Say What?: The Journal of HoboJungle by HoboJungle

[hobojungle]

My younger niece's mom attempted suicide (pills & wrist-cutting) a couple days ago. Processed a smorgasbord of emotions yesterday after hearing the news via text from my mother. I'm not close to my family except mom. Went to a NAMI support group the day before that. NAMI is National Alliance for Mental Illness, or something to that effect. It was helpful. Going to CoDA Saturday Serenity meeting today. I'm so tired of my bullshit. I'm so tired of everyone else's bullshit. Some days are good; some days are not-so-good. I am continuing to: use my SAD light, do mindfulness meditation, interpret my dreams, eat as well as I can, do a yoga pose every now & again, challenge my thinking, journal, cry, listen to music, listen to MIHH, & take an active interest in the world around me too, as well as smoking less weed. I'm hoping that by going to meetings/support groups, I'll be able to tolerate working again soon. I'm going to call the animal shelter next week to follow up on my application. I'm also reading a book about becoming an illustrator. I figure I'd rather fail @ something I like doing for a change. That's my long-term goal. My candle in the darkness.

[brownblob]

Sounds like you're doing a lot of positive things in your life. I hope it pays off for you.

[Beany Boo]

I think that's the right attitude. Success and failure might share the same substance but be separated by circumstance when you least expect. You've got to accept both before can hope to achieve your preference. This is because success can be as overwhelming as failure and, as 'imperfect.'

I also think pursuing something you actually like doing has 'mystical' benefits; kind of a karmic thing; you get rewarded in unlooked-for ways for sharing your life force beyond simple remuneration. For example, life makes that little bit more sense.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Meetings and community are definitely keys to success. Ones I don't use, but still...

On a side note, I actually studied illustration in college and though I've never worked a day in my life at it, I congratulate you on choosing an excellent thing to fail at.

Seriously, though, I learned so much about making art from studying illustration—ways to develop and refine an idea, how to communicate with other people about art—that even though it was never the right profession for me, it was definitely the right thing to study.

Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want. I'm always willing to talk about art and creativity and such.

[hobojungle]

Thanks guys.

Just applied as temp bookseller at Barnes & Noble. I have a feeling I should be applying any/everywhere, but I don't want to. On page 70 of 160 of How to Be An Illustrator. Went to sell plasma @ noon. Iron too low. Finally went & bought a supplement. Will try again tomorry. Feeling annoyed. Period in 3 days & plasma place is now appointment only. Saves time in the long run, but it's been a real bitch adjusting. My frustration tolerance is low. I also supplement that.

Couldn't go out on Saturday & missed my CoDA mtg, but I ended up doing a bunch of very much needed cleaning instead. I was rearranging furniture. Also been making a mood board. Because that's a priority, right? I did go to a NAMI mtg & was applauded for calling back the animal shelter about a job. Haven't heard anything. I'm kind of burned out on pursuing anything animal related, is why I'm trying B & N now.

I know getting a job won't solve my problems. It will solve one problem: income, & create an additional slew of problems. My expectations are appropriately low.

[hobojungle]

Hi Guys,

Some updates:

Been going to Nami mtgs; putting Coda mtgs on the back burner for now. I talked about my agoraphobia @ the last Nami mtg. Think I will bring up a potential Asperger/Autism diagnosis when I share at the next mtg. Particularly selective mutism, shutting down, & meltdowns. It's good to finally air this shit out. Interesting, in a way. It's like solving a mystery; putting the fragments together.

Applied @ a craft supply store in my city. There was a temporary seasonal position listed on their website. Spent all day updating my resume & writing a cover letter. Already have my list of references ready. I was even thinking of including a picture of the mood board I'm making. Pictures are worth 1,000 words. Especially to a person or people who work in such a visual industry.

On page 88 of 160 of How To Be An Illustrator.

Since rearranging my furniture when last I wrote here, I've been much better about cleaning. Not where I want to be with the level of cleanliness yet, but it is a welcome improvement I will take as a very good sign. Actions speak louder.

Positive things I am doing: honey masks, Sad light, mood boards, list writing, page coloring, supplements, downward dogs, hydration, night time routine, journaling, listening to music, walking outside, talking to cats, petting strange dogs, cracking the windows, & changing the sheets.

Good Day.

[brownblob]

Sounds like you're doing a lot of positive stuff. Keep moving forward.

[hobojungle]

I wrote this post earlier today:

*As always, I appreciate the encouragement bb.

First non-training shift at the craft store starts in 1 hr, 20 mins. Already sat through a 2 hr orientation & a shift that began with computer training & ended with me cutting fabric for 2 customers who both complained. Went to CoDA yesterday. The topic was moving through fear to gratitude. 1 person complained about that. On page 89 of How to Be An Illustrator. Read a grand total of one page in 2 wks. I missed my Nami mtg this wk because I chose to get this work orientation bs over with.

I am feeling very afraid & unprepared right now. Already taken a fear shit this morning. Now I am guzzling caffeine so as to be alert for my shift. I've noticed I am less likely to shut down if I am caffeinated. If I was able to talk sense into myself at this moment I would point out they are not paying me enough to feel this anxiety & that the situation doesn't deserve it. So I do not know what I am doing. It's just cutting fabric part time. BFD. If I cut it wrong, it goes in the remnant bin. Whatever.*

I didn't save it then because the neighbor cat was napping on my laptop.

It is now after my shift.

Goddamn, ppl want some crazy ass shit. Wtf. I'm sure I'll get used to it or not.

[hobojungle]

Another 5 hr shift @ the craft store. Less hellacious than Sunday. I don't know if ppl called in that day or what, because today seemed almost overstaffed. I made some fabric cut counter mistakes, but thorough understanding will come with repetition. It was so slow, I stocked & organized. I love that. It makes my brain happy.

Good things I am doing: green tea, cleaning, support groups, making art, writing, reading, mindful breathing, am & pm routines, positive self talk, sad light, breakfast sandwiches, supplements, meds, listening to inspiring music, sitting in the sun. There are still sad &/or scary times. I remind myself to mindfully breathe & move in a positive direction no matter how small.

[hobojungle]

Got thru Thxgiving w/ the fam. Yesterday was a long day. After arriving home in the evening I had a good cry. I feel I am realizing how in denial I am about myself & my family & other people & allowing myself to grieve. It is painful to grow. Now I get to go work a shift at the craft store.

Gratitudes: my cats are physically healthy, reliable car, ok job, mindful breathing, meds, sad lights, the sun, $ for now, an apt to myself, Nami support group, Thxgiving is over.