brownblob

[brownblob]

I love the podcast but a couple of things.
First is the talk about narcissism. I guess I think of nacissistic personality disorder and Paul is just talking about someone self-centered. To me, all people act out of self interest. Some might be like me and just be clueless what is in my interest but still it is natural to act out of self interest, so I kind of think the narcissism talk sometimes is overblown.
Paul always say,"You can't think your way out of a thinking problem." I understand what he is saying. That if your thinking is screwed up to begin with you can't use logic to find your way out. But I've read a number of things on cognitive behavioral therapy and it is basically changing the way you think to fix your thinking problem. Essentially, you're learning to think your way out of your thinking problem. And I know I can now go fuck myself.

[brownblob]

Spring is here so hoping the weather perks me up. Some days I think I'm starting to feel better and some days I feel like I'm losing my mind and there is no help. I have nothing in common with the people I work with. Years ago, I took a wrong turn somewhere. I should have ended up somewhere else I'm sure, but I don't know where. I just know that where I'm at is the wrong place. Just a weird feeling I have that I should have done something else with my life and I got lost along the way.

[brownblob]

I think I'm starting to do a little better. I'm still having trouble sleeping through the night, so I'm always tired, but I'm thinking my mood is getting a little better. I don't know if it's the meds or just spring getting here. Maybe both. I still feel like I have nothing that interests me though. I keep thinking I need to find a hobby or something to occupy myself with but don't have the interest in anything at the moment. So kind of feeling frustrated. Feeling a little better but not knowing what to do with myself now that I'm feeling a little better. Also, hoping I'm doing better, because my dr said she may send me to a psychiatrist if I don't start doing better and I'd rather not if I don't have to. I know they're specialists, but I have a paranoia of the mental health system, so if I'd rather not have to deal with psych dr if I don't have to.

[brownblob]

I know this sounds weird but I have an aversion to mirrors or having my picture taken. I am so uncomfortable with myself that I never look at myself in the mirror. I'll be walking around at work with something on my face for hours and I'll never notice it because I never check mirrors. With the picture taking, part of it is a hatred of myself and my image and part of it is a desire to be completely forgotten by people.

[brownblob]

I enjoyed the latest episode with Kevin Briggs. He just sounds like such a decent person. He talked about the documentary The Bridge which he said was unethical. It may be, but I watched it awhile back and found it fascinating. Suicide is such a tragic thing and seeing friends and family members was moving and then there is the breathtaking tragedy of actually watch people jump. A very disturbing movie and I'm sure triggering for some.

[brownblob]

So one pet peeve first. I hate when people tell me that I'll like something. Tell me to try something but don't tell me what I'll like. I automatically don't like it before I even try it then.
I'm still depressed and don't think I'll ever get better. I'm not suicidal but I dread a long life. I wish there was an end in sight. I don't know how people enjoy life. There is no enjoyment for me and I don't think there ever will be. I have to see my Dr again this week and the last time I saw her she mentioned sending me off to a psych dr if I didn't get any better. I have a bit of paranoia about psych drs and I'm dreading this. I don't honestly feel at this point that I will ever get better. What is better anyway? This is just me-a miserable bag of shit. My life is shit and it will never be any different.
I enjoy nothing. I feel alone in the universe. I want nothing out of life. I can't sleep. I am worthless. I fear starting the simplest task.

[brownblob]

It's 2AM and I'm awake again feeling anxiety and self loathing again. I wish I was making some progress, but I'm lost in this forest. It's hard when you don't enjoy anything and can't get motivated to do anything and constantly have a feeling of dread. I'm listening to the episode with Tracy E. I dread having to get up in the morning and facing another day. It's mother's day so I need to call my mother and I feel bad because I haven't seen her for awhile, but I'm down all the time and I just don't want her to know I'm depressed.

[rivergirl]

For what it's worth I just wanted to say that I've been reading all your diary posts, brownblob. I wish I knew something to say that would give you some relief. Reading your posts has actually made me feel a bit less alone because you express a lot of things I've been feeling, especially in this past year. I don't know if psychiatric medication would help you, but you could always see a psychiatrist to see what they recommend and then it would still be your decision to take medication or not.

[brownblob]

Hi rivergirl,
I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week. I'm taking some antidepressants but they aren't doing anything for me. I'm going to see how it goes but I'm not real optimistic at this point.

[rivergirl]

How did it go with the psychiatrist?