elephant shit

[E is for Elephant]

Another round of collapsing in the shower in random tears makes me think that it's time to start working through some shit by writing it down.

Why do I think that's self-indulgent? I don't think it's self-indulgent when anyone else does it. But I've been staring at the computer screen for 20 minutes now, trying to convince myself that nobody is going to judge me for using a forum in the way it was meant to be used.

I've typed and deleted a bunch of other stuff in here, but it's all overwhelming and this is going to have to be the first step. Hoping that there will be other steps later.

[E is for Elephant]

Today's obsessive bad thoughts: thinking about my parents dying. Not sure what brought this one on. There are both 66. Not super-old, but Mom's family has a history of cancer. This is the thing that scares me more than anything else. Instant tears when I think about it. Typing this, my throat is closing up.

Why do I intentionally(?) think of scenarios that make me feel horrible?

[hobojungle]

Hello E is for Elephant,

My counselor has described it to me thusly: when you often have horrible thoughts, the repetition of negative thoughts creates a sort of freeway in your mind. The mental "movie" needs to be stopped & consciously replaced with a more positive scenario. Since the positive thoughts aren't as frequent, they are more like an overgrown trail in your mind. But the more you "switch tapes", the more the positive thoughts are likely to become a freeway & the horrible thoughts an overgrown trail. If I may mix metaphors. This is something I need to remind myself of as well. Neuroplasticity--your brain can be molded, indeed your brain is molded, it's just a matter of consciousness, perseverance, & ???. Not really sure how brain chemistry plays into all this though. That some of us have extra chemical barriers to overcome (if they can be, that is). As you can see, I find your posts raise interesting questions. Keep it up.

Love,
hobojungle

[E is for Elephant]

Thanks, hobojungle, that's really interesting. I'm definitely going to look into that concept further. It does ring true. Sometimes it's like my brain isn't just focusing on negative thoughts, but actually actively seeking them out. And it can quickly spiral out of control.

[hobojungle]

Yes! Like your brain feels bad & doesn't know why, so it actively searches for the reason & perpetuates the bad feeling from what other negativity it can find. We need to retrain our brains, but it takes effort & tenacity.

[Beany Boo]

E,

I appreciate what you're sharing here.

[E is for Elephant]

I think my best friend is emotionally manipulative.

That's a lie.

I know my best friend is emotionally manipulative.

If I were giving another person advice I would say "This is a toxic relationship. You need to get out of it." But instead, I continue to make excuses for her. The truth is, I'm closer to her then I am anyone else in the world. I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly not many close ones. So even though she fucks with my head and guilt trips me and purposefully hurts me, the thought of losing her is terrifying.

[brownblob]

E,
You need to take care of yourself. If this relationship is toxic and you know it, maybe you need to distance yourself from her.

[E is for Elephant]

You aren't wrong, brownblob, but there is a vast gap between what I know I need to do for my mental health and what I end up actually doing.

[Beany Boo]

E,

I really appreciate you sharing this. And I agree it is terrifying. You're not alone.