Is it Just Me?

[iknewiwascrazy]

I have spent a lifetime trying to be “ normal” and at my core feeling like there was nothing normal about me at all. It wasn’t until well into adulthood that I began to get diagnosed with various disorders and they presented themselves slowly, one at a time. Each time I felt a sense of relief and a temporary feeling of “that explains a lot”, followed by an unrealistic expectation that now we have a label for my crazy my Dr. can prescribe a medication and I will be fixed, at last being normal! The meds have helped, but it has been a long trial of hit’s and misses to find the right cocktail. I think that where I am at today emotionally is probably the best place I have been and yet it is still really hard.

I am still chasing “normal”. On a great day I think I fake normal pretty well, I can be engaging, funny, bright and creative. I feel great, and the people I am around feel great with me. I eagerly and hopefully make social plans and in the moment feel confident enough that I am going to be able to follow threw with the fun future events we are planning. It’s like the universe gives me just enough to hook people into liking me and then things start crashing. One moment I am eagerly initiating or accepting group get togethers or a regular weekly social commitment and then later the same day or if I am lucky a few days later I am wrecked with anxiety about going to the damn outing that I initiated! Even with my dearest friends and family…it’s lonely and stupid. But those moments of feeling good are so sweet, it sucks me in every time.

On a good day I’m not as boisterous but I still fake a pretty good normal it’s just that I am painfully aware of how hard I have to work at it. For example I am able to make the preplanned lunch with my best friend and honestly look forward to it. It’s just that instead of social interaction coming natural I am painfully aware of every social cue and verbal response I give out and it is exhausting. For example, I arrive at the restaurant and see my friend and my brain is like “ put on a big smile and give a warm greeting”, then when my friend is initiating conversation I am analyzing what the predominant feeling of the topic is and my head is like “ oh, this is serious put on concern face” and then I am going threw files of correct verbal responses. Then when I am sharing my head is like “don't be too negative people don't like that, and don't be to happy she will see right thew that fake shit.” This is my best friend! Who wouldn't feel crazy sitting there and instead of passively listening and naturally responding you are distracted by the debating thoughts in your head about how to be likable. Sometimes when someone is talking to me it is so overwhelming I get in this weird zone and I just want to interrupt who I am with and be like “ how are you doing this?” Is it natural for you or am I crazy? I already know the answer, it’s me.

I know better than to asks the questions that haunt me and make me feel separate but I still can’t help blurt out weird shit with the few souls who my heart trust. Like one time I met my friend for a walk and then we stopped at a coffee shop to visit a little longer before we headed home. I don’t remember what she was taking about but I was in that weird place in my head where I was trying really hard to be a good friend. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that she liked me I interrupted her and said something like “ I know I’m weird sometimes but I am so glad were friends, thanks for dealing with my shit” It was my way of trying to tell her I know I’m not normal and apologizing. Her response was confusion of course, turns out she doesn’t think I’m weird because she doesn’t hear the conflict in my head that screams at me. She just knows the loyal, devoted, interested friend that I try to portray..and that IS me, it’s just a whole lot of work to express it. When I was diagnosed with bi-polar 2 disorder I had this urge to call everyone and tell them “ I am bipolar, get it” like it was a handbook on how to understand why I am the way I am. My way of apology and at the same time trying to establish a connection.

On a bad day I just can’t do it, the energy it takes to engage is overbearing and I isolate myself. Sometimes those days turn into long stretches of weeks. It’s hard to keep close friendships when you can’t actively, consistently socialize…but I have been blessed with a few that still hang in there with me. It is hard to accurately explain the social anxiety and struggle of fitting in is like. Is there anybody that gets it? Do you ever watch other people and wonder how they so easily engage with conversation and seem to be enjoying it? Do you watch the world and feel totally different? Are you shocked to find that people like you anyway?

My quest for defining normalcy and being normal continue. I am slowly shifting my thinking though. Maybe I am different but that doesn’t mean I am not normal. I just worry about it more.

[socialtwerk]

This post really touched me, and I relate to a lot of things that you described. I also get incredibly anxious and "in my head" during social events (and by "social event" I mean like coffee or walking in the park, which for most people is too casual to be considered a "social event," but whatever haha). I feel this way even when I am with the best of friends. Actually I often find social activities to be so exhausting that afterwards I go straight home and take a 2 hour nap. Then I isolate myself and watch TV for a few days, until I've built up enough energy and feelings of obligation to make plans again. It's exhausting to live this way!!

You asked if there is anyone else who watches the world and feels totally different. Yes, absolutely yes, I do this. Sometimes when I walk my dog I see people sitting outside for brunch, or stretching together in the park, and they look so genuinely happy and comfortable with each other that I wonder if I have different DNA than they do. But I think (hope) that there are A LOT more people out there who have difficulty socializing than we realize.... we just don't SEE them precisely because they have difficulty socializing. Does that make sense? I'm sure a lot of my acquaintances don't know how shy and socially uncomfortable I often feel, because when I am really feeling that way, I keep to myself.

You wrote: "maybe I am different but that doesn't mean I'm not normal". I would also add that maybe you are different but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I feel like there;s a lot of pressure in our society to be outgoing! and fun! but maybe that's kind of bullshit. Who says those people are happier or more successful? Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of my introversion as a strength. I suggest a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain.

Again, thanks for writing, iknewiwascrazy. Your post made my day a little bit better.