Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Bonus entry:

I've been reading up on DBT and the more I read, the more I notice that a lot of the skills they teach are similar to the spiritual techniques (especially the Buddhist ones) that I became interested in several years ago. I am usually a believer in knowing without knowing. I wonder if that's what's been going on.


PS -- this song has been making me cry fairly regularly lately. https://youtu.be/Dv3EQXDrK3I

[oak]

Thanks for sharing. I hope your socks and food situations improve.

Both are very important.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Elsewhere, Beany described a particular negative thought pattern that only lasted until 1pm. I often have similar time limits to particular thought trains. What could that be about? I'm reasonably sure of my bipolar II diagnosis on a year-long time frame, but daily? That's too much.

I decided to cash out my IRA. It'll be about $12K when I get it and it's going all to housing. It will also put me at 45 years old and starting from scratch for retirement. I've known people from the program who have been in the same boat, so I have reason to believe it's survivable. However, it will demand that I stop underperforming and get a job with a salary appropriate to my 20 years' experience.

Job hunting while feeling like shit on God's shoe, not easy.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I have a tattoo around my left wrist that says "wisdom, courage, strength" in Irish, written in Ogham, the historical druid alphabet. I've always wanted a companion for my right wrist, but couldn't think of one.

I think I have a good idea, though.

Inspired by the semicolon used by people who have survived suicidal thoughts or actions, I'm thinking of the phrase "Ní Inniu," which is "not today" in Irish. Up the inside of my right wrist roughly mirroring the scars on the inside of my left wrist.

Simple message. "Not today."

[HowDidIGetHere]

Going to look at a room today. I expect it will be wonderful, but we won't take it. Probably won't be able to afford it, but also because it's in a part of town my partner has some history with.

Plus, she's been talking about wanting to go to Florida for a month to "rest." I don't need rest. I need a bed and a therapist and a mood stabilizer.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing. I am always glad to see you posting. You're a survivor.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I'm really not. I'm just here.


I learned why I'm still alive today. It's called the hypercapnic alarm response. It's your body's response to an excess of carbon dioxide in the blood, usually in the form of a physical convulsion.

Screw you, hypercapnic alarm response.

[Beany Boo]

I was zoning out at the bus stop and my focus fell on a guy across the street, methodically going through a trash can. I thought of you.

This guy drew me in. He was fishing out plastic drink bottles, emptying them, then transferring the contents of one he'd prepared earlier into several fresh empty ones. The color of the contents had the quality of many types of drinks, mixed. Then he carefully put one in a crevice and disappeared down an alley with the rest. Then the bus arrived and where he was, I was now affronted by my own reflection in the bus window. As the bus passed the alley I looked down it but he was gone.

I distinctly remember thinking in that moment, "Who am I?"

[HowDidIGetHere]

One thing I've noticed around here is just how much the other street people drink. And how long it takes them to scrape up the money to do it. At some point between about 1:00pm and 4:30pm, every trash can in the square gets topped with a layer of black plastic baggies with empty 40 oz cans. It's like daily archeology. Tree rings.

[HowDidIGetHere]

'I distinctly remember thinking in that moment, "Who am I?"'


I find this a distinctly dangerous and troubling question for myself.