ifelldown's diary

[ifelldown]

a lot of stuff is on my mind currently, and it's hard to sort it out.
i miss my girlfriend a lot, and i can't even talk to her for a couple more days because she's away from home with no internet (long distance suuucks). and since it's only been about a week since i've been back from our first visit, i'm still adjusting back to being home. and there's nothing to look forward to.

i came out to a lot of people at work sort of offhandedly and everybody is being really supportive so far but i'm scared that something's going to happen and i'm going to find out the hard part of being "out". at least my boss is gay so it's not a "new" thing in our workplace, but it's scary for me I guess.

and i'm twenty six years old but sometimes i feel like i'm six. i just want to throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum until somebody pays attention to me, rubs my back, gives me a stuffy and tucks me in to sleep. my girlfriend feels like the only person who knows when to indulge my bratty childish side and when to be firm. i miss her

my therapist said to compare emotions to waves, that go in and out, and they crest and then they get better. so i mean i know this blue period won't last forever, but it sure feels like it right now.

-- me

[Hail Ceasar]

Your co-workers still being supportive? For what it's worth coming from a stranger online, good job coming out publicly haha

[ifelldown]

@ Hail Ceasar -- I haven't had any negative comments, so i count that as a plus ^^

04/10/14

I got to have a video-chat with my girlfriend today which actually makes things a lot better. It's not the same as being with her, but it's the closest I can get for another 18 months it was really good, like sometimes it fills up my "meter" so to speak and then I feel like I am recharged for a couple days, more relaxed. and i really do feel happier this past week????

me and her had a real nice talk, where we both discussed what had happened on the trip and how we felt in the aftermath. and feelings haven't changed -- well, they got stronger. and she wants to see me next year as soon as we can schedule it. it just SUCKS that i have to wait so long to see her.

sometimes i can be satisfied knowing that she loves me and wants me and cares for me, but other days i just get so frustrated that i can't snuggle up next to her and fall asleep like that. i have the blanket that we used on the trip and i sleep with that. it doesn't smell as much like her anymore, but it's better than nothing.

[ifelldown]

I made the mistake of looking up the signs of codependency on a bunch of different websites, and then I took a bunch of quizzes and read a bunch of checklists and halfway convinced myself that I am codependent, that my relationship with my girlfriend is more fucked up than anything else in my life, and the trouble is that I have no idea if it's true or not.

I told HER some of the signs that I thought applied to me -- people pleasing, wanting people to need you, etc. IDK, she said that doesn't necessarily mean anything and that I should ask my therapist but I'm scared to death.

Usually if I convince myself that I've got some kind of disorder, I'm okay with it explaining my issues. Listening to my dad talk about his Aspergers has convinced me that I've got that. I'm okay with a lot of things.

But I'm not okay with somebody telling me that I'm needy, that I'm manipulative, that I'm codependent (even if I believe those things about myself).

I haven't seen my therapist in over a week, and she hasn't returned my message yet about scheduling a new appointment and I'm feeling very lost and floating around. I need some guidance.

[ifelldown]

Around Wednesday Last week I had a really difficult time. I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype and said how sometimes I feel like I don't exist, and then it turned into this whole conversation where she thinks my meds aren't working and I'm not supposed to be feeling this way so much. (Thankfully (???) she also lives with depression and anxiety and understands a lot of how I feel).

But it was SUCH a rough day and I couldn't really articulate how I was feeling but my girlfriend listened, and she said I *need* to tell my therapist these things, and I am so afraid of being like, institutionalized if there is something ~wrong~ with me? Like, if I think about dying does that mean they have to put me in a locked room???

So I see my therapist on Tuesday and I don't know how to tell her things and I don't know if I am seriously worse off than I thought I was or what.

I'm just scared, and I hate that my gf lives so far away because I would like her company right now (her physical company) and I can't even GET that until October.

Ugh.

[manuel_moe_g]

I would also recommend being totally honest with your therapist. There are so many steps before being institutionalized that it shouldn't be much of a worry. Please take care, please be loving to yourself, all the best, cheers!

[ifelldown]

I keep posting in this diary because I am nervous to venture into the rest of the forum ^^ I will, eventually.
Right now, it's 5am where I am, and I've been awake for half an hour for no reason. I don't know if the meds mess up my sleep schedule, or if it's just my depression. I've been sleeping a LOT on my days off from work. I'll get up, eat breakfast, feed the animals, watch a show, then go back to bed. No doubt I'll go back to sleep in a half hour or after I finish typing this.

I'm supposed to be moving out of my current place and back in with my parents in about a month, and that involves me cleaning and packing and I just have no energy for it. I'll do it, eventually, I suppose, but god, procrastination is so easy.

I'm proud of myself that last week I finally went and got my passport application done (for my trip to Europe on October). THAT was a big weight off my shoulders.

UGH, I don't know what I want to write here. I just want to get some words out, I guess, and feel like I'm being heard. Some days I just need hugs and I feel so stuck and have nowhere to get them from. (At least moving back in with my parents will provide me with the company of my younger siblings... being in this place where I am now just feeds my loneliness).

[manuel_moe_g]

Procrastination is a false belief that your future self is more motivated and focused and organized than your current self. The self-loving course is to move slow with a lot of breaks and start work NOW in the most self-loving way possible. Please take care, all the best.

[ifelldown]

@moe -- I like what you said about procrastination. I mean, I know it's not healthy, but I never thought about it that way. This week is my week to "get things done" including cleaning and phone calls I've been putting off. I hate doing them, but i like how I feel when it's done, and I guess that's what to look forward too, right?

[ifelldown]

So, I'm visiting my long distance gf in her home country.

Anyway, she's in a support group for her addiction (AA) Because some of the meetings are open, I've been going with her, partially for support and because I just want to know more and I related to addiction in general.

I've been considering Overeaters Anonymous myself, because I am definitely an overeater or a food addict, or something of the sort. But in my area, there's only about 1 OA meeting a day and most of them are during times when I work. I've worked it out that I could probably attend one a week, and then I've been looking for the bigger groups, like AA, to see if there's one that's open and I can attend for more support.

I just am so nervous going by myself? With her I've only attended 4 meetings and I haven't participated though.

At the last meeting there was a person who introduced herself as a food addict, and my gf suggested (after the meeting) that I talk to her or perhaps get her email, since her issues relate more closely to mine. If she's at the next one, I would like to, but I'm nervous. People are so confusing to me. Bah.

Okay well that's it for now -- i'm listening to the latest podcast ep and I can't listen and type at the same time ^^