What I am currently working on

[brownblob]

Be free Manuel

[oak]

I am writing this poorly.

I kindly disagree. You wrote it well. Even if you did write it inelegantly (which you didn't) the truth is always beautiful. As long as you are being sincere, it is impossible to be poor, or ugly. It has to be beautiful.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am a very lazy and selfish man.

My depression dampers my motivation, is a way of saying the same thing without the negative value judgements. I have enough challenges without adding punishing negative value judgements on top of it all.

I am keeping a list of all my tasks. Even compiling the list was a challenge, and I should give myself credit for doing it.

It is so hard to stay out in front of all my depressed and negative and judgemental thoughts.

I shouldn't beat myself up for my difficulty in staying in front of all my depressed, negative, and judgemental thoughts. It is hard to change a brain using that very brain.

[bigeekgirl]

remember that the hopeless feeling is illogical because I have no idea where a life of small steady incremental improvement will lead. And I have objective evidence that I have sustained small steady incremental improvement.

Turn off the part of my mind that projects into the future and allow myself to feel mystery about how fulfilling my future can be.

If I could do those things even 70% of the time, I'd solve all my problems.
You are so brave to post what you are posting here. It means a ton to get to read it.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are so rad, Bigeekgirl! Thanks so much for your support!

After my therapy session, this is what I am working on now:

I would sometimes lie to myself and say to myself that a day was coming when all my problems would disappear. My subconscious mind knew this was a lie, and would sabotage what I was working on.

In general, my all-or-nothing thinking would lead to all manner of breakdowns.

So I find it helpful to think in terms of degrees when I think about my challenges: worse degrees in the past, improving degrees in the present and future.

I have experience with things improving by degrees with time - this has been my experience for over twenty years since I started working on myself at the age of 25.

Be an observer of my thoughts and feelings, and remember that I am not my thoughts and feelings, because my thoughts and feelings often come from a place of self-hatred and depression and anxiety.

Be an observer. Surrender and accept.

With regards to my thoughts and feelings, it is enough to be an effective manager of the thoughts and feelings that pop into my mind.

When the negative thoughts and feelings come at me too fast, use the imagery of a big-screen TV displaying those thoughts and feelings. I can control that big-screen TV with a remote - I can dim images, I can reduce the volume, I can pause the blur of imagery, and I have the means to turn off the TV if need be.

[bigeekgirl]

*bravo* So well said.
I was speaking with a good (who gets this stuff) friend today about a problem area we have in common. She asked how I saw it regarding hope for the future as it's a situation outside of our direct control in so, so many ways. I told her I'd given up hope of ever getting completely over the emotions of this particular trauma, given up hope of being "fixed" from the wiring that put me on the path to needing help in the first place.

Now, sometimes in a weak moment, I hope all those things. I try to figure out how to make it happen. That's not a good place to be.

[rivergirl]

Manny_moe, Thank you for expressing your struggles and successes so beautifully. I feel privileged to get to read your diary. I wish you continuing incremental improvements and even some of those truly giddy and carefree feelings and thoughts about your future.

rivergirl

[manuel_moe_g]

put veggies before candy as a general principal

do things in degrees, because it has been a negative pattern of behavior to say "perfection or nothing at all" and then do nothing at all

with regards to my eating and exercise, return to the primary goal & meaning "to be healthy, to be there with daughter, to be there with grandkids", to look at the bigger picture

results of self-threats - body shuts down, primal panic, response because cornered myself

CHOOSE - not even me can force me, can only choose, short-term discomfort vs. what is gained

remember - indulging in short-term gain doesn't mean necessarily a bad person

remember - sadness follows short term gain if taken too often

choice is the antidote to self-threat

[oak]

Excellent.

Thank you for sharing, Manuel Moe.

[manuel_moe_g]

I always want everything to be perfect before I start. I can't stand the idea that my life in the future will be messy like my life in the present, only better by degrees from incremental work. But it is not realistic to expect everything to be perfect. Start now, in this imperfect way.