Dear sunlessgirl

[Imissmysun]

I wish that it came with super powers brownie... i dont get a sonic scream or anything.... dumb normal non mutant genes.... where is professor x with my invite to the institution

[HowDidIGetHere]

I think the hard thing about airing stuff in front of the kids is that your choice isn't really between "protect them from drama" or "expose them to drama." It's more like "explain the weird tension that they feel in the air" or "don't explain it." I'm 100% convinced that kids always know when something's up. It's just a question of how their parents address that knowing.

That said, in your case it seems more like your partner is manipulating the kids into taking sides, which is a super shitty thing to do.

[Beany Boo]

The greatest thing my mother ever did for me was let the illusion drop; the illusion she had control, she had time and energy for me, that she even wanted to be in a family. It dropped because of circumstances and she was scary to me like that but in hindsight, way less scary than the persona she assumed the rest of the time. It was a moment of reality that I still draw on.

[Imissmysun]

The kids know I am not perfect they prey on it -

I also have been really grouchy lately - because I feel their tension and they feel mine - I think school - hormones all of that are turning the older ones into little monsters - and I get the lions share of it - yay me!

I am trying so hard to just let stuff go - I feel like I have been making mountains for myself to climb where there is no mountain - there is no struggle - I am making a struggle -

I am making everything 80 times harder than it should be - I just want to stop feeling so hurt all the time - I feel in constant rejection at home - wether its one of the kids or my partner - (and 99% of the time its just that he is exhausted from working nights - and I am hyper sensitive to him not wanting me because I am insecure - I wantch every little movement and think oh crud he will leave me that is what that means) - I am so co dependent - how do you stop that - how do you stop being co dependent - becuase that is I think about 100% of my problem - and I don't know how to not be it -

I don't think I really know when I am giving in to those inclinations it is so a part of me - but it makes me miserable - well I have something to talk to my therapist about tonight - thank you journal

[hobojungle]

Working a 12 step program helped my codependence, as well as reading Mellody Beattie's books Beyond Codependency & Codependent No More. Don't minimize your pain. Others may have reasons for the actions that cause us pain, yes, but they are not excuses. Your feelings are valid. The only way out of them is into them. Observe your feelings without judgement. I am in the trenches of mental illness with you, always, Sun.

Loves,
hobojungle

[hobojungle]

P.S. The 12 step program I worked was through Al-Anon, for friends & family members of alcoholics. Typo in the above post: the author's first name is spelled Melody, not Mellody.

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun

Good morning

One of the attributes of tunnel vision which is to say, acute stress response is that when you're in that state, you want 'perfect' help. If the help isn't perfect then you are inclined to reject it.

[Imissmysun]

Some days I don't know why I am there making the choice every day to be there and then one of them will reach out tell me they love me and hug me - and I remember that I am there because I am needed in a way - they need stability - and even in my mental whatever it is that I am - I am sadly the most stability they have ever had -

That is all the energy I have to write today - I just feel wicked blah - I will look into those books miss hobo because my therapist said they were on my list as well - and I still haven't read them - I am such a bad kid

[hobojungle]

You are a good kid with a lot on your plate. I don't have the answers. I don't even have the questions at this point. I'm just here languishing in a bucket of shit that is mental illness. Maybe something pleasant will grow from this fertilizer, maybe not. I will stick around & find out, because that is all I can do & that is ok.