Marriage: My Husband is So Tired of This

[_mlmlmlm_]

This is my first time posting here. I've been listening to the podcast and found it very helpful, but I wonder if it somewhat makes me feel like I AM taking action to improve situations, but really I'm just listening and not being active.

I've always been so bad at following through. As a small-town, white, cis, Kansas-raised woman - I had a lot of things handed to me and never had to really work hard. In fact, I even chose a career based on what I'm already good at. I don't know that I really considered whether or not I'd enjoy that thing - except that I'm good at it and not hard = enjoyment.


My husband is amazing, kind, loving, supportive, intuitive, and vocal. For the last 3 years he has been trying to coax me into improving my emotional detachment and lack of vulnerability. It's been a huge struggle and we've experienced a lot of life changes throughout that time, including: getting married, my husband transforming FTM, me hating my job and getting a new one, my husband had one planned surgery and one surprise surgery, I just had a surgery, we opened our relationship, we moved into a house.

Wow...I've never seen that list all at once. That doesn't mean there's an excuse for my SEVERE resistance to openness, honesty and vulnerability. Although I don't lie about my daily events, I lie all the time about how I'm feeling, even when asked about it. And it's impossible for me to ask for help most of the time. Although I feel as though I've made some progress on these things finally...my husband just ins't feeling enough of a change.

My emotional instability and the fact that we have almost no connection with each other is stressful and painful, to say the least. My husband is very physically affected by emotional pain and it is actually causing him 24/7 pain on top of his already-painful existence. He grew up with a ton of trauma.

In addition, I have this severe anxiety about meeting expectations. As in, if our relationship doesn't involve xxx, then it's not a real relationship. It's so silly, because intellectually I understand all of these things we talk about. But I'm so afraid of emotionally/physically integrating them. Because of this, I have lots of expectations about how things should be, but I don't actually make any action to create those.

For example, my husband says that every time he walks into a room he can just feel me needing something from him - whether that's acknowledgement, a kiss, conversation, etc. I know for a fact he doesn't enjoy talking in the mornings, but sometimes it's so so so hard for me to not talk to him. I don't honor that need.

TL;DR: Here are my issues...
- Emotional unavailability
- Severe ego-based existence/selfishness
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Codependence
- Inauthenticity
- Inability to be vulnerable
- Lack of openness
- Non-understanding of what I'm feeling
- Resistance to expressing how I am actually feeling
- Difficulty asking for help

My husband is exhausted. He has been putting in so much work and I haven't really. I'm so scared that this wonderful relationship will end by my hand.

I guess I'm just looking for some support or advice, or even stories of things working out or not. Thank you. <3

[oak]

Thanks for sharing! I'm glad you are using your words.

For what my two cents are worth, it sounds like you've been through alot lately: surgery and a job change. I think it is good, if not celebrated, to take time to heal, physically and emotionally from such changes.

What I am getting at: American advertising/culture posits "Go big or go home!" etc. Yet look at nature: there are seasons, there is waxing and waning. A tree that always puts forth leaves will not thrive like a tree that lies "dormant" during the winter. Or, if you prefer, observe dogs, tides, storms, or any other natural phenomenon.

I encourage you to give yourself some patience and grace.

[_mlmlmlm_]

You're so right, Oak!

I think I really get ahead of myself or think things can change in an instant. That's definitely not the case and actively reminding myself of that will be very important. I hate, hate, hate the 'pull yourselves up by your bootstraps'...'if you just work hard enough'... mentalities that seem to function alongside 'go big or go home'. How incredibly damaging.

Thanks for reading and for your suggestion! I hope you have a wonder-filled day.

[oak]

You're going to make it, mlm!

Just keep communicating and sticking to your values and principles. Keep us posted.