Shame verses Guilt

[YLC2525]

I went to see my therapist yesterday. One thing we've been talking about is all the guilt I feel. Guilt about everything, all the time, always. If I'm not feeling guilty, I feel guilty about that (surely there's something I should feel guilty about??), and then sometimes, I feel guilty for feeling guilty. (Especially when someone tells me to quit feeling guilty.) It's endless and exhausting and I have no idea how to stop. Here's an example of how bad it can be. I was afraid I was going to be late for a counseling appointment,(and I would feel guilty about that) so I left work early and ended up showing up 20 minutes early. My counselor was eating his dinner, but brought me back to my appointment 10 minutes early. I felt such guilt that about him not getting his whole dinner break that I started crying in his office.

Anyway, in my session yesterday my therapist suggested it wasn't guilt I was feeling, but shame. I didn't know how to respond because I can't say I really knew (know) the difference. I'll probably muddle this up, my my therapist explained it like this: Guilt is what you feel for something you have done, while shame is not for what you have done, but for who you are (or believe you are.)

Having been on many a therapist's couch over many a years, I thought I knew my issues pretty well by now. But he is right, from what I comprehend anyway. The crux of what I am feeling is not that what I am doing/saying/thinking is wrong, but that I am wrong.

Alas, I do not know what to do with this new knowledge. And that makes me feel guilt (shame). Haha, isn't life hilarious?

[ghostmouse]

There have been some interesting studies about the difference between shame and guilt in children. Unfortiunately I can't find the article I read about this, but the gist of it was: children who are more prone to shame tend to try to hide their mistakes, whereas children who are more prone to guilt will tell an adult what happened and try to make it right. So in some ways, guilt is embarrassment with hope, whereas shame is embarrassment without hope.

[YLC2525]

Thank you for replying, ghostmouse. Since reading your reply I have done a bit of internet research and found the same type of information that you sited in your post. Shame certainly does seem more vicious than guilt.

[riotghoul]

In Brene Brown's books (on shame and perfectionism) she distinguishes between the two in a way that really rang true for me: Guilt is about something you did, while shame is about who you are. I think for a lot of us shame is linked to what we see as our identity.

[Arkay]

Here is the link to Brene Brown's talk about this very issue. I am in the thick of dealing with this myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ifUM1DYKg