Troebia's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

I'm sinking even lower into a lonely abyss and not having anyone to confide in spiritually IRL is eating away at me.

Yeah, it is hard for me, IRL relationships. The MentalPod Sunday Zoom support group has a nice young man there who lives very close by, he is also Latin + White in heritage, and also was abused by his father. I am trying a local Unitarian Universalist church as well, but getting out of the house Sunday morning is a challenge. I am so sorry you feel unmoored because of no IRL connection.

I often have horrendous nightmares in which I am failing at some challenge that means either life or death for me or lots of people.

I wish you didn't have this horror in your life, Troebia. You deserve peace and connection and love.

The man (the amputated guy I've probably mentioned earlier) has fallen into a deep Facebook hole of extremism/fascism.

Zuckerberg is a monster. So much to answer for.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Yes, we're here, wish we could sit in a pub once in awhile.

An author of psychology books recommends keeping a private diary of one's innermost thoughts and ideas, however absurd or unmentionable they may be. The same author also warns how these confessions might get one into serious trouble if they were ever discovered. Undecided!

Hand-written, I don't know... maybe in a Mission Impossible self-destruct box or something
But there's a free file encryption program and other utilities that I use, available at

2brightsparks (dot) com


The man (the amputated guy I've probably mentioned earlier) has fallen into a deep Facebook hole of extremism/fascism.

Anger and hatred are powerful and addictive drugs it appears.
Rupert Murdoch (Fox News) should be arrested for elder abuse.
(See the FoxBrain thread on Reddit to read about his victims)

How are things on the artistic side with you these days?
We're always opened to an small art show should you wish to post anything,

[troebia]

The MentalPod Sunday Zoom support group has a nice young man there who lives very close by, he is also Latin + White in heritage, and also was abused by his father. I am trying a local Unitarian Universalist church as well, but getting out of the house Sunday morning is a challenge.

Manny, those are good initiatives. May I ask if you have already gotten some good "vibes" or feelings from the people you mention, and what expectations you have? For myself there are maybe two guys who can call me at any hour and if they say "let's go get drunk and talk" I'll go without hesitation.

Yes, we're here, wish we could sit in a pub once in awhile.

Wouldn't that be great? I had a chance encounter today at a bar with an artist and it was so soul-healing.

How are things on the artistic side with you these days?
We're always opened to an small art show should you wish to post anything,

I joined another Discord, called "Old Fartists" and am dipping my toes in it. At least there seems to be a lot of other creative crazies there. My sketching has become very messy and awful lately due to my anxiety. Also, some stuff around the house and grove decided to fall apart and I'm busy with several home improvement projects... it's exhausting due to the heat.

[manuel_moe_g]

May I ask if you have already gotten some good "vibes" or feelings from the people you mention, and what expectations you have? For myself there are maybe two guys who can call me at any hour and if they say "let's go get drunk and talk" I'll go without hesitation.

my autism and social anxiety and overall strangeness have me have very low expectations for IRL socialization. also, my introversion sets a "timer" on any IRL interaction, the clock ticks down, and at a certain time i am just itching to escape.

[Mental Fairy]

Troebia, just watched to say I’m thinking of you.

[troebia]

Lots of love to all other "survivors" here

[troebia]

Just checking in...

Spam has really reached crazy levels here and I'd love to be able to install a spam filter.

I'm at an impasse right now because I'm investigating solutions for my teeth but people are on vacation.

Most of my behaviour right now is geared towards anaesthesia, to relieve tension. Even tedious chores like pulling weeds can become therapeutic. But of course there's also alcohol, Xanax, masturbation, Netflix... Wife says to try therapy again but I'm sick of it, I know what's wrong with me and I can't be arsed to be "mindful" or do breathing exercises. Someone in an air conditioned office with a perfect smile, straight back and pressed shirt doesn't have the right to recommend anything to me. Either you're down in the dirt with me or you can't understand.

My 60 year old body has decided to put some hard limits on what I'm physically able to do in one day. Everything in the grove and in my tinkering and home improvement activities takes twice as long with twice the effort. For example there's a large pile of wood beams waiting for a reno project and just thinking about casting the concrete foundations for the pillars makes me wince. I had to do an emergency sweep and flush of the collective water reservoir and also solve a clogged tube, all which means scrubbing, shovelling, yanking, sweating and pulling with heavy tools.

Crawling and scrawling.

darkscrawl.jpg (168.48 KiB) Viewed 1039 times

[troebia]

More on our Moroccan neighbour: She was in her driveway and we stopped to greet her on the way back to our house. She now seems crazily happy and almost a bit manic, because according to her their divorce lawyers seem to be reaching some sort of agreement. She'll get the house up here in the mountains and will live there instead of having to get a new place. She explained all this after then coming running barefoot after our car up the hill. She's had tattoos done recently with different symbols and numbers and told us that all good that's happening to her is because of her prayers and communication with good spirits.

At that moment I was looking at three strands of grass roots I'd missed with the trimmer in our driveway and bent down to yank them out. I was going to throw them into the bushes and she said "Nooo, give them to me! See, three is a magic number" My wife was watching from up the stairs, and our neighbour called out to her and said, "And you should gift me something green, too!" My wife shook her head slightly but went around the house to get a bundle of mint and some jasmine. "See?! This will be good magic." She went on for a bit about how to ward off evil spirits. My wife and I were both a bit perplexed, but after all we were happy to see her in a more positive mood now.

Anyhow, this later made me reflect on how people have relied on religion and prayers through the ages to get relief, and try to solve problems and make decisions with the aid of magic signs. Maybe I'm too rational, but if I picture a creator or divinity it definitely doesn't care about us or our problems. Maybe something put the wheels of the universe into motion, and let's even imagine that some superior beings planted life on this planet billions of years ago, but they won't care about our existence until we make some cosmic splash...which seems very unlikely, seeing how things are going. "They" surely couldn't care less about my teeth, for example, however I pray. Could rituals with herbs alleviate my anxiety through magical thinking? Perhaps, but the underlying cause won't improve until I find a dentist here that I can trust.

[Mental Fairy]

Hey Sweets

Your comment on the therapist made me think about mine.
My therapist buried her husband 3months ago after he dropped dead. She is in grief state currently and can very much relate. On top of that she was also struggling with self harm for years and currently doing a course on working with people with chronic illnesses.

She’s just as messed up as me!

[troebia]

I am currently filled with regrets and frustration. And shame, and probably envy. Seething anger, too. It's so wonderful to be alive. As the fantastically funny @anyasaysstuff on Instagram says: "You think you are depressed today? For Slavic people, that's just Tuesday".

Some guys made things even more complicated. Paraphrasing:
Albert Camus - "Our lives are meaningless and will remain so. Even suicide is absurd."
Sartre - "Life has no inherent meaning or purpose, so it's up to you to find a reason to live."

Yay!