Troebia's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, videos of a quick painting or drawing would be wonderful

Yeah, that was a depressing list of 3 videos, the creation of which each made the world a little worse (maybe too harsh on the girl with purple hair, shame commerce is put over art)

[troebia]

Lately I'm purposefully creating ugly and uninspired drawings on very cheap paper just so it doesn't hurt too much to chuck them into the woodstove or into the recycling bin. There's something positive about not caring and not being too precious about one's art because it's liberating and leads to experiments. I love the flow of paint and ink, how it dries, smells, how the colors mix...it's my therapy, anaesthetic and obsession, my only true anxiety relief since it puts me in a trance-like state. Sadly I can't make myself sit down in any village street anymore to sketch since the attention from others has become too raw. I need to mentally prepare and rehearse to sketch in public alone, and seek out angles and corners where I won't "stand out".

I'm NOT going to start doing YouTube. When I disappear, hopefully the only visual trace of me will be family photos and short videos of me in my wife's and daughter's archives. It's really curious how one's perspective changes with the years, because until relatively recently I had some diffuse ambition of becoming somewhat self-sufficient with my art and crafts. I was even thinking about making a website and promoting myself like others do on Instagram/YouTube. Well, those thoughts are gone.

My Xanax use is way, way up, to almost 2mg daily. The amount of alcohol I'd need to get a therapeutic sedative effect actually makes me feel sick to the stomach now since I cut down on booze some weeks ago. I feel constantly sad all day, and coping with the anxiety, the tinnitus and the dark clouds in my head has become a full-time occupation. It really doesn't matter anymore what I do, there's always that sadness even when I'm objectively doing some useful "work" for myself or for others. It's easier to relax on late afternoons or weekends since other "normal" people are generally not working and maybe sitting in bars and cafés. Fuck normal. Fuck therapy.

[manuel_moe_g]

Howdy Troebia

It kills me that you throw away or burn your drawings and art. I wish I could magically scoop them up and save them all. You have no idea how much I enjoy everything that you have shared. Pretty soon, I’m going to try and give you some Venmo cash so you can ship a bunch of it to me especially the one painting of the electrical pole. I really see myself in that painting of an electrical pole. Just an inert lonely monster, just standing there and ignored.

Yeah, I don’t give myself time and permission to really feel the deep sadness. I will probably never stop therapy, because of all the weird and distorted thoughts I have about myself in the outside world. I have to run it all by an objective third-party, so that I can get back to something more realistic. Already hard enough dealing with reality on reality’s own terms, I don’t need my fucked up mind to make it even worse.

I hope you feel it deep inside that you make the world much better just by being in it, Troebia

[troebia]

I have to run it all by an objective third-party, so that I can get back to something more realistic. Already hard enough dealing with reality on reality’s own terms, I don’t need my fucked up mind to make it even worse.

You've put your finger on something there. After trying several therapists, my conclusion is that it must be extremely difficult to get inside someone's head even if you try (some didn't even try it with me). I only got photocopied formulas, breathing exercises and generic advice. With the last one I found it almost insulting in the end...I might as well have been babbling to a wall.

OK, cutting therapists some slack, they're only humans like ourselves. They have mortgages to pay, children that go to ballet lessons and spouses to endure daily. Maybe some of them need "therapy" themselves and have serious problems with their health. Is there even such a thing as an "objective" opinion in psychology to be had from another, inevitably subjective person? I mean, useful advice that's worth more than what a well meaning bartender would give you? I'm of course talking about issues that aren't actual pathologies, only the stuff that rattles around in our brains and makes us unhappy, unnecessarily.

There should exist, by decree, men's conversation groups in every city. I believe it would be so beneficial for me and for a lot of people to listen and participate in discussions about small stuff and big stuff from a male perspective. It would avoid so much pain and give some of us hope.

[snoringdog]

Manny

Just an inert lonely monster, just standing there and ignored.

Au Contraire! That pole is vital - supporting the wires that supply power and make connections thru the neighborhood.

Kinda like you on this board!

You've long been a welcoming presence here, and if you look back, appreciated by many of the users.

[snoringdog]

Maybe some of them need "therapy" themselves and have serious problems with their health.

I think it's part of the curriculum and a graduation requirement to attend therapy sessions as a patient.
And from what I've read, many therapists often go the therapy to unburden themselves after absorbing so much from their patients.

It's got to be tough to be caring and yet (necessarily) emotionally detached from your patients.

I mean, useful advice that's worth more than what a well meaning bartender would give you?

For some people, I'm sure. If they have trouble understanding themselves and their circumstances and motivations etc, or haven't heard of, or learned certain coping mechanism.

Bartenders can be good too, though sometimes I have some trouble knowing when to turn off the tap.
(Love the ever-changing selection and all the beer varieties at a local pub. I don't go very often lately, only when a work-mate texts me, and I always walk there and back).

[Mental Fairy]

My ex husband went to therapy twice, first time was good, second he didn’t like being told he was passive aggressive and didn’t go back. Go figure!

[troebia]

MF, I live in a house full of uncomfortable truths so I can relate.

SD, I'd love to have a pub like that nearby. The bar nearest to me has recently closed, I don't know if they've gone on a long vacation or are going to renovate but I'm frustrated and the only alternative within bike range is a very run-down place with bad beer.

I'd like to express my gratitude again for having this place as an escape valve to vent and interact with you all. Things are now very tense at home with MIL constantly vying for attention, and my wife is giving her all of it. Stupid useless arguments whenever I open my mouth. The theatrical little groans and squeaks, the faked limp. This will only end in disaster or with death.

[troebia]

Hello friends,
Here are a few things from my sketchbook lately.

Imaginary village, chinese ink brush.

art01.jpg (26.38 KiB) Viewed 68 times

View of a nearby orange grove, watercolor.

art02.jpg (38.85 KiB) Viewed 68 times

Google Street View of an avenue in Palermo, Sicily where I was last year. Color pencils and watercolor.

art03.jpg (43.71 KiB) Viewed 68 times

[manuel_moe_g]

I love the imaginary village