I feel kind of melancholy today

[manuel_moe_g]

Spoke to my mother today. Spoke about a lifetime of depression and anxiety. My mother has struggles with them too. It was a good talk we shared.

I am glad of where I am with regards to my mental disease at the age of 44. Only started being serious about treating my disease at the age of 25. Almost 20 years of work. Wish progress wasn't so slow. Of course, I wish I knew what I know now at the age of 44 way back when I was 18, would have saved myself a lot of pain, having that insight at the age of 18.

I realize that my main enemy was depression and anxiety, and it has to do with my brain chemistry, not because of anything situational.

Maybe my whole reason for living is to pass on wisdom to my daughter, now that she is entering college. Maybe that is the biggest blessing of starting my quest for mental health at the age of 25, to have this level of health now, to be able to pass on wisdom.

I hope you are all well, and that you are being self-loving. All the best to you.

[Glock therapy]

Hey Mo,
It's now tomorrow, and I hope things have picked up (sounds like they were headed in that direction). I'm around your age, and I understand the feeling of certain doors having closed, others closing rapidly (one of mine is parenthood--a rapidly closing door I mean--and kudos to you for raising a daughter who's now 25!). My mom has also had untreated depression and she and I are so similar. I'm glad you got some good from talking to your mother--that's really powerful. I very rarely come away with that from discussions with my mom, feeling only the unfulfilled yearning for a parent (aw geez, tears welled up by the time I got to the end of that sentence).

Melancholy is tough--sort of being pummeled with a pillow, deceptively punishing-- and I know that when I feel that strongly it's tied into feelings of: the best stuff (or the opportunity for it, since I never did all that much) is behind me, etc., etc. I'm not a parent, but I know that it can be incredibly affirming to support your child. Keep in mind, too, that you do a hell-hell-hella lotta work on this board and are helping a very important thing go. Not to be all trying to "cure" how you're feeling and such--just trying to remind you of an important role in the present and future (I suppose I'm feeling free to project what I tend to feel and what tends to help--your results may vary enormously of course)

A trick about the age thing: I sometimes pretend that I'm 20 years older (or even 10). You're 66? Then 46 is a baby, with a whole vital time ahead of you. Pretend you're 56--and think about perhaps what that 56 yo wishes the 46 yo had done perhaps? "Aw, I was still in your forties, a much easier time to ___ than where I am now, etc." I don't mean to be trite but that honestly works for me (and sometimes it doesn't and then it's bed and trail mix time --I binge-eat health food, half a yay for me!)

Well Mo, just wanted above all to say something... hey, you're not alone. How about that. Not only that but you quite clearly are a lovely dude. I admire how you strive and how you are an authentic and warm presence who shares the not-so-pretty stuff. And raising a daughter--that's serious and with ramifications for everyone and everything she touches--that's a big deal. Thanks for all that you do here and again, hope that things lighten.

-gt

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks Glock therapy! Such a thoughtful reply!

It is just that I am feeling selfish - in my youth I thought I had a good chance to shine. But my depression and anxiety still drastically limit me, even after a ton of self-improvement work done on myself.

The disconnect between my highest dreams and my actual limitations is closing as I get more realistic as I get older. But there still is a gap that haunts me - I feel I could be so much more, if I just got rid of my depression and anxiety. But I am pretty sure they are "baked" into me - I gingerbread-man cannot stop being a gingerbread-man, and I can stop being jerked around by depression and anxiety.

At least I am writing, that helps me sooth my anxiety by clarifying things.

All the best to you, Glock therapy, thanks for all the thoughtful replies you write on the board. And thanks for the good advice about thinking 10 to 20 years in the future.

[oak]

Well done on using your words, Manuel Moe!

I honor your right to feel and experience melancholy.

Which is more awkward than I mean to express myself, but I think you understand!

Melancholy is an experience of humans, a worthy experience of real humans. I see/observe/perceive your humanity.