Having problems with groups, getting lonelier

[troebia]

For me the same pattern repeats over and over, after getting to know a group of art-minded people IRL or after joining an online art group. First of all let me tell you I'm not the kind of person that craves constant attention or believes is always best and right or thinks is in possession of some supreme knowledge. On the contrary, the reason I seek out these art groups is to learn from other people and get inspiration. I show my works together with the others without expecting praise or special attention, and I like (and need) critique if it's well-mannered and to the point. Everything seems fine for a while, but after some time someone always starts bullying me or trying to exclude me from the conversation. Usually this person is someone who has a very high opinion of themselves and has a superior education, and the only explanation seems to be that they perceive me as some kind of threat. I try to ignore these subtle or not so subtle attacks, but gradually I'll lose interest and eventually abandon the group.

My art is not yet at the level that I'd want to promote and sell it. I hope to get there some time in the next year or two, but it's hard work. I really need to feel part of some community, since I live in a rural area more than half an hour from a larger city and can't mingle with like-minded people every week. Right now I'm only participating in online art groups where everything is fluffy and great and nobody actually critiques anything, but I need more feedback on the stuff I make without going through cycles of drama over and over.

Has anyone been in a similar group situation? Is it simply about getting a thicker skin? It doesn't have to be specifically about art.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Troebia!

There is nothing wrong with you where you _have_ to grow a thicker skin. Your analysis of the situation is probably correct, that the jerks perceive you as some kind of threat to their ego.

However, _if_ you grow a thicker skin, you will be able to enjoy the benefits of more online and real-life groups.

I try to remind myself that it is illogical to take injury from someone who I don't respect, and that jerks are simply denying themselves the benefits of my good graces. But this is easier said than done... The way that helps me bring my rational mind and my subconscious mind in harmony is to just repeat what I want my subconscious to learn as a mantra, and forgive myself for it being a slow process with some setbacks.

Whatever you decide, let us know how it goes.

All the best, take care, cheers.

[Beany Boo]

I don’t have a lot to offer.

I’m reading in a clash of role relationships.

Different roles have different boundaries.

I think you’re correct in that you threaten the boundaries of other artists. Possibly because you highlight their fragility. They push back unexpectedly, unpredictably to maintain the image of an artist they are creating for themselves.

I guess it’s vital to see the subtle distinction between your identity as an artist and your role as an artist in a community. You can be open in both your identity and your role but, in your role, also generate the needed distance at points where it’s important to protect yourself and your art practice; protect it from discrimination, ignorance, disrespect, impatience.

The stuck points or sore points are not necessarily for you to solve. They will probably be in the world for a long time though. Navigating them will add value to your developing art practice, and give you a powerful communication ability as a person.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

It's hard, (and you really shouldn't have to do this, since the problem is on their end) but instead of just trying to ignore them, have you tried to engage?
Gentle, mannered confrontation? Others in these groups surely get uncomfortable if someone becomes boastful or domineering....

BTW - What's your medium - painting, sketching, sculpture?

SD

[troebia]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, I feel supported here.

I try to remind myself that it is illogical to take injury from someone who I don't respect, and that jerks are simply denying themselves the benefits of my good graces.

I guess it’s vital to see the subtle distinction between your identity as an artist and your role as an artist in a community.

Good points. It's hard because you easily get influenced by people who are more skilled at what you like most, that is I'll still "respect" the superior work of someone who treats me badly. A great watercolor or acrylics painting is still great, although the artist is a f-ing jerk.
I'm actually not afraid of conflict if it doesn't hit so close emotionally: for example, a neighbour hates my guts because I keep on insisting he should pay his community maintenance fees in full and it's my turn to be responsible this year for keeping things in order. Every time I try to reason with him, the old man (he's loaded btw) walks off screaming and raining insults on me. But it doesn't affect my emotions because I don't identify with the role of a tax collector, it's just something I have to do against my will.

, have you tried to engage? Gentle, mannered confrontation?

Well, I try not to counter an insult with another insult. What I've noticed is that when things get ugly, the ones in the group that I get along well with will look the other way, because they won't risk antagonizing the stronger bully. It's understandable to some extent, we're not blood brothers or anything... A stronger person than me would maybe simply shrug off the attacks, and the next time of meeting IRL stare the jerk down and try to show them it doesn't affect them. But I tend to just fade away. Anyhow my wife says I've become more zen about stuff lately, so perhaps there's some progress

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

I don't mean trading insults, that's counterproductive. Just calling things out for what they are, in a diplomatic way (very hard when we're emotional though).

Paul and others always talk about setting boundaries, and that's what I' m thinking. The other party needs to know (and really already does) that insulting others is unacceptable, no matter what the context. (It's hard for me to understand the dynamics of the groups, why they would tend to get hostile...).

What do the other members of the group think? - any conversations had when the bully/domineering party isn't around?

SD

[troebia]

Thanks SnoringDog,

Just calling things out for what they are, in a diplomatic way

I've tried, but for those kinds of people it's a kind of encouragement.

What do the other members of the group think?

These groups aren't organized or policed and people come and go. I've gotten some spontaneous sympathy from a couple of members but I don't really want to cry out for help. I feel calmer now and I'm putting it all down to "sh*t that happens on social networks". I'm going to continue working without engaging with them. The anonymous online art communities can be enough for now, and I've also discovered a couple of unexpensive paid workshops where the tone is totally different.

[snoringdog]

Great! Who needs that toxicity anyway?

Some people can only feel good about themselves when stepping on others....

[troebia]

Here's an update on my first post in January. I've basically retired from social media and feeling better for it. Now less obsessed with technique and learning in art, and getting inspiration from nature and abstract concepts instead of mainly watching others' work. I have a website but I'm reluctant to upload anything I've created there atm, but I plan to set up a password protected space to show people I trust what I'm doing.

Related or not, also some friends and family feel more distant now. I seem to transmit some kind of social awkwardness that pushes away people I used to get along with well. Or maybe it's just that these relationships were unhealthy and now I'm asserting my own rules, for my own health. Coming from a Northern European country thirty years ago to live in Spain made it practically necessary to bury my sincerity under social convention, and now it seems to be seeping out from the cracks again. It doesn't feel "good" or "better", it's like a natural process I have little control over.

Troebia