Dear Exposure

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

It feels like it's only been one or two days.

Thank you. And printing it out is a great idea.

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

If you don’t listen to me; I do not to die from that; because you can’t see right into me, while I’m speaking; anymore

Today I am grateful:

If I stop holding onto you for dear life, you stop pulling away to save yourself

Today I need:

To sit on a bus full of strangers, whose stories are screaming at me; and just breathe like I’m in a closed, crowded space full of blank faces

Today I forgive:

The moment I realised I’d made a terrible mistake by growing up; you can make it up to yourself and there are a lot people doing it

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

Oftentimes, you can't do anything; and it feels like you never could, never really have and you never will again. So you don't. But then one day, you just start to. You just start to and it makes no sense at all.

Today I am grateful:

I get hurt emotionally; and the pain is a clue; that there is a natural way to feel. So I let the pain heal. And I let the hurt be possible. And I let others see it. And their not knowing what to do either, is healing.

Today I need:

To feel touch; that I consent to; even if there is no one available; or ready, who I can show how to give it

Today I forgive:

The neglect, that left me careening forward blindly, not wanting to be me. I don't blame you, whole family line, public institutions; society. Work can be demanding. Don't worry, I've done most of it for you.

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

To run interference. Your shit plus my shit makes for a lot of interference. But there's enough of a signal forming, amidst endless noise and static. "Hi! Oh? Running interference? Me too."

Today I am grateful:

You get all the chances you need. But they're not all the same chance over and over. A new chance is issued once the previous one has been completed.

Today I need:

To never 'get it right'. I thought you wanted me to get it right. You just wanted me to stop talking, leave you alone, stop creating messes and stop drawing people's attention to you. You rarely got it right.

Today I forgive:

People who haven't had a chance. That's why I write; to edge that chance closer. I just wish I was better at it. I'm such a, what do you say, a 'fuck up'?

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

To release my own voice from my own vice grip; lying by tonal modulation; nothing can escape. Fuck that

Today I am grateful:

To finally see other people, struggling; without it being my fault, or under my control, or my job to fix. Their struggles are not something I have to protect myself from, just to stay alive; anymore.

Today I need:

To enter every situation, without freezing minutely, to think first how my body might offend these new people

Today I forgive:

My rigid personality; you saved us (sobbing) so many times. If you even can, stand down.

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

To just be there for longer, before responding to the loathsome nightmare no one seems to notice sitting in the room

Today I am grateful:

For feeling like an adult; to whom a lot of creepy shit happened; and who processed it using a developed mind

Today I need:

To see a woman, any woman, relax in public, because she senses in me that her mere presence is not some kind of threat

Today I forgive:

The teacher who accused me of drug taking in my final year of high school. My father was graduating to full blown alcoholic. I frightened me. You blew it, everyone did

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

"Counterdependency." Yahtzee!

Today I am grateful:

I woke up and I have a moment before everything else that always comes next

Today I need:

To just know how to kiss, and feel it, without any (other) pressure

Today I forgive:

Everyone I encounter, one after the other, for whatever "it" will be

[Beany Boo]

Today I learnt:

The difference between, "please help me if you know how?", "please let me trust you with something important to me?" and "please don't take all the oxygen?". They're different questions apparently.

Today I am grateful:

I don't have to solve people's lives just to be allowed to stay in the room; anymore.

Today I need:

To do what is "impossible" for me; without me necessarily surviving, or others noticing, but just to see if I do, and they do, and just to see if impossible is really an obstacle for someone like me. Someone. Like. Me.

Today I forgive:

Thinking I had to keep trying to solve the same one problem before I could start to live; like life was as simple as, as soon as you eat all these vegetables you can leave the table

[Imissmysun]

Beany I hear you on the thought process of if I could just fix this one thing then obviously everything would be great

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Imissmysun

Good morning

For me, the one thing is, if I could just stop editing these posts. I submit them one day and I don't actually let them go for a whole other day