Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Thank you so much, Manny.

Every once in a while I'll allow myself to feel good about something I made, or helped come to fruition like my cucumbers

[troebia]

Daughter is here with us over summer, and also her boyfriend for a few days. I am pleasantly impressed by her maturity on all levels, and with her new job there's potential to grow professionally more than where she was before. It crosses my mind that it underscores my own unfulfilled emotional and occupational situation, even though I'm so proud of her.

I'm fairly certain now that after summer there will be some kind of shakeup. I can't go on like this for years.

[troebia]

Guests have come and gone and now it's only me, MIL, wife and daughter for a few days. It must have been a couple of months since there was at least an attempt at sex and I'm feeling starved. I imagine the same happens to all men in this situation: you become hyperaware of all femininity on the street, in the shops, in the food places, everywhere. It's very hot here now and many women walk around in bikini tops and minishorts. An innocent conversation at a café table in my heated mind feels charged with innuendo. I am older and less attractive than 90% of the men on the street. Dirty old man.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, the world of “my needs carry great weight” and “loving me, seeing me as human, means caring about my needs”… it is a world that feels like the surface of mars.

Please take care, Troebia. People try to make you feel otherwise, but you have <right-sized> needs

[troebia]

… it is a world that feels like the surface of mars.

I feel your pain, Manny. But let us refuse to accept things as they are. We still have some agency.

A mysterious woman artist (around 50?) appeared at the latest "drink & draw" event I participated in, in the city. She used a giant sketchbook and made large figures with bold strokes. Her gaze was piercing and inquisitive and while she talked with me I felt strangely vulnerable and inferior, as if she had already unlocked thoughts hidden to me. As always with attractive women roughly my age, my mind weakens. We were all making sketches of each other and I started using bold expressionist colors, and I felt childishly happy when she said she liked my drawings. Not a normal day.

ADDING:
No sexual attraction really, more like a strange tingle. Spiritual people like that can take you to new insights and make you progress.

[troebia]

Have been watching more videos by "Wingmam" on YouTube. Told from a female perspective, it feels painfully obvious why some of us men are stunted in our personal, social growth. Women generally have this aspect of life more under control with a wider social network and more communication.

Alcohol, Xanax and masturbation dampen my feelings of inadequacy. Only drawing and painting give me brief flickers of agency.

ADDING:
The feeling that life is slipping away like sand between my fingers is giving me more and more anxiety. The memes floating around on the internet about "seize the day" or "one day you'll regret..." are irritating in two ways. First, because there's an undeniable kernel of truth in them. But second, just walking out the door won't magically fix things and without a realistic plan I'd crash right away. I've known for some time now that my only real "USP" is my painting skills, and paradoxically this thought puts more stress into everything I do because every failed painting feels like a setback. The good thing about it is that it can be done anywhere and without expensive or bulky equipment. One just needs time (slipping) and will (faltering).

[snoringdog]

Women generally have this aspect of life more under control with a wider social network and more communication.

I think this is partly biological/tribal, rooted in the raising of children when we were more communal.

I've bookmarked some of those videos to watch later. They must be positive I would think, otherwise the message is "Don't bother, you'll get used". Wonder what got her started with this...

As an artist, at least you have an innate talent, and maybe an easier time of it in finding like-minded fellows? The "drink and draw" or "paint and sip events pre-Covid were a hoot for me, I'd like to try again.

[troebia]

I've bookmarked some of those videos to watch later. They must be positive I would think, otherwise the message is "Don't bother, you'll get used". Wonder what got her started with this...

Wingmam has so much insight. From the extreme masculine perspective I'm currently watching Casey Zander. He makes insanely dense almost comical whiteboard lists where he compares the masculine vs feminine psyche mainly in dating situations. Interesting though very intense.

As an artist, at least you have an innate talent, and maybe an easier time of it in finding like-minded fellows?

Getting "out" and meeting people with a shared interest is very stimulating and often surprising. I usually have a good time at these meets and if I had been single this could be a good way to eventually find a partner. A couple of years ago I ended up sitting with the same woman several times, to the point that some people thought we were a couple. Then we both lost interest, but I remember the warm and fuzzy feeling.

[troebia]

Last sketch outing was kind of a bummer. We were supposed to do a "crawl" and draw three different sites, and with the limitation of only using pencil. Everything felt rushed and I'm thinking of going solo for a few weeks. Also I made a slight gaffe by not recognising the woman beside me, who I had drawn a portrait of just a couple of weeks ago! Well, she was wearing sunglasses and had her hair in a bun, but still...

I have developed the bad habit of watching YouTube videos with relationship and dating advice. Most of this content feels very polarising and while I do agree that men and women have different agendas, we're not like cardboard cutouts. Some stuff hits like a gut punch though, for example one youtuber explained how he consistently got trampled on by his wife and how he lost all initiative. I'm paraphrasing: "I should have taken the hint, because on our honeymoon my wife told me how great it felt not to have to pretend to like sex anymore." He also said it took decades, two divorces and several relationships after that to be up front with his needs and be able to receive pleasure without guilt. "So one day this woman was giving me head", he says, "and all I could think about was if I deserved it, if I would be able to get her off afterwards and if I had compensated her enough for it. It was so inconceivable for me that a woman could derive pleasure simply from giving me pleasure. She told me to relax and just enjoy, and I practically started weeping."

ADDING:
It takes two to tango.
https://youtu.be/XGh0qmbmrpk

[manuel_moe_g]

Relate to this!

Yeah, the gut punch aspect, no bueno…