Hello I'm a total freak

[void87]

Hi all,

Been listening to the podcast for many years now and it's been an excellent source of support and learning for me. I've cried and laughed so many times listening to others' stories - relating to them or learning about the struggles other people have.

I have many of my own struggles and I'm currently feeling like I'm going through one of the worst patches in my life.

I have depression. I have issues with self-harm and two years ago I attempted suicide. I recently am getting to grips with the idea that I might be a sex and love addict that has caused a lot of problems in my current relationship which is currently crumbling beneath me. My housemates want to kick me out of the house and have used insulting language to do so.

I have been seeing a therapist for nearly two years and she's excellent but right at the moment I need some help. I spoke to the Samaritan's (UK) today and will be attending my first SLAA meeting tomorrow evening.

I want help. I want to be better. I don't want to feel empty. I hate the stupid things I've done. I don't want to cut myself anymore. I want a stable and caring relationship with my partner and I want her to trust me.

In other parts of my life I compose and perform music and sound art and make radio programmes.

Thank you for reading.

[subjectiveobject]

Hey champ,

thanks for introducing yourself in the touching way you did. I feel you on the rat race you are trying to get out. You did a great job at coming this far.

The podcast is particularly useful to gap-close the endless space between the therapy-sessions.

I hope your relationship is not affecting you as destructive as your housing situation is and gives you some leverage until you are feeling better.

Some city Councils in the UK provide shared apartments to people in need. Maybe you want to think about changing depite the enormous effort it takes. I understand that it may be too much to put up with hostile roommates at the moment.
Where you live should be an absolutely safe environment though. I would like to suggest tackling the roommate issue first since one needs a safe place to start recovering.

Personally i can only encourage you to attend the SLAA meeting as group-work has helped me much more than the therapy sessions (even though the later were absolutely necessary in the first place). Nevertheless i am not an expert on anything enspecially not love addiction. So i would listen more to what your therapist has to say on your recent discovery.

I wish you all the best for your group-session tomorrow

Thanks for posting!

PS: maybe you want to tell us afterwards how it went

[oak]

Thanks for sharing!

I'm glad you're using your words. Keep it up.

[void87]

Hey guys,

Thank you so much for your support, I'm in tears now thinking about what you've said.

However, I have just cut myself again and it feels like it was the only option to all the pain I've caused and been feeling recently.

I really hope the relationship can get better. We spoke today and I was just in shock to hear all the stupid fucking things I've done when drunk. I've neglected my girlfriend, lost her trust and lied to her. I can't go on like this. For me and for her.

I appreciate the advice about the housing situation. I do have a few friends I can stay with for the time being and will be making use of that.

I have also decided to go sober for a month as I think that's what I need to do. It's going to be difficult as drinking has become so ingrained in my social life and work. I work in pubs and with breweries as well as being a musician so I know that there are so many occassions where drinking loads of beer is just the norm. But I need a break. I want a better relationship with alcohol.

I am nervous about going to the SLAA meeting tomorrow but hearing your responses today has made me want to go more, it's given me some strength and I really appreciate that.

Thank you again.

[subjectiveobject]

Hello Void,

good to see you again on here.

talking to your partner and realising that yourself drunk is not the way you want to present yourself to either her or you is the right move and a good starting point for you both together.

I wonder what your therapists has got to say about that. Are you still attending her meetings?

You have to remember that you not only live in a country that supports alcoholism in various ways but also that your professional and social environment will not let you out easily.
Stopping drinking is what Paul nearly every episode tells you to do first, so it cant be wrong

How did the group-work went?

much love

[void87]

Hey subjectiveobjective,

Thanks for your kind words! I haven't been on the forum in a long time, I used to just browse every now and again.

You're right. Often my drunk self is destructive, angry and hurtful. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I have a self-destruct mode and prone to say yes to a beer whenever it's offered.

I also have to take small steps at a time. I am aiming for a month of the booze with the help of a little app too. My partner has also said she would ditch the booze as well, which I think is a really wonderful thing, but I told her that she didn't have to because it was me who has the problem with alcohol.

