NotMeNotYou Never Go Home

[NotMeNotYou]

My Dad died about 2 years ago, and my Mom is in a nursing home. My brother lives nearby and visits her several times a week. They live in the Midwest, I have lived in California the past 3 years, and lived on the East Coast for 22 years before that.

I work completely from home, so I could really live anywhere. I moved to California, to be honest, out of a midlife crisis. I am childless and have been single for many years, and have never married. I wanted change for the sake of change, and I got it. Actually I enjoy living California, and don't want to move.

Mom is in her 80s, and my brother and I wonder how long she'll hold on. I go back to visit about once a year for a weekend. Why not more often? Why don't I move back?

My parents certainly never abused us physically. But they were negative and unsupportive and only now am I realize how much that poisoned my life and my brother's. He also is never married and childless. Our family was extremely quiet and introverted, unless something went wrong, then people screamed. My brother and I still tend to do this, though I think we're getting better.

At one point, I didn't visit for about 12 years. When my parent's health declined, I started to go back. I went back for 3 days for Dad's funeral and finally went to the airport for the flight back. I sat in those uncomfortable airport lounge chairs and realized I felt more relaxed than I had for 3 days. I'm constantly feeling I must go back soon, and I dread going back. Being back is a constant psychic assault - even though no one wants to hurt each other, it's like being in a field of radiation, slowly breaking down my cells.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, and please be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing in a very difficult situation.

[NotMeNotYou]

I went back for 3 days to visit my brother and my Mom. A fairly pleasant trip, mostly because I paid for a hotel room instead of sleeping on my brother's couch. My brother's unemployment continues after several years, and he takes all his info from Fox News. He blames everything on Obama and illegal immigrants. Apparently, the illegal Mexican migrants are taking jobs away from HR consultants like him. Even after he admitted Obamacare got him insurance, he's sure it's a socialist plot.

Since his unemployment ran out, he's been living off our parent's savings. I don't really mind because he took care of them, and now visits Mom in her nursing home several times a week. I mentioned to him he probably needs to think of himself before the money runs out and he's homeless.

'Oh, I could be homeless in a month or two. Mom will be eligible for Medicaid and that will pay for her to stay someplace.'

My brother will be homeless in a month or two?!? I was sort of too stunned to pursue that, as he mentioned it just as we went into Mom's nursing home.

Later that evening we had dinner and I brought it up. He mentioned he continues to send out resumes. There are jobs further away, but too far to come see Mom. Christ on a crutch I said, the situation is a little beyond sending out another resume. Be a Walmart greeter, get some sort of income if you want to stay close to Mom. Or live further away to get a job, you can move back later. How much care does he think he'll provide while being homeless?? We actually still have our parent's house, although it's about 2 hours from the nearest large town. I live in Southern California, and he can always stay with me. He lives outside of Detroit, so I don't think it's horrible if he has to stay rent-free in SoCal. Granted, neither of us would enjoy that, but I'd rather live with that than have him wandering the streets.

As he spoke I finally saw how beat down he was. He displayed the family hobby of catastrophizing like crazy. Nothing he might try will work. I told him everything will work out, we have just to keep trying. There is no way to avoid some tough decisions. Whatever has to happen - live in our parents house (which no one has entered in nearly two years, so Gawd knows what condition it's in), move further for a job, I don't know. But I assured him we can deal. Together.

'You are so not alone', I said.

[manuel_moe_g]

NotMeNotYou, you are a loving person. So cool you are not catastrophizing!

[Geoff 02]

NotMeNotYou, I think it's great that you're willing to help your brother out in such a big way. And, it's also great that you're able to bring that empathy to your relationship. That's a kind of empathy that only comes from growing up under the same roof.