Abject of My Expression's Diary

[studiousstrwbry]

"Cycles"

They did this to me. Why? Because someone did it to them. Isn’t that the usual story? We go through these spiraling out cycles of abuse, neglect, mistreatment, and for what? Because nobody said stop. Because nobody said it was enough.

My biggest fear is to turn out exactly like my parents. Please don’t take that to mean that my parents aren’t good people. My parents are wonderful people. But they are also part of the cycle. Their parents treated them a certain way, and since that was the only way they knew, they used that as the standard for their parenting style.

My therapist told me something very important that I don’t think we discuss enough as a society–no one intents to be a bad parent. No one has a child and thinks “Man, I’m going to abuse the shit out of this kid.” People have children because they want someone to care for, to love, to support, to have them carry on their name and legacy. But we are imperfect beings. We get depressed and angry. We don’t know how to handle our emotions and lash out at the people around us. We make mistakes.

There are many things about my parents that I want to continue in my own behavior style: I want to be loyal, supportive, and kind to others. But I also don’t want to be emotionally distant, authoritative, or put my job before my health and well being. I don’t want to discipline my children (if I have any) with violence or withholding of affection. I don’t want to have mistrust and treat them like employees in a contract.

Most importantly, I don’t want any future children to think that they can’t express their negative emotions. If they want to yell, I say let them yell. If they want to cry, let them cry. If they want to talk back to show their side, let them talk. I never want them to feel like they have to box up their feelings because it’s not polite to share them. I never want them to know the underlying damage of the ancient concept that children should be seen and not heard. I want my children to have a voice and to learn how to use it. I want them to speak up for themselves when they feel like someone has treated them wrongly. I want them to be able to say no, what you’re doing to me is not okay.

I want to break the cycle.

[brownblob]

I think being able to see the cycles and wanting to break it is a big deal. Most people just repeat the cycles and don't think about it.

[Murphy]

I relate to this so much. I don't want to treat my future children the way my parents treated me. (Also basically good people, but made some huge mistakes, in my opinion.) But then I'm afraid that I'll overcompensate and make some other horrible mistakes that will fuck my children up in a different way.

But I agree with what brownblob said. The desire for change is a great place to start.

[hobojungle]

Welcome studiousstrwbry! Fellow child of wonderful parents who were humans & made mistakes here. Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts. Take care.

[Imissmysun]

I feel like all my kids - my step babies and my bio babies - all of them will be on Pauls show saying that I destroyed their lives - that I was the worst mother/step mother ever - that I failed every way possible-

Am I trying to fail no, not at all - my heart loves these kids all of them in unique vital ways - my out of the womb kids and these beautiful little souls that have been through so much already that my fiance has tried like hell to be consistently involved with - now all of them live with us - its like the Brady Bunch with no Alice on Acid - and nothing is ever resolved in just 30 minutes -

I have my own stuff that I am fighting like mad to cope with - I know I trigger them - they trigger me - but I am the adult right? So I have to keep my stuff together (which I suck at) - seriously no one says hey - you really need to make sure you have your mental stuff together before you have kids -

I think that I will just give them all really good therapists in the area when they leave the house - and apologize for screwing them up - because I know that I do without ever meaning to - humans make mistakes - and I make them daily -