Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

I should do this with my ex husbands belongings!

[troebia]

I should do this with my ex husbands belongings!

Just make sure you get a burn permit from the local council and you should be golden People over here have become very antsy about fire and smoke, and the police even came and checked on me when I burnt some clippings the day before the filming.

[troebia]

Now having attacks of anxiety and impostor syndrome. Now how can anyone feel like an impostor, if they recognize that they are unemployable, unable to concentrate on anything for a decent period of time and also constantly feeling out of place? Who am I comparing myself to?

Maybe it's because I made the reckless mistake yesterday of falling into a deep internet rabbit hole pursuing god-level comics creators such as Jean Giraud ("Moebius") and Charles Burns, and also ran headfirst into the Vollard Suite by Picasso. In those black and white etchings, Picasso bares it all and draws himself (sometimes as a Minotaur) in different sexual scenarios with his lover and sometimes also his wife. It's first titillating, then perverse and finally tragic. It's a bit like a rocket that shoots up into the stratosphere and explodes, and what gets to me is the total nudity and massive darkness of the soul.

I have quite a bit of void in my own small way... when I was young I had some very loose and undefined relationships that could have gone any which way, but all of them blew up in my face. Sweden in that decade was such a crazy place because you could get employment and rent a flat very easily and lots of young people who weren't studying just floated around, from job to job, often town to town, hookup to hookup. I was gradually sinking into depression because life seemed so empty. It was at that time in life before you think about a real relationship, or the future for that matter. I didn't know then that learning a craft would probably have saved me. I was a leaf in the wind and anything could impress me or make me change direction. I had never had a mentor figure in my life since my father ignored me and my mother was either always away working or dodged every single problem I had for example at school with a deer-in-the-headlights reaction: if she just could keep her eyes closed for long enough and not move a muscle, it would all go away and she wouldn't have to imply herself or dirty her academic little brain with down to earth issues.

Lately I've been thinking that some kind of circle has been closing. I'm still (as ever) on the outside of society looking in, and if I were 19 or 20 years old today I would shake things up completely as I would do when things came to a standstill. I'm too old for that now, though.

[troebia]

It's first titillating, then perverse and finally tragic. It's a bit like a rocket that shoots up into the stratosphere and explodes, and what gets to me is the total nudity and massive darkness of the soul.

And I want to underscore that while Picasso was certainly a great artist who did works that merit admiration, he was also a massive dickhead and abuser of women. As if that wasn't obvious after you see drawings where he mythologises himself as a rapist.

[troebia]

picasso.jpg (17.48 KiB) Viewed 68 times

Yes, I see now why I have been circling and obsessing about Picasso lately: he represents the dominant, demanding father figure and I wasn't worth his time. A dream: I am shrivelling and shrinking into a small raisin, and my father pushes me back into my mother's womb where I will be reabsorbed into her alcohol-saturated bloodstream. "You failure!" My narcissistic aunt is there too, laughing diabolically and increasing her dominance over my mother as she pours her another drink and continues talking about herself. What a fucking nightmare, Dr. Freud. Btw here's an article on Picasso's abuse: https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/picasso-sexism

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Following with interest.

Picasso? Fuck him, Ugly man.... he dead...
But not you! Carpe Diem.

A few interesting items -

https://www.euronews.com/culture/2024/06/24/tasmanian-museum-hangs-picassos-in-womens-toilet-after-discrimination-complaint

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2017/11/09/how-picasso-bled-the-women-in-his-life-for-art/

[troebia]

He dead, but still floating under much of contemporary art like a ghost. I loved the story about the Tasmanian ladies room.

Having more vivid dreams about my family, the darkness lingers. So alone in my thoughts that they rattle around by themselves, I'm aware. Strangely have not felt the need for Xanax lately.

[Mental Fairy]

Your posts are very powerful Troebia.