Rant: dry drunk, Patsy Cline

[oak]

A dry drunk rant, if I may.

This is mostly true, except for the the time I plainly lie, which I carefully note.

(tldr summary: I really liked someone, and did literally nothing. Except drink, which didn't work.)

Intellectual basis for this thread, that a sincere fiasco is more honorable than a lackadaisical, indifferent failure:

http://www.avclub.com/article/the-gentl ... -med-91737)

(First up, Patsy Cline is great.)

I graduated from high school in 1994, and as a foolish and lazy undergrad on January 25, 1997 in Bowman Hall room 137 I fell in love with someone at first sight. I can still see her. I can't remember much of anything else from that year (thanks alcohol!), but I still remember everything about meeting her. That was twenty years ago, but it is perfectly vivid.

So I really like this girl in 1997. (Lie! I obviously was in love with her.)

Guess what I do? Choose A or B:

A: Do I become friends with her and her friends, and invite them to my friend's cookouts and parties? Do I ask to study with her, and do presentations together, since were in the same major? Do I improve my social skills, clothes, physique, charm, and likability? Do I bravely ask her out, getting a definitive answer, either winning someone I love or bravely facing an honest "no" from her?

B: Drink, play Tomb Raider on Playstation, wear unwashed clothes, wallow in self-pity, never talk to her, listen to Patsy Cline and BNL, and drink.

I literally did nothing.

In high school I read "The Great Gatsby", and like many an impressionable youth, I got the exact opposite message Mr. Fitzgerald intended: I was Not Enough, so I would win her by dressing nice and having a fancy car. I did start to wear khakis, which I love (along with Patsy Cline and BNL) to this day. That was the extent of my "plan" and "effort".

So What

Does this episode mean anything, other than a dry drunk?

No.

I think my conscience (which has never lead me astray, never) brings this to my attention because I am now, years later, 40 years old at a safe but dead end entry level white collar position. My health is fine, not great, just like my eating and exercise habits.

In Summary

In 1997 I didn't have the courage to act to risk a noble failure.

In 2017 I want to be a better man.

[Beany Boo]

Wanting is good; it's magical; and rational. Keep an open mind about what 'better' will mean now. Observing your motivation from back then, and getting curious; speculative; that's huge.

[Vaporwave]

Aw, dude. There's nothing quite like the regret of not following up with a potential lover. I have a couple of those memories; even though I'm quite a bit younger than you are I still cringe when I think about the crushes I had and how I hid from any possibility of rejection by baffling myself into not recognizing attraction. I still have absolutely no "game" - I can be a tough person to be around and my girlfriend of five years is so in part because she felt guilty after telling me that she'd try a date with me if I cut my hair. Me being an idiot took that to mean "put bowl on head, cut hair". Saved $30, looked terrifying, got pity-date, somehow came off to girlfriend as interesting and intelligent (I'm as interesting as a pile of pigeons and about half as sharp), and here we are.

Be proud of yourself, man. The way I see it, 1997 you wasn't able to handle relationships in the same way 2006 me couldn't do it. But you've worked and grown over those 20 years in between then and now. If you still can't talk to women that you're attracted to, you now evidently have the courage and self-awareness to talk about your issues in a way that 1997 you couldn't. We build ourselves every day. Look back on your growth and development with pride, friendo.

[oak]

Thanks fellas!

I really appreciate your encouragement and kind advice. It means very much to me.

If I may toot my own horn: last night I realized several Patsy Cline favorites were missing from my iTunes library. I bought them and (this is a minor miracle for me) then I promptly balanced my checkbook. Procrastination and financial unclarity are dry-drunk-me.

Sometimes I have to take the small victories, as they're the best I can do late on a Saturday night.

[Vaporwave]

Balanced checkbooks are best checkbooks! Small victories are only in the eye of the beholder - if it's a win by you, it's a win worth celebrating.