Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

I have just the wall for this! Love it

[troebia]

I have just the wall for this! Love it

If you need a hi-res scan to print, I could send a link via PM to download.

[Mental Fairy]

Yes please

[troebia]

During the last couple of weeks, my existential dread has grown to new levels. After doing some home improvement in the kitchen I have realised how slow and scatter-brained I am now. It's not that I'm tired of living, but I'm finding it harder and harder to see anything else ahead than "more of the same" and a downward slope into sickness and loss of mental and physical abilities. I still draw and paint, I still read books, I keep the grove in order, I'm still capable of appreciating love, but I constantly feel guilty of "something" and it's wearing me down. Guilty of sloth, lust, gluttony etc etc. Guilty of not pulling my weight.

There are actually very few moments when a grown-ass unemployable man can feel content with the day's activities and relax in the evening without feeling useless. Wife says that my discontentment and melancholia is an insult to all those who have worse living conditions and worse health. Well, maybe: I don't really listen to music anymore because of the tinnitus. I get chronic back and muscle pain from exertions. I have extremely bad teeth. I have so many floaters now in my left eye that it distracts me while driving. I wake up in the middle of every night with severe anxiety. I'm addicted to alcohol and Xanax. MIL is returning to our home next week.
It's paradise I guess.

A friend and recently also my daughter have told me I should do voluntary aid work somewhere because it would "shake me up a bit". I'm up to it, as long as it doesn't put me down as much as when I volunteered at the local dog shelter.

[manuel_moe_g]

A friend and recently also my daughter have told me I should do voluntary aid work somewhere because it would "shake me up a bit". I'm up to it, as long as it doesn't put me down as much as when I volunteered at the local dog shelter.

Please take care, Troebia. Praying you get out of this funk, you deserve a better mood

[troebia]

My daughter is insisting that I "activate" myself. She's seeing me in this funk and I understand that for a young healthy person in full career mode, it's kind of confusing to see her father not filling the day with constant activity. We have had several conversations that only make me more painfully aware of the wasteland that my current life has become. Now I'm sitting in my workshop, with piles and piles of unglazed pottery beside me, and feel as if I were two hundred years old. Why put more crockery into the world, burn more gas to put more CO2 into the atmosphere, why add more motives for consumerism. At least doodling on cheap paper is comparatively unoffensive.

I was out on a long walk with our young dog this morning on a path I usually don't take, and the forest is so dry it's like a powder keg: one spark and it all goes up in smoke. Yesterday the regional government put out a ban on agricultural burnings until October.

I've been crying a bit. I look at reels of doggies on Instagram to cheer me up.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am sorry, Troebia. Sorry you are in a mournful place

(i admit i am jealous that you can cry, my damn medication took that away from me)

please take care, you deserve the best of care

[Mental Fairy]

My daughter is insisting that I "activate" myself. She's seeing me in this funk and I understand that for a young healthy person in full career mode, it's kind of confusing to see her father not filling the day with constant activity. We have had several conversations that only make me more painfully aware of the wasteland that my current life has become. Now I'm sitting in my workshop, with piles and piles of unglazed pottery beside me, and feel as if I were two hundred years old. Why put more crockery into the world, burn more gas to put more CO2 into the atmosphere, why add more motives for consumerism. At least doodling on cheap paper is comparatively unoffensive.

I was out on a long walk with our young dog this morning on a path I usually don't take, and the forest is so dry it's like a powder keg: one spark and it all goes up in smoke. Yesterday the regional government put out a ban on agricultural burnings until October.

I've been crying a bit. I look at reels of doggies on Instagram to cheer me up.

I wish we could all get together and have coffee when we all feel so darn low like this. I’m grateful you can be so honest. You are a wonderful person.

[troebia]

Thank you MF and MM, it felt like a little pat on the head. I had coffee this morning thinking of you.

[Mental Fairy]

You’re so thought of my friend.