I am Socially Incompetent

[Anthony]

Hello, let me just start by saying my problem is more the absence of something. I am probably not going to be able to define it very well and hopefully we can work it out.

****Feel Free to skip this****
I won't go too far back, just about a year and 7 months, the beginning of my junior year of public high school. for 11 years I had attended private Catholic institutions and this was hopefully going to be a nice change. I don't think I will ever be able to assess if this change was truly for the better. For one, I stopped believing in the religion near the end of the 8th grade, but all my friends I had were inside this system and I was scared that leaving them would mean being alone (also just about everyone was going on to a private high school). Freshman year was kind of blur, but then my second year was unexpectedly good. Especially with hindsight, this was my favorite, albeit most dramatic, year. People liked me and I felt I might have a chance at making friends, alas, I made the decision to leave. I am pretty sure it was the right decision. I tell myself those people never really new me and if they did they would probably hate me
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So, I think this article http://tinyurl.com/lfrsbrr really helped me acknowledge my deficiency. I wouldn't say I was abused, I just don't know how to talk with people. I don't know how to find out if someone wants to talk with me or if they are just tolerating me. When I was going to a counselor I would often keep coming back to the point that I don't find myself interesting. I feel that in the worst case scenario, that the person I'm talking to doesn't like me, I would also be boring that person. Yeah, so I think I am destined to die alone because I am so boring.

Oh, also I consume a lot of media (I don't know a good way of communicating that without sounding like a robot), but I somehow manage to form little to no opinion on it. I follow critics and often just parrot their feelings so I feel I am not able to have my own thoughts. I can recognize extremes without being primed, but I can't form nuanced opinions.

[Anthony]

Okay, there is no "edit" option or am I just not seeing it? Anyways, I am just now seeing the cruel irony in having my first thread topic being "I am Socially Incompetent" and then having an children's anime/cartoon fan-art crossover avatar. I didn't realize until I posted. So, far I am really great at keeping stereotypes going!

I also wanted to add more. I'll try to keep it short. I feel I find excuses to not be friends with people. I don't want to invest time with someone and then leave them when I think I find someone better or maybe I figure out I just don't like that person.

And for seemingly no reason: I really like music and I have no one to talk with about it. it's really sad. Like I said before though, even if did, my only opinion would be "it's good." So, I'm thinking what's even the point.

[brave-girl-living]

Kind of sounds like a big absence of self worth with good doses of self shame. You don't seem to think you are very interesting yourself; so you won't ever be able to believe someone else does. I think if you found worth in your thoughts and opinions you would start to develop them too, and then be able to share them with others. I think that thinking poorly of yourself can totally create huge social barriers. You need to feel like you have something to offer in order to connect! You are a unique person simply as a default of humanity. So you DO have things to offer. I hope you can learn to trust that!

[Anthony]

Thanks for replying, means a lot.
I'd think what you're saying fits the narrative thus far. I probably won't ever find anyone that acknowledges my religious upbringing as abuse. I think the worst thing that happened to me was in my sophomore year (last year in Catholic school) and I was crying in the counselor's office, my dad was there, and I said, through sobs, that being raised Catholic is child abuse and my dad told me it wasn't.

So, I guess I thought that feeling of uselessness that comes with religion, it did for me anyways, was just a part of me now. It's funny because I have no idea if it is me that's messed up or the institution I was raised in or both. I don't have any real evidence or anecdotes that private school caused this, it was all little things. It's almost perfect that way. I will be the lone person screaming at how this institution ruined me and everyone will just think I am crazy.

Thanks again. I really feel I don't have anyone to communicate with. My mom is currently scheduling appointments for me and those made me feel better last time.

[brave-girl-living]

I was raised in a very religious home and from that experience came out with constant feelings of guilt and shame. I wanted to fit in, conform, be good enough and be accepted. It totally messed with my inner balance and my self worth and I do a lot of reading about spiritual abuse and I consider myself a spiritual abuse victim because of the control and propaganda used against my through my whole childhood and early adult life.

So yeah, I hear ya.

[mclovin27]

Everything u described is me. Everything u said are thoughts that are constantly in my head. I'm boring. I don't want to talk to people because then they will realize just how boring I am. I would rather be bat shit crazy than boring. I don't have any friends. That is not an exaggeration. I understand EXACTLY how you feel and am relieved to hear somebody feels the same as me. I would very much like to talk more.

[Anthony]

Hey, sorry, I didn't reply sooner, I just finished school. I have mixed feelings about someone feeling the same as me. While we may be able to tackle this together I wouldn't wish this, or any mental illness/whatever I'm calling this on anyone. After talking to my doctor I'm more worried about being a nuisance and no one telling me than being rejected. Yeah, it'd suck to be rejected, but I don't think anyone would ever reject you outright if you just had a casual conversation with them. If they were that shallow I wouldn't want to know them anyway.
I just don't think I really put myself out there that much, for multiple reasons. One of which is because I've become distant from old friends. Someone who I considered my best friend in grade school went to a different high school, then transferred to mine and he would barely acknowledge me (I approached him multiple times and he even came up to me once...). Still, People generally liked me more at this high school, but they didn't really know me.
Well, sorry I wrote a bunch. Feel free to reply or not. If you want to end the conversation at anytime you can. I am emailed whenever someone makes a post to this thread.