Say What?: The Journal of HoboJungle by HoboJungle

[hobojungle]

I am a 40 year old woman & I have depression/anxiety, the usual. I've also been diagnosed agoraphobic by my psychiatrist, but both my counselor & my parents disagree. Though to me, a few things finally made sense upon contemplation. I am also currently medicated: duloxetine & buspirone, with as needed alprazolam. I've been medicated for a couple of years now. I would like to get off meds eventually, but it's a process.

Before being medicated, I would say I was managing ok, but some stuff happened. My job of 15 years (data entry) was eliminated. I applied myself, did some studying, passed a bullshit test & was promoted to a job that, it turns out, I didn't want to do. But it took time for me to figure this out & I had a breakdown last year in the meantime.

& I started smoking marijuana regularly six months ago. I want to say it doesn't interfere with my life, but maybe it does, who knows? I am a creative, so I enjoy getting stoned & making things, but I don't need to smoke pot to be creative. My psychiatrist knows I smoke & recreational use is legal in my state. However, being unemployed, it's too easy to smoke more than I would if I was working full time. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm here on the forum as an experiment of sorts. Will writing here be beneficial to me? I've read through the rules & so far I am impressed. Paul puts a lot of love & care into his podcast. It's great that there are safeguards in place so the forum can be a safe space. It's just a matter of me logging in & participating.

So. Today I am unmotivated. I've gotten up to clean but ended up in front of the bathroom mirror squeezing my pores.

I watched the movie Experimenter: The Stanley Milgram Story yesterday. In it, Stanley Milgram describes humans as "puppets with awareness". How you can be aware of your nature & incapable of escaping it. Today is one of those days. Here I am!

[hobojungle]

Where my screen name originated:

I Take a Lot of Pride in What I Am
by Merle Haggard

Things I learned in hobo jungle
Were things they never taught me in a class room
Like where to find a hand out
While bummin' through Chicago in the afternoon

Hey, I'm not braggin' or complainin'
I'm just talkin' to myself man to man
This ol' mental fat I'm chewin' didn't take a lotta doin'
But I take a lot of pride in what I am

I guess I grew up a loner
I don't remember ever havin' any folks around
But I keep thumbin' through the phonebooks
And looking for my daddy's name in every town

And I meet lots of friendly people
But I'll always wind up leavin' on the lam
Hey, where I've been or where I'm goin'
Didn't take a lotta knowin'

But I take a lot of pride in what I am
I never travel in a hurry
Because I got nobody waitin' for me anywhere
Home is anywhere I'm livin'

If it's sleepin' on some vacant bench in City Square
Or if I'm workin' on some road gang
Or just livin' off the fat of our great land
I never been nobody's idol but at least I got a title

And I take a lot of pride in what I am
I never been nobody's idol
I take a lot of pride in what I am
I take a lot of pride in what I am

[hobojungle]

I'm feeling good today. Got up & out. Sold plasma. Bought myself a fruit smoothie & a healthy takeout lunch. Visited the neighborhood garden center & fondled the foliage. Was able to sit outside with the cats in the sun. Just an all around pleasant day.

Been making slightly healthier choices about my eating. For a while now I've been uninterested in preparing food, which can lead to unhealthy decisions & then because my diet is shit, everything goes to shit.

Mornings can be difficult since I don't have much of an appetite, but I know if I eat protein as soon as I wake up, I will feel better. Now I make sure to have cottage cheese or greek yogurt in the fridge at all times. I live alone, so I can eat right out of the carton in front of the fridge & even graze off it throughout the day. I still eat junk too.

Another thing that makes me feel better is tending to the potted plants in front of my apartment. I've got 2 varieties of mint & a berry bush. Just checking the foliage each morning is calming. Plants are good.

Plus I volunteer at the Humane Society making videos of the adoptable cats. I'm in a good place now. I am at peace. It feels good not to be such a taskmaster to myself. I enjoy my imperfect life. My medications are working.

Now I just need a job, & once I have a job, not let everything fall apart because of that. I don't think it will. I'm feeling strong. I'm not functioning at my highest level, but I am functioning well enough to manage. The real test is when the rubber hits the road. I think I will be fine.

Famous last words!

[brownblob]

Glad to hear you are having a good day

[hobojungle]

Thank you, brownblob.

I want to be more mindful of getting ready for bed early. If I wait until I am tired, I am more likely to get into the mirror & want to damage my face. I have most of the mirror covered & one blue bulb in the fixture, but there's still enough light & mirror left for self harm. If I go into the bathroom early, I'm more likely to stay on task. I know I realistically won't be successful 100% of the time but I will try.

[rivergirl]

Hey, HoboJungle,
Thanks for posting these diary entries. I hope it helps you a bit to post. It helped me a bit this weekend reading your posts. You paint such good pictures of your life that I almost felt like I'd visited you.

I like Merle Haggard and HoboJungle is a great name.

I admire anyone who volunteers for the Humane Society and takes care of three cats.

I hope you have a good week.

rivergirl

[hobojungle]

Thank you, rivergirl--you are so sweet.

I'm feeling good right now because I made a phone call I've been putting off for a year or so. I called Fidelity, reset my account password, stopped automatic payments to an IRA, & bought shares in a mutual fund.

Maybe it's practice for tomorrow: I want to call Petco & ask the mgr Ken for an interview for the open apprentice dog trainer position. I applied online, gave them my cover letter & resume, & now asking for an interview is the next step. I can call Ken tomorrow afternoon & ask for an interview.

The worst he can do to me is say no.

I also signed up at the animal shelter to learn dog agility training. That is Saturday afternoon. I will be a dog trainer either way. Life can be good sometimes.

[hobojungle]

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Welcome to my world of dysfunctional relationships. "A" is my older sister (43) & "C" is me. I am the youngest of 3. We also have an older brother (44). It dawned on me that A reminds me of my mom complaining about my dad when we were kids. That's why I can't help her. Plus, the longest romantic relationship I had was 3 years, 20 years ago, so not the greatest person to go to for marriage advice.

[hobojungle]

I'm having feelings about my sister I don't want to have. I don't want her to complain to me about her job & marriage any more. Or make digs about me on social media. I don't really care about social media, but on top of everything else, it's a bit much for me to process. I will process it though. I feel sorry for my sister. I know she is miserable. I know she was never shown how to get attention in a positive way. I know her way of interacting with people is to fight with them to make herself feel better. I avoid her. I don't want to feel bad. I feel selfish for shutting her down yesterday. I know I'd feel worse if I listened. Rock. Hard place. & Can't win for losin'. I will allow her to continue to ridicule me on social media without reacting. Social media is ridiculous anyway. A non-issue.

[hobojungle]

My sister continues to insult me via facebook & I continue not to react. She sent another message to me complaining about how awful her husband is, but I only read far enough to realize this was another of her dramatic monologues & deleted it without opening or responding. I'm subtracting myself from the equation of awful husband + victim wife = misery.

These interactions with her are destabilizing to my wellness. I have no control over how she chooses to lead her life. I can only protect myself at this point. I accept this is my relationship with my sister now. I am okay with being "the bad guy". I have compassion for her, but not at the expense of having compassion for myself. (A phrase I've heard Paul use in the podcast). I've urged her to seek professional help. I've been open about getting help for myself. I will continue to be a broken record in that.

I need to get back to thinking about things that don't make me feel awful. I just got caught in a little shitstorm is all.