Todd G.’s story of loss and trauma

[Crazy480s]

I listened to the “Unspeakable Trauma” episode twice. My heart broke for Todd as he described losing his partner twice. And to cope with that, my gawd. I couldn’t imagine losing someone twice and saying goodbye again. And then it happened to me. My friend, who was clearly in a bad way the day before, a d refused to be taken to hospital, died, as I was trying to keep an eye on him. He was responsive earlier. Then, it got weird. And then I couldn’t hear him breathing. I called 911, I did CPR, the paramedics got his heart going but his body was ravaged by alcohol, and not eating. He was all hooed up to tubes and bags and needles. But I knew he was gone. His brother had hope, but maybe bringing him back was worse. Because we knew, we knew, he didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. And he was so SMART!! My heart is broken, like I wake up with a gaping hole in my chest every morning. I’m not using or drinking or gambling. I smoked cigarettes after it happened, but only because the brother gave me them. Shlda wlda clda nada. I just miss talking to him. I feel like I deserve punishment. Barely holding on. Crying turns to heaving and panic. I hope Todd G. is doing better.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, you don't deserve punishment. Strength to you, and peace.

[rivergirl]

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, Crazy480s. It isn't your fault.

rivergirl

[Crazy480s]

Thank-you rivergirl. I was doing okay. Then my cat passed away at 16. I was, more devastated more than I thought I would be.
And THEN 2 weeks ago, another friend wasn’t responding to his phone, or answering his door. His brother showed up the next day to find his brither passed away. Back to back seizures caused his heart to fail. Very unexpected. Today I thought of the first funeral I we t to my g’fathers on the reserve. Grief is fucking exhausting.