Hello everyone.

[andrewfetter]

New to the show and the forum.
My name is Andrew, I'm from Indiana. I was recently (during the last week) diagnosed as having mixed anxiety depressive disorder. It's something I've struggled with for a number of years but only recently decided I needed to actually seek help. I am in the process of finding a therapist in my area. I'm pretty fortunate because my employer provided benefits covers five therapy sessions. Cost has always been a factor in how (or if) I seek medical help for any issues I have. I've had epilepsy for most of my life and didn't really seek help for that until I was in my early 30s. My seizures are pretty mild and are managed pretty well by medication. Stress and exhaustion can be huge and I work a shift that makes sleep a constant struggle. On top of that, stress and exhaustion also increases my anxiety attacks because when I'm tired, rationality goes out the window. I've been married for almost 15 years we and have two kids (one biological and one foster that we are probably a month or two away from adopting). My biological son has generalized anxiety disorder as well and is in therapy/takes medication. My marriage has been negatively affected by my condition and things have not been great between us recently, to the point where our future is uncertain. My wife is a great person and I do love her, but she does sometimes lack empathy for what I'm going through. She gets easily frustrated with me and when I'm having a panic attack that I'm "freaking out" and just need to stop. I try to explain that it's not that easy and she just shuts down. I've been told constantly that it's important to have a support system at home and I feel like I don't have it. I feel like I have to hide what I'm feeling and eventually I get so angry that I do "freak out" or snap at her or my kids. I'm not blaming her or making excuses for what I do, but when I don't feel supported I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling. She has said more than once that it feels like she has 3 kids not 2, which I'll admit is sometimes fair. I can't always process my emotions very well, but part of that is influenced by the issues I have expressing my thoughts. It's hard to deal with because the adoption of our foster child is not yet finalized, and I'm afraid that if we split up before then, he'll get put back in the foster care system and his entire life would be ruined. He's been through so much in his life before living with us and he's made so much progress emotionally and behaviorally, and we don't want to jeopardize that. Recently, I caught her messaging some other guy on Facebook and confronted her about that. She told me that nothing actually happened and I believe her. She has a tendency to be very blunt about things and would most likely tell me straight out if something actually did happen. She also told me she would stop talking to this guy, but that is one instance where I don't really trust her. She told me that she hasn't been happy for a number of years and doesn't see things changing. She wants to stay together until the kids are a little older then at some point we'll most likely get divorced. It kills me that she already has it in mind that our marriage will end, she just doesn't know when. I mean, imagine hearing that when you are already prone to panic attacks, especially about things that are uncertain and that have a big impact on your life. I told her that I love her and I want to work things out, but I can't live like that. I can't stay with someone who basically doesn't love me anymore and who is waiting until a convenient time (for her) to end things rather than do it now. And I see her point to a certain degree, but at the same time I feel like we're hurting each other and possibly the kids by trying to hold a marriage together by a thread when we both know it's short term and we'll just resent each other more and more. Her parents are like that and they're religious so they won't get divorced. My wife doesn't want to end up like them and I don't either. But I don't know if splitting up right after the adoption is finalized is a good time either. He's been living with us since last May so he's used to being with us, but I feel like there will still be an adjustment period because it will finally be permanent. We don't know how he'll react to that or what it could do to him. So in a sense I feel stuck. I have to stay with someone who isn't supportive of the issues I'm dealing with and who doesn't see us staying together long term. And if I leave it's my fault because it could mess up our kids' lives. I'm hoping that therapy will help my process these feelings a little and maybe get some perspective on how to handle all of this.
Sorry for the long-winded (worded) introduction. I'm hoping to contribute to conversations to help understand the condition I'm struggling with as well as others.

Thanks!

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for posting.

I like how you are taking action, particularly with the employer-provided benefits.

I encourage you to, if you haven't already, avail yourself of all the EAP benefits.

I also encourage you, kindly, to really take a hard look at adopting another child. Your home life seems pretty precarious, and it sounds like you have plenty on your plate as it is.

Whatever happens, hang in there.

[andrewfetter]

Oh yes we have already decided that no matter what happens we will not be fostering more kids. We're too unstable at this point and would not be a good environment for kids who are already in bad living situations. Yeah I told a coworker that I'm close friends what I'm going through and I don't think more than 10 seconds passed before he informed me of the free sessions. That was a huge motivating factor for me. In the first years of our marriage one or both of us didn't have health insurance, so I'm used to not being able to address issues that I have because I can't afford it. Now I have no excuse.

[_mlmlmlm_]

Welcome!

I also used EAP benefits and they were such a relief! It's a great way to get started. And don't hesitate to ask your therapist about reduced-cost sessions after your benefits expire.