Dad is an Alcoholic and My Brother Thinks I’m Exaggerating

[Karunajunkie]

This post is half introduction, half venting. My apologies if this is posted in the wrong forum. I couldn’t find any thread that was 100% suitable. That being said, away we go:

Last night I dreamt about my mother. She hovered over me in the form of an ethereal goddess. Not quite the form of my true mother, but the very essence of motherhood. A protective goddess, resembling safety and warmth. We were traveling to an unknown place that felt terrifying and abysmal; like an omen of what was to come.

My dad has been in and out of the ER for three weeks now for Afib (Atrial Fibrillation) that has quickly progressed to CHF (Congestive Heart Failure). He has been in the ICU for five days now. Today, I found out that my father is likely experiencing all these symptoms of heart issues, edema, and the seizure he had yesterday because of alcohol withdrawal. As if that omen in my dreams came true, everything dark came crashing down in one, abysmal moment.

How the hell could my dad do this? How could he hide this from me for so long? For two years, possibly even more?! He must be the master of lies. I realize his heart is broken because his wife (my mom) died two years ago from cancer. I try to have compassion. But for fuck’s sake, we are all suffering right now -you, my younger brother, me. How could you have been so blind, so lost? You’re supposed to be the wise one. The aware one. You’re a well sought after Buddhist teacher! People look up to you!

Adding to the weight of this abyss, my brother reinforced my anger after a long conversation where he played off the possibility of my dad being an alcoholic to me “over exaggerating”. Instead, he trusted his cardiologist “friend” who knows nothing of this situation because both him and my brother are across the country and blissfully unaware of the suffering that is happening here, in reality. Neither of them are on the ground fighting this fight. How dare he invalidate my feelings? He knows nothing about this situation! Yes, I understand he needs to cope with this in his own way. Go ahead and push those feelings down if that’s how you chose to cope. But don’t ever tell me how to feel. Especially when you know nothing about what is truly going on. You have the luxury of running away across the country to play family. And to top it off, you say that perhaps the reason why I’m having to take so many calls from people is because I’m sharing this information online? Excuse me for having a support system I reach out to in a different way from your own.

And finally, to my partner: I love you, but your gambling addiction is making it impossible to respect you. If you truly listened to me and felt my pain today, you would understand that right after finding out my dad is a goddamn alcoholic and my brother disregarding *any* feelings toward this situation, that it might not be the best time to go to the casino and feed *your addiction*. I know I’m not one to speak. I’m a recovering addict myself. But at least I would drop my ego for one second to listen to you and not go running off to soothe my anxiety through an unhealthy addiction that causes *both* of us harm. Yes, you can deny it as much as you want, but spending $300-$600 a week on gambling has effected our relationship - and you continue to blame our financial difficulty on me.

So here I am. Alone. Circling thoughts around in my head. Unable to escape them, like a violent whirlpool, heading straight into that aforementioned abyss. It’s easy to immediately blame myself. Did I fuck up by not being cool with my partner going to the casino? Are my feelings of anger and disappointment valid and justified? Am I being dramatic and overreacting? Is there something wrong with me? I feel so very alone and isolated. My dad and brother have disappointed me. My mother is dead. My partner is caught up in his addiction. Most of my friends are alcoholics and what little close and relatively functional friends I did have, I lost due to my past addictions.

All I can think about is getting in my car and driving far, far away - escaping this hell and finding something deservedly healthy.

[oak]

Thank you for posting.

I am sorry you are suffering. You keep using your words.

Keep us posted.

[ItsCool2love]

Don't worry. Life will definitely get better soon...

[bigeekgirl]

Hi Karunajunkie! That is so much on your plate and while it's been a few months since you posted, I wanted to say hello.
I hope things have settled down for you. Like any new convert, I'm going to say, finding a support group might be a good way to "escape" the chaos. You probably know or have heard about it, but I had too for the longest time and thought it was for everyone but me.

[ptronic]

Does your partner give you enough to justify all that they're taking from you?
It sounds like you'd be better off cutting them out

[ss_rhae]

Hello! I know exactly how you feel. There was a time during the period in which my step dad was an alcoholic that my step sister knew I wasn’t okay, asked what was wrong, told me to f*ck off, that she and I both knew that he would never do such a thing, and proceeded to call my mom in which I got in trouble for trying to seek someone to talk to, someone who I should be able to trust. She quickly learned that I was not exaggerating nor lying when she experienced his violent rage for herself about a year later. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are definitely not alone in this.