Survivor's Guilt: Baring my soul.

[oak]

Hi friends.

I experience and feel survivor's guilt. Since I am only as sick as my secrets, I'll be posting about these topics, when I build the courage.

I:

got sober (2008)
got into graduate school (2001)
survived a car wreck (2004)
got an entry level white collar position (2015)
got glasses and dental care after ten years of working poverty (2013)
got my first real girlfriend at age 40 (2017)
un-dropped out of college as undergraduate (2000)

I say survivor's guilt because I can name people for each of these good things who it went wrong for.

I am grateful for clean teeth, a college education, a responsible position with benefits, sobriety, and a kind girlfriend.

I also know, in my heart, viscerally, that I am no better, and often a worse man/person, than the people who didn't get these things.

[Beany Boo]

There's no need to judge yourself so harshly or to sanctify others. There's no need to make any comparisons. You don't need to feel intensely, just to feel at all. Emotions sustain themselves but they don't fade; so you don't need to 'keep them alive.' They sustain themselves, have their own energy, which modulates, and then they shift and also, evolve. You're entitled to share and own but also, to keep your secrets too.

When I read your post, I feel compassion and experience recognition, and think 'it's okay to take regular breaks from punishing yourself.'

[oak]

Very good, Beany Boo.

I respect your insights, so I am going to give myself a mental vacation for a week or so.

The feelings are real.

[Beany Boo]

If you plan for seven days and it only ends up being one minute, then we're pretty much on a par; although 30 second of taking your foot off the pedal, seems to form into a good habit over many months.