Advice needed

[Southcarolina76]

So I have been married for about 13 years and over the past few years my wife has become mentally ill. She rarely gets out of bed, is perpetually "sick" and has withdrawn from life. She goes 2 days per week 2 hours away for serious mental treatments which have cost a lot of money and has yielded no results. We have a 4 year old at home and she "takes care" of her during the day and now my 9 year old is out of school and will be home during the day as well while I work. She has moved into my 4 year olds bedroom and lives like a slob. I routinely go in there and clean up trash and mounds of cups, glasses, and bowls. In many ways its raising a 3rd child. I have started drinking about 5 days per week to cope. Not black out drunk, but 2-3 drinks a day so I can face my homelife after work. My kids love their mom, as kids do, but she isn't equipped to be a parent right now, and im probably not the best role model at the moment either. I love my children more than anything, I am their teacher, parent, and entertainer. My wife literally does nothing physically or emotionally with the kids. I have lost all feelings towards my wife. I feel stuck. Filing for divorce and trying to get full custody of the kids until she gets her life straight seems unrealistic. Move out? Im so torn, saddened, and confused by the whole situation.

On Friday she was committed and it sounds like she may be there for 3 weeks and will be undergoing more aggressive brain stimulation. For her sake and our kids, I'm hopeful. This is tough on everyone.

[oak]

First up, thanks for sharing.

That is a really tough situation.

Maybe you can use that three weeks as something of a breather.

[ncj]

I'm glad you posted and glad you are here. It sounds like you are handling so much right now, wearing so many hats - that must be exhausting. I hope your wife's hospitalization yields good things.

When my kids were smaller, I used a local Parents' Day Out program and/or our YMCA during the summer - it was a low-cost way for the kids to get out and play with other kids/kind adults, and I was able to sneak some time to myself before I blew. Do you have access to anything like this? Perhaps a trustworthy teen in the neighborhood who could come play board games, etc. with the kids for an hour? Nowadays you can also order groceries online and have them delivered (often for free, if you order a certain $ amount), if that would provide some relief. I'm just trying to plant seeds for ways you can create space and breathing room for yourself/take care of yourself during this time.

Wishing you the best,

nj

[ncj]

You and your kids are on my mind, so I had to add a couple more thoughts . . .

One piece of advice would be not to make any major decisions right now, since there is already so much going on. It sounds like you have valid concerns about your marriage, etc., but right now your wife is safe and receiving help, so this might be a good time to establish some relaxed/fun "rituals" with your kids. Going to the library a couple of evenings? Movie & popcorn night? Taco Tuesdays? My kids' dad has always traveled, we don't have family nearby, and I have dealt with bouts of depression for years. I knew early on that I wanted my kids to enjoy being kids, yet there were times I just couldn't full-on entertain them, etc. Taking advantage of programs at the library, coloring, doing movie nights or even turning on music/dumping out a bin of Legos and having a building hour . . . these things enabled me to be a parent and still take care of myself, if that makes sense. Maybe you and your kids can find some of these activities to enjoy together - if your wife is able to participate when she returns, that's great, but you can still do these things w/ your kids and they will remember that.

Also, could this be a time when you could attempt to drink less? At one point, I realized drinking had become way more medication than celebration - I am always concerned about money, so I took the $$ I wasn't spending on wine and saved it in a can. I replaced the alcohol with ice cream & hot tea; not perfect, but I sure did sleep and feel better the next day.

Okay, I'll shut up now! Hugs,

nj

[Southcarolina76]

thank you for the responses and advice. I have not shared much of these challenges with anyone outside of my parents so having this outlet means a lot. My older daughter (9) has been on a 2 day sleepover which has been awesome for her. She is at that age where friendship is important and she is starting to become her own little person. I spent all day today with my 4 year old running errands but also riding bikes, digging in the dirt, and playing outside. As I write this I also had 3 glasses of wine as the day winds down. I spoke to my wife today at the hospital. It sounds like a prison, maybe not in conditions, but in a way of life. Everything has been stripped away, caffeine, nicotine, her cell phone, and any pride that may have been left in her. She is totally raw, a little scared, and a lot overwhelmed. I can only encourage her at this point. I found myself not caring for her lately, but today while speaking to her I found myself caring deeply. I was rooting for her, I was motivating her, I was encouraging her to fight, if not for her, then for her 2 awesome girls who just want a mom. A mom that teaches them to get off the mat, fight through adversity and be strong. Today was awesome, scary, and just another day.

Thanks for your understanding and support.

[Beany Boo]

You need a hobby.

Something inexpensive that you can do from home. It can involve the kids but it's not for them. You can pick it up at a moment's notice and there's some progressive skill development involved. Consider a hobby like your sobriety, children's welfare, wife's healthcare all depend on it. There will be a lot of fallout from this crisis you're going through. To a large degree it's going to be about how your children recover, as your family, long term. You're kids are going to have profound memories of you at or from home, enjoying a pursuit that they can be involved in but which is really about observing their father being engaged in something where they can see genuine enjoyment on his face. Pursue a hobby.

[richardsalvo]

My advice for you Carolina is that just relax and follow what the doctor advice you to do and anything will be alright.