I had to leave work early today as I was about to burst into tears at any moment. Luckily work have been really understanding and given me two days off. I visited Samaritans who have been so excellent. I put off using their services for years but have been so appreciative of them in the past couple of days.

My meeting is in a couple of hours. I will let you all know how it goes. It means a lot that people are encouraging. I've never been to a meeting like this so I am really nervous for lots of reasons.

[void87]

Oh and yes I saw my therapist last week and will be seeing her again on Wednesday. She's been amazing but I just need a little extra help as 45 mins a week isn't quite enough to go through the shit I gotta sort out!!!! I will ask her on Weds about drinking.

[subjectiveobject]

I would ask your partner to stop drinking while your recovering. Your brain is already primed to the smell, the brand, ... It would make things a lot harder for you if you would have to constantly overcome the feeling that will arise in you when you see the alcohol. On top of that the alcohol will most of the time be seen when you see your partner at the same time. Assuming you associate good feelings with your partner, these will trick you into associating the same with alcohol.

45 minutes is not long. I feel you on that one. It may not be enough for you. Then go check out the forum, samaritans, friends, online-therapy, aaaaaand groups. BTW how did it go in the end?

all the best

[void87]

Hey all,

I went to my first SLAA meeting yesterday. To be honest, the whole of yesterday was incredibly difficult but I have to go through this.

I was incredibly nervous and a lot of what was said really touched me and I was moved. Quite a few people spoke to me afterwards and wanted to give me their numbers, which I gather is part of the programme, but I didn't feel quite ready to take numbers just yet and I will look into doing this next week.

I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into here but I will just speak about my experience of it. I am still getting to grips with the idea of SLA, somethings rang true with me and others didn't. I think the feeling of being empty and without substance is one I relate to, which is undoubtedly part of my depression. I think also have blurred boundaries and having a need to put those in place is something that strikes with me, as well as regular use of pornography and using pornography to change the mood I'm in. I use it often use it a way that is functional - to alleviate my mood, to sleep or to escape. My partner also uses it for the same reasons.

I realise this is part of these types of programmes but I have to say the religious aspect of it all really grated with me. I am agnostic, if not atheist. In that I can't prove the existence/non-existence of God but to me I have no faith in a God or Gods but I am sympathetic towards spirituality, as well as being fascinated and appreciative of religion. However, my major gripe with my experience of Christianity is the submission to a higher power. I know I need assistance, I need help and I need support but I need that from people who are here right now. I understand for some people it has importance and has helped them but it really doesn't work for me.

I will be attending another meeting this week and I hope to make progress. I have therapy on Wednesday.

Once again, thanks to those on this thread that have responded and been supportive.

[void87]

Hi subjectiveobjective,

That is good advice. She has been willing to stop drinking while I do too. I now have done two days without booze, which is fairly normal for me but I know I have some challenges ahead this week, mainly being a concert I'm playing on Saturday that will celebrate the release of a new record I have. I will have to stay strong! I also have band practise and a radio slot, which have always been times when I've drank 3 - 4 cans.

My partner is a regular user of cannabis (usually 2 joints a day) and has expressed to me she wants to cut down. She also has depression and doesn't think the cannabis is helping, which I agree with but I want her to do it on her terms and when she's ready to make changes.

In regards to our relationship, we have spoke a lot yesterday and of course it was difficult. She explained a lot to me about past experiences and my behaviour and I was able to respond calmly and without anger during those. I told her at times that I was feeling angry or starting to feel angry as a response to some of the situation. We we're still talking until 1:30am yesterday and I wanted to bring the conversation to a close as it was late and to be honest I was mentally and physically exhausted and I knew she had work the next day. She has expressed that she is still finding it difficult to trust what I say and is not sure if she wants to be in contact with me. I have told her I respect this but I am willing to talk if she wants to.

Sorry, I have said absolutley loads here!