Notes on the Sudden Death of an Acquaintance

[snoringdog]

It's been about a month now. A flood of feelings at first... should I post or not?

All my life I've been living with vague dread, anticipating things such as this....and here's the latest example.

Comparing myself to him ...................Why do I do this?
He was known and liked in the industry.................Who am I?
He had a degree from MIT..............I could have had that, if I'd had the desire, focus and drive when I was young.
He seemed to know what he wanted in life and pursued it.......Why am I not like that?
Am I wasting my life? What does that really mean anyway?

Death is coming- Which way is best? Slow, with illness or sudden like his?

What will people say about me when I'm gone? Do I really care, and why?

Some days colors look so vibrant and I feel so connected that death seems to be impossible.

How fragile we are, and nothing is guaranteed....

How will I manage when a tragedy strikes? So far, I've been only a spectator, but anticipating my turn..

[snoringdog]

I'm able to still move and feel and breathe and succeed and fail, and he cannot.

Disorienting if I think too much.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry for your loss, snoringdog. A death can prompt these types of reflections, even if you weren't especially close.

I suppose comparisons can be useful to a point if they help you realize things within your control that you want to change, but they can also be destructive to your peace of mind. I don't have a solution to this issue since it's something I'm still trying to work on myself. A meditation course that I'm taking recommends that when you have any type of thought, to "softly note" to yourself the category (in this case, comparison). I don't know what the next steps are, but I think the idea is that you first need to be become aware of your thought patterns before you can change them.

Again, I'm very sorry.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Thanks for your note. Life can be jarring. I think I've always lived with vague feelings of doom and "What ifs...".

I've heard about what you mentioned, and yes, it's to recognize the thoughts for the ephemeral things that they are.
If they can be categorized, it helps to add some distance, and you can start to see how your mind works from a more omniscient point of view.
Takes away the oppressive feeling and the sense of being a victim or slave to the whims of the mind..

As with everything, knowing is one thing.... practicing/mastering is another.

I hope you are well.

SD

[oak]

Thank you for sharing!

To the extent that anyone or anything is "normal", your questions are normal and healthy. I ask myself many of the same, so you are certainly not alone.

[Heatherwantspeace]

SD, I have the same thoughts when someone dies tragically and there's stories in the paper about what a good person they were, or had a bright future, or are just really attractive and active.
What would anyone say about me? Would it be less tragic if it had been me? Do I count?

[snoringdog]

Heather,

Yes, you *do* count!

And we all count!

But why the hell is it so hard for us to realize that some days?