What do I do?

[strychix]

Because the internet is the only place that is safe.

I love my boyfriend.

He's sweet, playful, funny, strong. I love nothing more than his arms around me. He's more understanding of my bipolarity, my obsessions, my anxiety. Granted, he has his own issues. And I feel I cannot burden him with my dissociative issues that Stone Sour seemed to have written Through Glass.

I love my boyfriend.

He's great. We have the most fun together. Maybe it's both of our bipolar issues, we both get so manicly happy. Then we fight. Oh, the fights. I shut down, he yells. Throws things. He doesn't hit me. I throw things. I pull a knife and threaten to castrate him. And then he breaks up with me. Then I tell him he hasn't. And I'm not even sure why I say that. I'm not even sure what is going on.

I love my boyfriend.

I look at my life, and I can't imagine being without sometimes. And I love my life. But I know I traded my freedom for it. I used to be so carefree, coming home at the wee hours in the morning. I can't imagine a future without him. When we're apart, I just wonder how much longer we'll stay together. When he's not around, I want out. When he is around, I want nothing more than to make it work.

I love my boyfriend.

And I'm torn. Somewhere between isolated logic, looking at my life through glass and hating it. And the comfort of everything he is. I really do love him, but then I feel like I'm telling myself too much. Trying to convince myself. How can I love someone who throws the times I've been raped in my face, how can I not love someone who is there to catch me every time I fall?

I've cheated before. I'm awful.
I've never cheated on him, I'm so proud of myself.
He accuses me of cheating, he's an ass.
He has every right to assume that, he has no right to assume that.

I'm a princess. I'm a prisoner.

And I don't know what to do about it. I can't ask anyone what to do about it. So I'm asking you, oh great anonymous internet...

What do I do?

What do you do when you love the life you have, but you loved yourself more before you had it?

What do you do when you know it isn't going to work, but you want it to?

What do you do when you start feeling sexual attraction for other people, but you don't want to cheat?

What do you do when you're not strong enough to end it, and not confident enough to fix it?

What do I do?

[kitterztoo]

That song is awesome, isn't it?

When I was in college, I had a relationship much like that. It comes down to being afraid to live alone, without having someone comfortable next to you. Sure, he's not overtly cruel, so you settle. Settle for the little things that are good, but also ignore the fact you and he aren't really emotionally healthy together. I know I'm not living your life, and I can't really see both sides, but it really looks like a list of settling for right now in a entwined relationship (a tad co-dependent?) where it's like your bipolar. One minute it's awesome (you are blinded to what's wrong) and the next it's awful (you hate it, but can't tear away from what you think will be awesome again.)

I have no idea your age, but it would be good to have an impartial 3rd party (a therapist, counselor, etc) help you figure out if this relationship is really healthy. I'm sad to say, I don't think it is. You are worth more than that. A therapist, counselor, and the like can help you figure out what to do next and to show you how to stand on your own without settling for the comfort of a relationship that has serious flaws.

[strychix]

My biggest thing is what if every relationship is settling.

I know I'm not old. But I feel like I don't have a whole lot of time to have a few more long term boyfriends to find which one isn't a settle... Only to probably find out that everyone settles and it's all some big lie.

[kitterztoo]

If you're settling in each and every relationship, you might want to look at why you're doing that. I'm going to take a wild guess, but here goes...you're afraid of being alone? Afraid no one will want you? I guarantee there's a healthy relationship for you out there; I don't think you know what that looks like or how to be in one.

I'm 44 and I've spent 26 years in a marriage I shouldn't have ever been in, because I had better hang onto him since I didn't think I could do any better. I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I now know I wasn't capable of loving anyone nor could I have handled a loving relationship. I'm still working on myself with a therapist so I don't make the same mistakes. Don't settle because you've been in this relationship for a long time. My husband convinced me of that when I was thinking of moving on. His words were, "I've put too much time into this relationship to just throw it all away."

We had been together one year. I married him 2 years later. Biggest mistake of my life. Don't do "time" in a bad relationship. It never gets better in the long run. You deserve better.