Five Facts.

[Beany Boo]

Me too.

[oak]

Just out of curiosity, what do they drink? How much does it cost?

[HowDidIGetHere]

I don't actually know. Seems to be various malt liquors, but I never bothered to check brands. It actually makes me a little sad by now that the smell of beer puts me off more than it relaxes me. I guess that's how long it's been since I had an enjoyable beer.

Which is funny because it's been even longer since I had an enjoyable cigarette, but I still like the smell of those.

(I asked a guy on the street today how much a pack of cigarettes costs in NYC now. He said $14. Holy crap, I'm glad I quit when I did.)

[oak]

Oh I see! Thanks for sharing.

The other day after work I went to get sushi. There is a fairly tough convenience store next door, and there was a pretty-tough looking guy my age, walking out, smoking a cigarette. His look, while not threatening, was one of those moments where income inequality breaks down and we look each other in the eye.

There are two Americas.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Not even one day housed before girlfriend's PTSD has us moving again.

It took a helluva lot to even consider this place. I've got my own history with this city, but I was putting it aside because she said it was the only place she "made sense." Nope. No good.

Extremely tired. If not here, where?

Even better, I haven't heard from her in 12 hours and the last text I got was one word: "sick."

[Beany Boo]

Your girlfriend has so much control.

Can you give it to her without relinquishing your own need for safety and stability?

[HowDidIGetHere]

I was in control for a long time and destroyed everything, so it's not unreasonable. However, one of the key factors that contribute to borderline personality disorder is being invalidated. Having zero autonomy is definitely invalidating. I keep trying to get little expressions of autonomy (like coffee money) to no avail.

It's really hard to see a way out.

[hobojungle]

Thank you for sharing your struggle. This is an act of positive self-care. Love addiction is real.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, hobo. You know, as much as I hate to admit it, I now believe this relationship began in a very love addicted way on my part. I know that it probably still seems that way to hear me talk about it, but I'm not 100% convinced that's the right framework for the here and now. Right now, I think it's a matter of disentangling from someone that I have traumatized but doing it with integrity. A tall order for sure. What really sucks is that I have now reached such a level of snake-eating-its-own-tail self-consciousness that I can't even text her to see how she's doing without wondering whether I'm being borderline manipulative or am trying to do what I see normal people do with the people in their lives.

On the upside, I've been to two AA meetings in the last two days and found a 7-day-a-week meeting right down the street. I know damn well that I still need medication and therapy like nobody's business, but it's a lot easier for me to walk into a meeting knowing that I could be gone tomorrow than it is to call psychiatrists and therapists.

Frankly, I think I have learned myself into a deep, dumb ditch. There's nothing more dangerous than knowledge. I mean, isn't that what got Adam and Eve thrown out on their fig-leaved asses? Yet the more I learn about treatment for borderline (which I become more and more convinced I have), the more I see what an incredible time commitment it is. I'm definitely willing to make the investment, but I don't trust that I'm actually able to.

PS -- I am freezing my ass off almost constantly, even though it's almost July. That's probably not a good thing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck "HowDidIGetHere", be compassionate with yourself, stretch out your comfort zone in healthy ways as you are able. All the best