brownblob

[brownblob]

I'm doing okay today. I had a pile of mail(most of it junk) that I had been piling up for the last month, because I just didn't have the energy to go through it. So today, I went through it. No bills late which was my fear, so to me that was my accomplishment today.

[brownblob]

I don't enjoy anything in life right now. I don't think I feel pleasure as much as other people do. Part of it is the depression, but I think part of it is that I don't feel I deserve to have feelings or enjoy things. I don't think I have the emotional range other people do. I don't love myself. I feel a lot of self loathing. I don't believe I will ever love myself or want to take care of myself. I think my brain is messed up and can't be fixed.

[techchick]

@brownblob: I'm reading your diary. Hope you have some good moments today.

[brownblob]

I keep trying to think positively about the future. I keep trying to find something to interest me in life. There is nothing. My spouse is wheelchair bound and all I have to look forward to is her health slowly declining. I worry about it getting to the point I won't be able to care for her. So for me the future isn't anything I'm looking forward to.
My present is just trying to get out of this funk and get back to being functional. Lately, I have no energy and no interest in anything. I keep telling myself to be positive and find something to get interested in, but there is just nothing inside me right now.

[brownblob]

This weekend I have been very lethargic. I have no energy and interest in anything. The weather was beautiful and I made myself go outside a couple of times but I couldn't enjoy it. I get so frustrated with myself for being this way. I can't make myself do anything but the bare minimum. I just can't make myself care about anything. I keep expecting to wake up from this.

[brownblob]

Lots of weird tangents my mind goes down. I don't want to sound like I don't try to be positive or that I just sit and think about negative things or the past. Most of my day is spent just dealing with that day. I want to be positive I just seem incapable. When your in a depressive state and you can't enjoy anything and can't feel hope and can't concentrate, it's just hard to be in a positive state of mind. Honestly, most of the time my brain is more or less shut down and not feeling anything. Part of me keeps telling me I should have never posted on here. What if somebody I knew discovered this?
I grew up in a dysfunctional home with emotional abuse so I always thought this was where my issues came from. A lot of the podcast and surveys talk about sexual trauma and I've never thought of myself as a sexual trauma victim. But listening to it all the time I think about if there was anything. The things that happened to me I feel like were kind of normal things but maybe they did mess with my mind. Basically, as a young child I had a sister three years older and a neighbor girl who wanted to see her little brother naked. I was young and it didn't bother me to run around naked and let her see. I remember getting in trouble by my mother for this. I don't think this is real abnormal for little kids to be curious about other kids bodies, so I've never thought much about this. I do remember once as a teenager my sister bringing up how she used to sit and watch me take a shower when I was little and she laughed about it and it made me feel kind of used and violated that she would bring that up all those years later. As a teenager I remember flashing some women and I wonder if this odd behavior came from that childhood experience with my sister. This somehow was somewhere in the back of my brain and the only thing I knew to do. Maybe I was reliving being objectified as a small child even though I didn't know it.
I don't have time right now, but I may post something longer and more in depth later about my problems with sexuality. Or I may regret even posting this and beat myself up for it all week.
I may post something longer about my problems with sexuality later. I don't really have the time right now.

[brownblob]

At times in my life I have been an emotional vampire. Not that often but there are times when I know I have sucked the life out of a friendship and I truly regret it but it was just where I was at that moment. I was very needy and desperate and clueless.

[Fargin]

These posts are our thoughts, but if we've traveled through the world with shame and fear, our minds or brain pathways have been programmed to always expect negative results and react with shame to keep us out of trouble. I'm trying to reprogram myself and trying to reconnect myself to my feelings and trying to change the automatic conclusions, that always leads me to worry or shame.

[brownblob]

I've been feeling pretty low today and frustrated for still feeling low. I've been listening to the podcast and just feeling like a piece of shit. I just can't see a way out of this hole. The sex crime cop kind of creeped me out and seemed judgmental. I listened to the Guy Winch episode on loneliness the other day and it kind of triggered me and I can't really put my finger on it. I guess because I'm such a loner it struck a nerve somewhere. Other episodes I listen too, I hear these people that went through terrible traumas and I feel like I haven't been through anything that bad. How come I'm such a mess? How come I've eaten and done a couple of loads of laundry but otherwise I've just been laying around all day.

[brownblob]

No energy today. So sick of feeling this way. I'm tired of being depressed. On my days off, I end up spending hours just laying in bed. I can't get myself motivated to do just basic things. Forget about exercise or anything else that needs to get done. I'm just trying to motivate myself to take a shower and finish laundry I started this morning. Will this feeling ever end?

I was a bedwetter as a child. I know this sounds like nothing to people who weren't, but when you're a little kid and you're told you can control this and nobody else does this, you feel terrible. I could never spend the night at anyone's house or have them to my house. I had to always keep this secret. I could never have a drink after 6pm. So I grew up with this sense of shame about this. I was so scared of adults that in grade school I can remember using the bathroom in my pants because I was too scared to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom and being unable to hold it. And of course the aftermath of that was embarrassing. When I was an adult, my sister's daughter had bedwetting problems and trouble holding her pee and my sister took her to a specialist for help. I was so happy for her, but at the same time felt angry that when I had these issues I was told it was my fault.

My first experience with death was when my grandfather died when I was 11. He died the day after Christmas, so I saw him one day and the next he was dead. I think if I hadn't seen him the day before it wouldn't have bothered me, but the idea that one day he was there and the next he was gone was more than my brain could grasp. At the funeral home, I was the only one that cried. I can remember my mother making excuses for me, but I felt ashamed for not being able to control my emotions.
Anyway, I was depressed and suicidal throughout my teen years. My freshman year in high school, both my brothers joined the navy. I was bullied at school and had no friends. My parents marriage was terrible. My sister would stay at a friends house as much as possible so she didn't have to be home. I would literally go a week or two without speaking a word to anyone. So at the point that other kids are developing friendships and going to parties and dances and having their first girlfriends and thinking about what they wanted to be when they grew up, I sat alone in my room fantasizing about killing myself. To this day, I hear people tell stories about their wild teen or young adult years and I feel isolated, because I had none of that. I never rebelled or argued with my parents. I was afraid of my dad and my mother was a mess and she was crying on my shoulder and I was just trying to keep her going.

As I have heard Paul describe people like me before, I have had a small life.