Long time listener first time poster

[Leadfoot]

First I would like to thank Paul for what he does.. There are times he has pulled me through a week I don't know if I'd have made it otherwise just by listening to his honesty on having a funk

I struggle with depression and anxiety.. I'm on effexor 450mg a day.. Enough to keep an elephant content from what I read.. It saved my life when I started taking it (it was the 7th med I had tried) but it doesn't seem to be working properly any more ..

I'll come right out and say that pretty much since before my teenage years I have wanted to die.. There have been times where that has gone away for a few months at a time or perhaps a bit longer.. I could even say that I was content at times.. But it always seems to slip through my fingers sooner or later.. And deep down I can say I never saw myself becoming an old man.. I always figured I could tolerate life while I was able bodied and then rather than riding out old age I'd cut to the chase... That I thought that was some sort of comfort knowing if it got worse there was an exit strategy so to speak.. I dont know why i have always felt this way.. my parents were good to me.. i was sick as a child and had to have surgery.. my mum has told me i cried a lot as a baby as i was in pain before we were able to diagnose the issues and get surgery.. i honestly cant remember that far back as i was so young.. its the only trauma i could say i was exposed to early in life..
My brother is diagnosed with aspergers.. He has been a real trial for my parents.. He still lives at home and has never really worked.. I think as I got a little older and started to struggle with what was the start of my depression I saw my parents at their wit's end dealing with my brother so maybe I decided just to keep it to myself It wasn't a conscious decision.. There were times when I just lost my shit about everything like when I was in high school and going to an all boys public school in a bit of a bad neighbourhood.. I was probably the biggest kid in my grade so seemed to have a target on my back.. I was very passive and got picked on a lot.. I ended up getting into some fights and it just kept getting worse.. I broke down about it all and my mum moved me to a private school and it helped me a lot.. It was probably one of the times I managed to float along content for a while.. By the time I was 17
I used to sleep as much as I could.. My grades suffered towards the end of the high school.. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go to university with my state of mind so went straight into the workforce. I need to say that I feel my parents did a good job.. I probably should have seeked help.. I should have done a lot of things is probably a safe statement..

I took up smoking as soon as I was able to buy smokes... And quickly went to the strongest ones I could purchase.. I consciously did this because I knew that it would shorten my life.. Not for any other reason.. I figured the more tar and chemicals from the stronger smokes would kill me faster so that's why I chose them...I would have my little moments where life was bearable and consider quitting the smokes.. But my mood always seemed to turn dark again so it didn't happen..
Eventually I seemed to find a sweet spot in life with good people around me and life seemed OK for a longer period of time.. I quit smoking and my mate introduced me to a girl..

She was great, she had a little weekender and rode horses.. I got to be in nature and around these animals that seem to be able to see straight through you into your soul.. Looking back at it this was probably the time in my life I felt the most centred.. Things were going well..

Eventually she fell pregnant with our son.. I can remember my first feeling about it all was that my peace was going to be broken again.. And that I no longer had the choice of ending it all later in life.. I now had obligations.. I did my best to push the shadows back during this time.

Family seemed to do everything but help with how I felt they became a source of huge stress to me.. My mother felt as if she was not going to be involved with her grandchild's life as much as she wanted and she began to be pushy with me. It took a great toll on me.. At this time we were getting married.. I was very happy with my relationship with my soon to be wife.. But I constantly felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.. I hate conflict and there just felt like all I had in my life was conflict.. My parents trying to push boundaries.. This got worse as we got married, and moved into our own place.. My mother dropping round to visit and my wife hiding in the bedroom not wanting to talk to her.. Me in the middle again.. I didn't feel any support from my wife in this.. She felt it was my responsibility to deal with my side of the family..

I can honestly say that by the time our son arrived I was in the middle of a depression again.. It went unnoticed by everyone with all the excitement and activity surrounding a new addition to the family. More pressure from my parents for visits and such.. Me playing UN peace negotiator in the middle.. I honestly don't think I enjoyed anything about that time... And I feel like a bad father for it..

Working evenings I was able to be a stay at home dad for the most part.. I had to tell everyone how magical and wonderful it was to have a child etc.. Those are the things people expect you to say.. I was hoping that if I kept saying that I would start to believe it myself..

We ended up saving for our own place and purchased it just before our daughter cam along..

Life has very slowly spiraled out of control since then.. It was probably another 2 years before I started seeing doctors about anti depressents and then moved to psychiatrist for meds and saw a psychologist for talk therapy.. The meds (eventually) made me feel better but talk therapy always made me worse.. Maybe they weren't a good fit with me.. Who knows..

All around this time there seemed to be distance happening between me and my wife.. It feels like we are just room-mates co existing.. It's been this way for 3 years and I don't think it will ever improve..

Some things I don't know if it's the depression or it's my bad relationship.. Being married with children feels like the death of a thousand cuts.. The little things.. Wanting to give your children some treats (or an activity or whatever) and being told that you shouldn't and it's a bad idea... Only to have the wife change her mind and give the treats to the children herself.. Or being undermined on discipline things.. Or having the wife passive aggressively mention things around the kids because they will repeat it to me.. "why didn't you empty the dishwasher dad.." I need a better example but it's all I can remember with my blurry mind..

As of right now I believe strongly that my marriage is all but over.. It may take another 10 years to actually get there... I have zero plans for after that.. I literally am over the struggles of it all.. I honestly believe I am doing more harm than good with my children.. I care about them very much.. I read articles about how messed up people get about a parents suicide.. It's the only thing that has stopped me from ending it so far.. If there weren't any consequences I would have already done it.. I'm sick of my aching bones.. I'm sick of my feet feeling like they are made of lead.. I'm sick of the migraines I seem to get whenever I'm down in my depression hole... I'm nowhere near an old man but I feel old.. I feel like I have lived long enough

[oak]

Welcome. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you did.

You are certainly are dealing with many burdens. I am glad you have chosen to live.

And yes, aren't horses magnificent creatures? I am not "an animal person" per se, but I am astounded by their warmth and smarts. They truly can see us.

I look forward to your posts with interests. Take care.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum.
Paul has helped me through some tough times too. I've struggled with depression and suicidal ideation throughout my life as well. I'm sorry that your marriage is not in good shape. I'm sure raising kids is extremely stressful. I know I could never be a father. It sounds like you are doing your best. Keep moving forward.

[Venuslove106]

Hello and I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I hope you can find a way to reach some peace. If you aren't feeling helped or encouraged by your therapist, it may be that therapist isn't a good fit for you. You can certainly seek a new one who is a better fit to help you more.