brownblob

[brownblob]

The dr added on Abilify this week so we'll see how this goes. I'm nervous about it because of listening to Paul's bad experience with it, but I've always been willing to try anything. So far it just seems to be making me really tired all the time. All I can think about all day long is how I want to get home and crawl into bed.

[brownblob]

Today at work, everybody was tired because of the time change. I was tired too, but I didn't tell anyone this is my normal. It had nothing to do with the time change.

I've been listening to the Matty McVarish episode. He is an inspiring individual.

[techchick]

Today at work, everybody was tired because of the time change. I was tired too, but I didn't tell anyone this is my normal.

OMG, me too.

[brownblob]

Listening to the Lauren Tyree episode. I wasn't raised in a strict evangelical household. I was raised in a Catholic household but my father never went to church and my mother was into reincarnation and new age stuff so the Catholic stuff wasn't really shoved down our throats. We went to church more out of my parents feeling some obligation to take their children to church. It was more like that's what you are supposed to do when you have kids. But my parents were strict and listening to her talk about the way she was raised to believe sexuality and masturbation were things to feel shame over and beg forgiveness from God for I can relate to.

[brownblob]

Started listening to Guy Branum episode. I'm not gay, but I could relate to how he talked about being shutdown during his teen years and not experiencing the things average straight kids were experiencing.

I guess the question that his been on this week is how does one learn to love themselves if they've spent a lifetime hating themselves and believing they are basically a piece of shit. At this point, I don't believe I'm capable.

[Peanut]

Hi brownblob;
I have been reading some of your diary. You sound so much like me. I am glad you have meds to help you now. If they don't, they please don't hesitate to let your doctor know. I have been on depression medication for over 15 years. I now take 2 meds for depression and 1 for Anxiety and 1 to help me sleep. I almost got on the forum last night just to post that I was so depressed, and crying over how my family in FL treated me after my last suicide attempt. Also none have contacted me since I left to state to return to VA on Feb. 9. I guess they are totally done with me. Well, actually I have spoken to my mother twice (FaceTime), but only for short periods of time. I tell her that my wifi is going out, or my iPod battery is dying, because I run out of things to say. Last night I was so depressed and crying, and I KNEW it was coming! I knew when I was taking 4-5 hour naps in the afternoon. I knew because I have not showered since Wednesday, and that was only because I was going to see my family doctor and didn't want to smell. I wonder why I couldn't do anything to stop it? Why do I do better on some days than others? How do I fix that, or am I forever broken?
I use the free Day One app for journaling because I can use the microphone on my iPod to list an entry. Sometimes typing is just too hard! Talk about feeling lazy! I am going to try to work a little today, I work at home so if I am in too much pain, or feeling depressed or anxious, I don't have to work, but I need the money. I have a disability hearing pending,, but how do I live in the meanwhile? I mean, my attorney encourages me not to work, but I need finances. I am falling deeper and deeper in to debt.
I sketch while I listen to the Podcast. It's something I trained myself to do about a year ago, while listening to audio books (because as I'm sure you know, a book is too heavy to hold on some days). I looked into Zentangle and would doodle while I listened. It's my ADHD kicking in (not on meds for that), I can't sit still. But I enjoyed the doodling and though I was not looking to make "art" I was actually surprised at some of the outcomes of what my doodles look like. My memory is terrible, so I have to keep going back to look at websites to remember some of the Zentangle doodles, but this has become a habit. It makes me anxious to sit and listen to the Podcast without dooding or drawing. It helps me, I wonder if it may help you?
Stay strong. There will be good days and bad days but you are on the right track!

[brownblob]

Hi peanut
I may try doodling sometime. I get frustrated trying to draw because I have no talent for it, but the zentangle doodling looks interesting and I'm sure is relaxing. I also can't read books. I just can't concentrate on them anymore. I listen to the podcast in the car a lot on the way to work and then on my breaks. Sometimes I space out and miss chunks of it, but I'm not in therapy so going to Paul's waiting room that doesn't suck has to do for me. This diary I guess is a little therapeutic too although I don't really know how to journal. I just write whatever is on my mind at the time.
I feel for you. It sounds like your life is a mess right now. I hope things improve for you.

[brownblob]

I felt like I was doing better yesterday. I ran out of energy in the afternoon while shopping at Walmart. Walmart just sucks the life out of me. I came home and crawled back in bed. Now I can't sleep tonight.

There is a song "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot that takes me back to the first time I was hospitalized. I met two women -one in her 30's and one around 18. The 18 year old had bandages on her wrists. They were real nice and it was that moment people describe of meeting my people. The song Sundown came on the radio. The sun was shining in the window and they got up and danced to it. Every time I hear that song it takes me back to that morning.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, brownblob. I agree that Walmart sucks. I am so glad you are using this forum to journal, because we are all cheering for you.

[brownblob]

I've been attempting to read a book lately called "Girl In The Band" by Kim Gordon. It's a memoir of her life. She was in a band called Sonic Youth. I have trouble reading right now because I can't concentrate and I tend to space out and can't remember what I've been reading. The only thing that makes this book readable is that the chapter tend to just be 4 or 5 page essays so I can just read a chapter and then put it down.
Her brother had schizophrenia. I have a lot of compassion for schizophrenics. As I think I've mentioned, I was committed for 90 days for being suicidal when I was younger. I spent the time in the state hospital where I was probably the most normal least medicated person there. When I first arrived, I was pretty scared of schizophrenia. If you're young and you get tossed in with some psychotic people, it can seem bizarre. First you have to accept that you belong there and take responsibility for getting yourself in this place. But I came to stop seeing these people as "crazy" and realize they were human too. I can remember putting my arm around one lady and walking with her to the cafeteria one day. She was pretty bad off but I could see how much this meant to her to have someone treat her kindly. I also remember giving one lady a quarter so she could try and call the white house and warn them about what was going on. I didn't judge her as crazy, but realized in her mind she was trying to save the world. Why shouldn't I give her the quarter? Anyway, what I was trying to say was I came out of that experience a lot less judgemental and a lot more compassionate for people struggling with mental illness.