boyfriend needs some space

[WiltedRose]

there are probably only 2-3 people in my 42 years I've allowed to be semi close to me. The longest standing one being my current "boyfriend", Matt. We've been dating - on and off for 5 years. The "off" times were my fault/ my fears of intimacy, and ultimately we'd end up working through it and get back together. Even though we are different in many ways, we are a perfect intellectual match... I trust him completely. I love him. And he loves me and cares very much.
A week ago I confronted him saying he seemed a little "stand-offish" and I worried there were some unspoken issues we weren't addressing. And I was right. He told me flat out my compulsive behaviors are very hard for him to deal with lately. And I don't blame him. (my pathology, in my words - I think at the core is bad anxiety/depression - which I manage through OCD behaviors - it all manifests in a severe eating disorder. I have been off work for 3 months on medical leave - soon to returnn part time until my Doctor says I can do full time again. Admittedly my obsessions/compulsions/ridgidity around routines are tough to deal with. I am in heavy treatment for all of this. I have improved over the last three months. But not perfect. Far from it. My compulsive exercise routines, generally encompassing hours a day, are exhausting - but I can't NOT ENGAGE in them because despite the cocktail of different meds I'm on ( and constantly being experimented with) , the extreme exercise (as well as controlling food/ coupled with bulimic episodes here and there).... it's my entire life. I always say the EATING DISORDER (and other pathologies) are my life - everything else is just an interruption. Though I do love Matt. I just get so anxious if he wants to get together or spend time together when I don't feel safe in my routines for the day. I'm sure he hates it. And he said that he is watching me kill myself and it's very hard for him to stand by and be unable to make me listen to my doctors/clinicians who are treating me.
Just getting it off my chest.
I miss him.
I'm sad he's afraid of me.
I'm lonely , as he is one person I let see the real me.
I hate my broken brain.
And it's so unfair mental illness is not viewed by society as a whole (including most insurance policies) as an illness as "real" as systemic diseases that you can see more outwardly objectively - or in bloodwork, medical testing. Makes me feel all the more crazy to be in such an invalidating society.
sorry to vent. I hope Matt and I can one day work things out which means I need to get healthier.....
Like it's just a matter of making a decision , "Oh - ok - I 've decided I'm just going to be happy and feel comfortable in my own skin from now on." *sigh* If only.....

Thanks for reading

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, WiltedRose. I am so sad that your pain is compounded now. But it will get better. Stay on the self-loving course. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[WiltedRose]

I just can hear Paul saying something like (not verbatim)..." Being around a mentally ill person is effing exhausting. They drain you...." And I don't want to be one of "those people". Paul also says it's especially difficult to be around people who are not willing or trying to get help. And I question this in myself. I couldn't have a more involved treatment team. And yet - I still find myself scoffing at their medical advice too often, defending and justifying my unhealthy behaviors (referring to the stuff you see on the outside - acting on eating disorder/compulsive exercise... in order to help regulate the anxiety/depression that is NOT as visible).
I hope that Matt can hang in there with me and at the same time, I respect his decision if he just can't take it. I only have myself to blame here. UGH. This is why I generally AVOId relationships. They are too much work. I have lots of superficial relationships, but right now - Matt is the only true deep trusting relationship in my little world here. The one person I can show the "real me" ,, aside from my therapist and doctors on my tx team.
Just thinking about it.... feels good to write it somewhere.