YoSaffBridge's Diary

[YoSaffBridge]

It's one of those days where I just feel like a complete fuck up and want to vent about it. I can't post a Facebook status, because then all my friends would be all "No, you're great!" Which is awesome, but I would feel like a sympathy/attention grubbing asshat. Plus, I don't want want to be told I'm great at the moment, you know? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be told I'm shit either. (If I did, I'd just call my mom! Ba-DUM-tss!) I don't really know what I want I guess, except to feel heard and identified with.

Here's the rundown of my crazy:
My apartment is a disaster. Overflowing litterboxes, dirty dishes everywhere, dirty laundry everywhere, unpacked boxes from when I moved a FULL YEAR AGO. 3/4 empty milk cartons in the fridge because I can never decide if they've gone dodgy so instead of just throwing them out when I get a new one, I just throw a new one on to the freaking pile. I sleep on a love seat in the living room rather than sleeping in my bed. I don't know why. I haven't consistently slept in a bed since I started living alone 8 years ago. And when I had to chuck my old couch, I just started sleeping, crumpled up, on the love seat. It's honestly not that uncomfortable, but I'm either sleeping with my feet up in the air or my legs curled to fit the couch.

Bill collectors are calling all the time. Credit cards and student loans, every day, and to my work number. I'm good at ducking them, but still. And the mail is a delightful reminder of "Hey, you owe us money!" And I'm like, "Yeah, take a number."

I lost my work ID that I need to get in and out of my office. Not a major deal, but still. Replacing it will be another $30. And if I had just gotten off my lazy ass three months ago when the last one I lost got found, I would have had one in reserve, but my crack-monkey ADHD brain couldn't be arsed to walk 5 minutes to the office that had it at, and then they threw it out (Which, what the fuck? Mail it, turn it in some place else, but don't chuck it.)

My car's a messy disaster, too. Oh, and better yet, I got pulled over at the beginning of January, and I don't have the title for the car. The girl I bought the car from 16 months ago lives in Seattle, and she never sent it to me. So I have a $154 ticket to pay or contest, but I still don't have the fucking title. Hooray! And I don't know how to set up a court date if I want to contest the ticket, and if anything has more than three steps I just get overwhelmed and decide not to deal with it.

I would say my stomach is upset about 50% of the time. Not catastrophically so, but at least uneasy. Probably because I rarely eat any food with actual food in it. And I think "Oh, I should start cooking more, or at least keep a food diary to see if there are any trends" but I won't because that will require doing something different and positive and sticking to it, and lord knows we can't have that happening.

I have a prescription of Adderall I can fill, but the first time I tried and saw the copay was over $100, I was like, "Noooope!" even though I have a TSB account so it wouldn't have felt like it cost me any money. I've not been on Adderall, so I don't even know if it will help, but apparently I can't clear the hurdle of trying it at least. Oh, I also have the convenient excuse of having lost my new insurance and prescription cards when they came in December, which I can use to "justify" not having gone to get it filled yet.

I haven't seen my counselor in about two months. I missed our last appointment accidentally, and we were supposed to figure something out in the new year. But then I didn't hear from her, and I forwarded her the article Paul shared on co-narcissism and didn't hear back, so now I feel like "Don't go bothering her with your piddly shit when you're not even going to get better anyway, assbag, her office is already overloaded." So I don't email her to reschedule, which is good, because I don't really want to look into the mirror of my fuckeduposity right now anyway. Oh, and I was supposed to start grad school to become a counselor like 5 years ago, but I can't get over the inertia of not moving enough to actually do anything.

I'll probably be back to my Pollyanna, excellent avoiding self by the end of the week, smoking a little pot and dicking around on my iPhone instead of getting anything done, but for now I am stewing in my self-loathing, and man does it have a rich, savory sauce.

[manuel_moe_g]

I learned to be satisfied with 20 seconds of productive work a day, and that helped a lot. My anxiety made it impossible to do more than that, but even writing down an address then collapsing out of anxiety made my tomorrow a little easier because I knew I wouldn't have to worry about finding the address. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow!

[YoSaffBridge]

Since I've been seeing my counselor for almost ten years, and I've spent a while kind of doing "maintenance" therapy, more than the really hard stuff, I thought I'd finally gotten over what I belittingly refer to as "my mommy issues." It's been several years since my therapist could say, and then I could say "My mother is abusive." It turns out, there's a canyon between saying that and saying "And I was abused." My body physically tenses up typing that. It means that the bitchmother in my head isn't normal. It means that I have to learn to stop tearing myself down for every failure, and stop mocking the smallest success. It means I now have to start looking at myself with compassion, and acknowledge that in order to get other shit in my life together, I'm going to have to acknowledge that (gag) inner child and start actively making myself be kind to her. I am going to have to allow myself to feel awful all over again for stuff that my loud brain screamingly declares as nonsense that I should be past, and stop ignoring discomfort, and stop believing the lies about how full of shit I am, and how lazy and worthless. And there are few things I can think of that I want to do less. So this should be fun.