Free Ban: I finally know what's wrong with me

[FreeBan]

After seeing my therapist for a year and a half I finally know what I have. It seems so simple. It seems like we should have both known a long time ago. I mean without a doubt I had some sort of depression and all sorts of anxiety. But today it was given a name: dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder. It's exactly how it sounds. My constant state of mild depression for years, my lack of productivity, my sense of guilt and worry, my lack of interest in all the things I used to love, my phases of extreme depression, my insomnia, my worthlessness. All of it. I have so much work I'm not doing right now, so many deadlines I'm not meeting but instead of doing anything about it, I'm here writing this. But there's a reason.

Long story short, today my therapist gave me homework in an effort to revive my interest in the things from which I used to derive pleasure. So everyday, I'm supposed to do something that makes me feel free. Here's the sad part. I struggled so much to think of one thing I could do. Cooking? No, too time consuming. Playing my old violin? Nope, can't remember how. Taking a drive? Too tired. Looking through old photos? Too painful. Dancing in front of the mirror? Can't remember how to dance. You get the picture. With every suggestion I made to myself, I got more emotional. It frightened me to engage in an activity that I haven't done in ages. Like looking into a mirror of me 10 years ago when I used to be mostly happy. What a loss. I used to be awesome. I used to love me.

So instead of doing my one thing today, I cried. And it hurt.

Then I thought, why rush all these painful memories? What can I do today that is liberating? I decided I can share what I'm feeling with the public. That's what I can do today. So here I am, writing this, procrastinating yet again instead of meeting my deadlines.

[brownblob]

I'm so glad you shared. Sometimes it can be liberating to just type out your feelings and put them out there. I've struggled with depression my whole life, so I know what it's like. I have no great advice. Try to do what you can when you can.