Hokori's Diary

[Hokori]

This is my first time on the board completely and only been listening to the podcast for a few weeks. I plan on doing some on the surveys soon as well but I thought I would start here since I just started a Diary for the first time anyway with today being the second time I wrote anything in it so I thought I would write it here as well. I wrote a blog about my depression and my podcast and website on there when I started it and it felt really good opening it up to people so here goes.

Depression is a funny thing. I know that's an odd statement to say but it's true. Obviously it's not the ha ha type of funny it's just something that's pretty unpredictable and can effect you and other people in multiple different ways.
Some days you can go out and be the life of the party, other days you could be too scared to do anything, even to see your best friend of nearly 10 years who you live with. Today I feel like it's one of those days. I got up feeling pretty good but once I saw that the video of the podcast was taking longer to render than I thought everything shattered. My vision of the day that I had just disappeared, and I spent around 2 hours just pointlessly looking through facebook at people I don't care about. I read some mangas to try and distract me for a while and rejuvenate me but nothing happened.
I had a hole day planned out but once that first little thing happened I just couldn't function anymore. It's pathetic I know but even the simplest of tasks that I wanted to do seemed like a mountain I wouldn't be able to climb.

My days at the moment seem pretty bleak. I don't know what I've been doing for the past month since I got suspended and fired, apart from avoiding any responsibilities. I've looked for jobs but when I think about it I barely have but I've been pretending to my self all this time that I've been doing so much more and that I would be hired soon and have so much more money than I did before.

I'm nearly solely surviving off my girlfriend's money which makes me feel terrible. But what's worse is that I'm finding this relationship hard to keep up. I really like her but she also suffers, having many pains in her life before meeting me makes it hard for her to trust me, and every day that I'm with her I have to look after her for a while why she either has a panic attack or just has an instance when she get upset with me for some reason that mostly stems from previous relationships, or starts to believe that she's not good enough for me. When it's times like this she starts to feel like a sponge or a vacuum to me. At these times I have to get her a such large amount of attention and support that it becomes tiring. Don't get me wrong I want to do this I wouldn't let her cope with things on her own but it's just making the relationship hard for me. And sometimes I feel that I'm only with her because she has a well paying job. I know this isn't true I was with her before she had the job and I'll hopefully still be with her after I get a new job, I feel like it's more of an issue with my self and committing my self to relationships.
After my past few relationships I am finding it hard to accept anyone and give myself to someone, especially as when I do I give them my all, and that can just be hard some times.

All I want is to find the perfect person for me, or as close as you can get and be with her for the rest of my life. I know this is what a lot of people say but I don't feel that it's that common for a 24 year old male to feel like. I hate chasing after women and having to seduce them or anything a long those lines. I just want to sit there and watch TV or play video games with their support next to me. This is pretty much what I have right now but I'm always wondering if I'm missing out, and this makes me feel like I can't give my full self to the relationship, well at least not anymore.
It's not like I'm looking for anyone else, I'm happy right now but it's just this nagging voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't be with this girl. I feel this feeling isn't actually something good, it's not that it wants me to find someone else but is actually using that a mirage. Convincing me that I'm not happy to get what it really wants, for me to be alone.
Dust

Posts: 1
Joined: February 12th, 2014, 2:03 pm
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[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Hokori, welcome to our little forum. I read your post - you are not alone.

My vision of the day that I had just disappeared, [...] I had a hole day planned out but once that first little thing happened I just couldn't function anymore. It's pathetic I know but even the simplest of tasks that I wanted to do seemed like a mountain I wouldn't be able to climb.

This is depression ruining the quality of your life. Please get serious about treating your depression, so you can enjoy fulfillment in life.

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!