in more effort, but if I express any emotion in my email other that mild happiness, he will not reply. So if I want to hear from him it has to be about weather or getting new tires etc.
I know exactly what you mean about taking whatever is offered when you're desperate for love. I don't know what keeps me wanting a small connection with a parent who has brought me so much pain. I know that I no longer feel a rush of emotion when I see an email from him. And I even laughed when he replied to my sincere email about the death of his friend with a non-sequetor about removing moss from a roof (I do not have a moss problem). Maybe I'm still learning so much about my family dynamics from him. Maybe I'm too influenced by my therapist on this issue. I just don't know.
I really appreciate your thoughts.
Heather
my experience with my siblings is so similar. I sent them all an email a couple of years ago, saying if they can't even respond to a Merry Christmas email, they wouldn't be hearing from me anymore. One didn't answer, one said essentially Ok by me, and one said they will try harder. The last one has put in more effort, but if I express any emotion in my email other that mild happiness, he will not reply. So if I want to hear from him it has to be about weather or getting new tires etc.
I know exactly what you mean about taking whatever is offered when you're desperate for love. I don't know what keeps me wanting a small connection with a parent who has brought me so much pain. I know that I no longer feel a rush of emotion when I see an email from him. And I even laughed when he replied to my sincere email about the death of his friend with a non-sequetor about removing moss from a roof (I do not have a moss problem). Maybe I'm still learning so much about my family dynamics from him. Maybe I'm too influenced by my therapist on this issue. I just don't know.
I really appreciate your thoughts.
Heather