Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

(Note: Being somewhat needy and insecure, I've been reluctant to share too openly on the internet because I'm too suspicious of my own motives. However, I've also been in addiction recovery for a number of years and know the value of sharing with a kindred community. So I'm hoping that forcing myself to stick to things that are actually factual will help me share in a less needy fashion. Hopefully, I'll be able to stick with this for a while, but if I don't keep the habit as regularly as I'd like it's no cause for alarm. It's just that these forums are hard to do from a phone.)

• Last night was the first night I slept in a bed in at least a week. Before that, I was sleeping in a rented car or on a trashed love seat in a bowling alley parking lot.
• I actually found myself with a low-grade fear of heights being in a bed and wound up sleeping on the floor instead.
• My current favorite band is the Oh Hellos. As I was watching this video, I had to keep myself from applauding once or twice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHU0xigLx5s
• I told my parents that I had lost about 20 pounds because I wasn't able to make myself eat and that I would probably gain it back once I was back on proper medication. My dad said "That's a good weight for you, son."
• Right now, I'm battling a deep feeling that I need to be punished for the awful things I've done to my partner and friends over the last three years that I've been mostly insane. It's not outright self-destruction/suicidality, but it's definitely a feeling of "I don't deserve to have a home."

[oak]

Thanks for sharing!

I am really glad you did.

While I am sorry you are suffering so, I must say you have a wonderful command of language. The second sentence of the first bullet point is pure poetry, worthy of Tom Waits or George Orwell.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, oak. I spend a lot of time reading other people's words, so maybe it's rubbed off. I'll tell you what, though—it is damn hard to do this. Especially right now, when sorting fact from fiction seems to be ever more difficult.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I ran out of my antidepressant yesterday.

2. I haven't had regular care for many years now. I don't know how many of the "reasons" are facts, so I'm going to leave that part out. Safe to say, though, it's my responsibility and my fault.

3. I get really exhausted by having to second- and third-guess myself all the time, even about the most trivial things—things like what I want to have for dinner.

4. I really don't want to hurt anyone else. I really don't. But I can't keep hurting myself the way I want to without hurting other people.

5. I quit smoking 8 years ago last month. I wish I hadn't.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing.

I hope things get better for you soon.

(Sorry if this sounds trite! I mean it sincerely.)

Hang in there.

[Imissmysun]

I love this post it's really raw and personal. I think you are brave to share to admit these things out loud.

I hope the realizations can lead to understanding and hope for you and not another excuse to beat yourself up. We all do that more than enough.

Take small steps to self care even as hurt and pained as you are you are worthy of it. I appreciate your truth.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I wound up in what amounts to a psych urgent care center last night because my partner felt she had to take the reins on getting my meds and that was what she came up with. That bought me two more weeks.

2. The granola bars that I'm eating for breakfast came from a woman at the center who was coming off meth and had to get rid of the food in her bag in order to be admitted.

3. I'm not sure whether I shared those two facts because they're facts or because I think they'll earn me cool points.

4. I remember hearing once that it's always the most screwed up stories that earn people admiration in AA meetings. I miss my original AA community, even as I know I was manipulating them into letting me keep some of my shitty behavior just because it wasn't drinking.

5. I sometimes wonder if any of those people would take my call today, knowing how off the rails I am.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I'm almost too tired to do this today, but I'm procrastinating on work right now.

2. For a while now, my first thoughts when I wake up have been one of three things: an image of a hand holding a gun against my head, an image of rope being wrapped around my neck, or my brain calling me a "fat fucking idiot" (which is extra silly since I now weigh only two pounds more than I did in college 25 years ago).

3. I edited that last line a few times trying to remember what my brain actually says. As if it's SO important to be 100% accurate about my craziness.

4. I've looked at the Seminal Moments forum a few times now, wondering if I should share some of my own moments. But I can't tell whether retelling those stories is a way to get better or a way to stay stuck in them.

5. I finally signed up for Goodreads today. I really like signing up for sites that recommend things and then confusing the crap out of them with the random things I've read, seen, or heard. To the point where if someone else uses my Netflix profile, I get annoyed because I'm not sure whether my recommendations have been influenced by them or are screwed up all thanks to me.

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I think the two shittiest words in the English language are "if only...."

2. I'm trying to get back into journaling the way I did eight years ago between getting separated and getting into recovery. I'm really afraid to do it, though, because my partner has previously read my journals (I may have told her she could; I don't remember) and has since been quoting my more insightful self back to me, which somehow only increases my feelings of hopelessness.

3. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the amazing people I have come in contact with over the course of my life. For example, a friend's son just underwent horrendously major brain surgery to treat otherwise untreatable epilepsy and still has enough self-possession to be grateful for it.

4. Usually after thoughts moments of realizing how awesome those people are, I quickly feel like I have no business knowing them.

5. The longer I write these five facts, the more afraid I am that I'm going to repeat something I've already said and wind up looking like an OCD freak for you all to see.