Being Harrased

[nightcitysong]

Hi everyone.

My ex and I broke up a month ago. I asked for no contact agreeing we could be friends in the future but not for at least a year. Since then he has non stop text, called, and messaged on every platform he could. I warned him to stop or I’d block and it continued.

Now he is sending me gifts and letters. Saying he misses me and the relationship is not over and he will wait for me, etc. He has also shown up at my house.

I still love him so this is incredibly hard and upsetting for me. I feel so devastated he is doing this. My therapist wants me to confront him in person and tell him it’s over and to stop or I will be contacting the police.

He wasn’t abusive but our relationship became toxic. He love bombed me at the start and also used a lot of strange gaslighting and also silent treatment techniques. Eventually I ended it as I felt communication was so bad and also we wanted very different things.

It feels like I’m being love bombed again. I am not feeling ready to do this and feeling so scared to permanently kick this person out of my life.

Please send advice and thoughts. I need to be strong but I feel weak and vulnerable.

[snoringdog]

Hello nightcitysong,

I like your screen name... it's evocative somehow.

A couple of thoughts from afar. (Very difficult, of course).

1. It sounds like the 'separation agreement' you mentioned wasn't mutual... was it?
Can you (did you) put a hard date on it? And maybe discussed a few "rules" for re-engagement, if/when that should ever happen?

2. He sounds he's suffering from some issues himself. Has he ever admitted to such? (Any self-reflection on his part?)

3. What do you think his motivation & thinking is... What does *he* get out of the relationship, (toxic or not)?

As Paul says, "I'm not a doctor, just a (fill-in-the-blank)."
But you deserve a response, and until wiser readers than I chime in, this is my small contribution...

Be well.

SD

[Beany Boo]

I’ve been him in this situation and the thing that worked was hearing “I think you need to seek counseling”. Delivered out of genuine concern, I accepted it. It was hard for me, but it worked out eventually.

I couldn’t force the relationship to make my personal problems go away. And it was abusive to expect the other person to somehow pretend everything was okay.

I certainly couldn’t have articulated adequately in words what was going on for me enough, to resolve it within the relationship. If he accepts “I think you need counseling” you’ve done what you can.

If you feel scared now then he was abusive then, and it’s just coming out now and he doesn’t like how the pain is making him act. Maintaining contact will be too painful for him. He needs to recover.

I agree with your therapist. Find out the process ahead of time for how to contact police on this issue, so you’re not working it out in the moment.

Also, reconnect with friends to alleviate your vulnerability. Don’t come into contact with him, but if it’s unavoidable don’t do it alone (find a trusted support). Especially at night.

Hope this helps.

[rivergirl]

Hi nightcitysong,

I don't want to be alarmist, but I'm shocked that your therapist would make this recommendation:

My therapist wants me to confront him in person and tell him it’s over and to stop or I will be contacting the police.

You can find information about breakups, stalking, and femicide from various domestic violence organizations. Here's one example:

https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497 ... _sheet.pdf

Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

rivergirl

[nightcitysong]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the support and advice. Yeah, I was a little shocked at my therapist too. I discussed it with her and told her I didn’t feel safe taking that action and she said I made the right choice to follow my own instinct and intuition.

I hadn’t heard from him for two weeks and was feeling relief. He created a new email and mailed me last night to say he’s sending me a “final letter” in the mail. I really hope it is the final one.

I hate the feeling of anxiety and dread that washes over me, knowing he’s going to be invading my space once again with his bullshit.

What’s so strange is this clearly isn’t about me at all - this is all about him and his ego, his issues, his need to control and exert himself. I’m just a sort of container for his bullshit. I’m sad I put you with it for as long as I did but glad I’m free from his insanity.

I won’t lie, I’m feeling pretty paranoid, on edge, avoiding certain places, lacking confidence, have disabled any public social media as he will be stalking me and messaging me there, and am avoiding any public places. It’s pretty awful. Part of me is considering moving.

[nightcitysong]

I’ve been him in this situation and the thing that worked was hearing “I think you need to seek counseling”. Delivered out of genuine concern, I accepted it. It was hard for me, but it worked out eventually.

I couldn’t force the relationship to make my personal problems go away. And it was abusive to expect the other person to somehow pretend everything was okay.

I certainly couldn’t have articulated adequately in words what was going on for me enough, to resolve it within the relationship. If he accepts “I think you need counseling” you’ve done what you can.

If you feel scared now then he was abusive then, and it’s just coming out now and he doesn’t like how the pain is making him act. Maintaining contact will be too painful for him. He needs to recover.

I agree with your therapist. Find out the process ahead of time for how to contact police on this issue, so you’re not working it out in the moment.

Also, reconnect with friends to alleviate your vulnerability. Don’t come into contact with him, but if it’s unavoidable don’t do it alone (find a trusted support). Especially at night.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for sharing this. I definitely think he’s having some kind of breakdown that isn’t entirely related to me. I hope he will get help but he is extremely narcissistic and feels he can handle everything on his own and is above most of society. I think he had a similar issue with his ex and stalked her too, so this seems to be a pattern for him unfortunately. I’m not sure he can be helped.

[nightcitysong]

Update. He sent me more expensive flowers and mail. (Haven't responded in 2 months after requesting no contact clearly.) Sent him a message to say f he continues I will call the police.

Didn't want to do this. Horribly worried about him. Feel like garbage.

[rivergirl]

Hi nightcitysong,

I just saw your updates. Sounds heartwrenching.

I know it's easy for me to say this looking in from the outside, but your ex isn't capable of worrying about you or what's best for you right now, so to the extent you can, please try to worry more about you than about him, and spend whatever energy you can to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

We're here for you.

rivergirl