Social Anxiety and Life

[BurgDweller]

Looking to get some advice from some lovely individuals in this forum who may have had similar experiences as I. I struggle with anxiety and have my entire life, I remember being anxious in pre-school. It is almost 100% social anxiety. It is so debilitating that it has kept me from going for jobs at work I know I am qualified for, but I know I will bomb the interviews. The anxiety manifests itself in my chest and in high stress social situations, my voice gets very shaky and once that happens, there is no recovering. I have screwed up 2 interviews at my current job so badly that I have not gone for another job in 8 years. Also, I really don’t approach women due to the anxiety, so I have been single for the past 6 years and have only been on 3 dates during this time, all of which I bombed. I am fortunate to not have to deal with many panic attacks, only have had 3 in my life during extremely stressful social situations. My job has been perfect for having social anxiety, I write correspondence in a corporate setting and really don’t have to interact with people all that much. However, recently, they have forced a bunch of people in my department into early retirement and have combined their job functions into mine (for same pay of course….got to love corporate America). This involves calling customers on a regular basis. I have huge phone anxiety and have been really beating myself up lately over some really bad phone calls I have made over the past couple of weeks. My questions include 1) Has anybody had these types of experiences? 2) Do you think meds will help ease the anxiety so I can function like a normal person? 3) What steps have you taken to overcome these issues? I have no trauma in my life, just chemical imbalance and have never been to a psychologist or therapist in my 36 years on this planet. I don’t even know where to begin.

[oak]

Hey! I have to get going to my corporate-America job myself, so I'll post a more complete response in a day or two.

In the meantime, some quick thoughts:

Yes, what you describe is very common.

You have a lot going for you, more than you probably realize.

You also face some very real difficulties.

Many people have been where you are (including myself), and have made it through.

Action and better thinking are ultimately what is going to get you out of this.

There are very good cultural/evolutionary reasons to be afraid of approaching attractive people, which happily not longer apply in a large, modern society like. We need to be polite, considerate, kind, and thoughtful, but we need not fear.

[Imissmysun]

Hi Burg! Welcome!

Firstly, yes yes and yes - I have had many of these experiences - I have a deep fear and love of people - I am introverted and have a huge amount of anxiety in large groups - I feel ostracized before I even have a chance to be rejected - I hate phones I did for a long time - I had a great deal of anxiety about them - however- that is my job now - I answer phone calls and talk to people all day long - I guess its kind of exposure therapy in a way because while I don't really enjoy it and it can be very exhausting it has become easier and easier - you follow a script in your head - just keep it simple and concise - you have to make calls out of the office keep a list of what you have to say and just read it - it will help to have a script - that way you are more confident - look I know my job I know what I have to say and people may get upset they may say all kinds of things - but being the messenger and not the creator of policy you need to place all of those remarks in a box called not my stuff - and leave it there -

As far as interview anxiety I highly recomment role playing with people you trust or going to a company that helps with interview skills and resume creation and building your skills to be more employable - they will help build your confidence - I mean honestly it is really hard to sell yourself and dates - especially when the angry old yelling man in your head is screaming awful things into your ear -

I find personally for me maintaining polite distance is the best way to get through my day - if I feel inclined to banter I do - I make no apologies for myself only for policies I have no contraol over and then I vent and throw the anger directed at me in the not my stuff box and close the lid. You need to know that after all id said and done the person on the phone will not be thinknig of you negatively they will encompass the company as a whole in a sweeping statement - it will not be anything that you have done or not done simply performed the cog piece that the corporate structure pays you to do -

[Murphy]

BurgDweller, I get what you're going through. I also have a lot of social anxiety.

Meds can definitely help! It helped me a ton. I starting doing a really interactive job a few months after the first time I went on meds and, while I was a little nervous, I realized that I never would have been able to do it at all without the meds. If your anxiety is that debilitating, I would recommend giving it a try. Therapy as well might be able to help you develop some strategies for getting through anxiety-inducing situations. You also may think that you don't have trauma, but it's possible that some innocuous sounding situation from your past really did create some kind of trauma and these social situations are triggering some kind of unconscious memory. There is, unfortunately, the anxiety produced by making the phone call to make an appointment, but it's a great first step and totally worth it.

Honestly, the best way to work on social anxiety (besides therapy and/or meds) is to put yourself out there and do it. I had a job where I had to make a bunch of phone calls. There was no way to get out of it, so I just wrote myself a little script and did it. And after the first few, the anxiety started to lessen. I used to avoid going to stores because I didn't want to have to talk to the cashier, but if I needed something, then I made myself do it, made myself say "Hi, how are you?" or make small talk. It sucks, and I'm still not totally good at it, but it can get easier. Good luck!

[BurgDweller]

Thanks for the great replies! Just reading your responses, knowing others feel the same and have had similar experiences eases my pain a bit and I am grateful for the support. I think with the phone calls, as imissmysun mentioned, is that with repetition and time the anxiety will lessen. This past week, I have been sort of “cherry picking” out of our work queues picking the ones that will be quick calls that will not involve a lot of detail and explanation. The anxiety is still very much there but the script in my head is easier to follow and I think the more of them I do, the more confidence I will gain and just build from there. And another thing, I am definitely overthinking that the people on the other end are judging me. They probably don’t care as long as I convey the message they need. I will try to leave it at that and not ruminate. As far as “getting out there,” that is easier said than done, but I have tried that in the past with the Meetup groups to interact with strangers, (when I go out with friends I just interact with them) but it really feels awkward and uncomfortable and I quit going after a couple of times with several different groups. There was someone I was interested in and she seemed to be into me a little, but another more confident outgoing guy came along and totally got her attention. The 3 dates I went on were setups through friends. I am definitely open to more advice and I am more than thankful to you all for reading my long posts!

[oak]

Hey Burg!

I am glad to see you posting.

You know, I think you're a really smart, sensitive, kind person.

May I offer you a bit a tough love, offered kindly?

[BurgDweller]

Hello Oak, thanks and I am ready. I feel I could use it!

[oak]

Good for you!

Now, you aren't going to like any of this, and I promise that if you follow my advice your life will be worse.

In the short run.

Also, I offer you the following kindly. We are very much alike. You seem like a good guy. You're smart and thoughtful.

Prepare yourself.

Cherry picking the easiest calls is the road to ruin. You'll earn the disgust of your co-workers, since you are shirking work and burdening them. As if that wasn't bad enough, if you keep up this bad habit your career will likely stall, or regress. You're a better man than this. At age 36 you have time to turn this around. But you are headed in the wrong direction.

Here's the part you'll hate hearing: I suggest you ask around until you find the most-hated, most complex, least-desired duty that you are qualified for. If no one else wants to do it, ask your boss for a chance. Then become proficient at it, or even something of an expert. Run towards it.

Next, I want you to cherry pick the worst calls. The most complex ones. The most aggravating ones. As a form of penance ask your coworkers to send you them to you.

Right now, you have a choice: the easy or the hard way. The easy way is easy short term but is much harder long term.

If you do as I suggest you'll curse me, for good reason. Everything will go wrong. Really bad.

Then, one day, something little will break your way. Then, it will happen more and more often. Someday soon you'll find yourself making a game of grabbing the worst calls before someone else takes them.

You have to face this. This will not get better with time. If thinking was going to fix this, it would have worked by now. Direct action is your only hope at work.

[Imissmysun]

Oak there is a certain mad genius to your advice and I think all of us could take a dose of it

[Kismet]

BurgDweller, I hope you are doing well. I think you should try going to a psychologist, they might be able to give you a few calming techniques and a place to vent your fears and explain your anxiety. I think going to a psychiatrist would also be good so they could give you anti anxiety meds to take in situational times only such as job interviews, you don't seem like your looking for some drugs to be on full time so dr probly more likely to understand and prescribe. Well, that's my two cents... I'm sure whatever you decide will be best. I like to go to therapist every once in a while just to vomit out all of the worries that are circling around in my head, so you may even want to try that- hey, just for fun lol! Anyway I hope all goes well