Easily triggered? Please don't read this.

[Antiqua]

This feels strange, to start a topic to talk about myself when I haven't read the other topics about all of you. Sorry to be so self-centered. I have issues: childhood sexual abuse, only one time but once was too much. I did not deserve that, at 4 years old! My other issues, probably stemming from the first abuse are depression and self harm (I don't want to discuss that). I had nightmares and recurring nightmares in childhood but I am over that now. My biggest issue is anxiety. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and sent me to a therapist and he said I had PTSD. I'm not nor have I ever been in the military. It's just that events in my life have traumatized me.

[Antiqua]

I had written more stuff in my original post but I deleted it. I feel so wounded and not sure if my stuff would hurt other people.

[bigeekgirl]

Antiqua - Welcome, again! Hugs, (if you are okay with that). Thank you for sharing. I know it's hard and scary on multiple levels.

I am so sorry for what you went though. You absolutely did not deserve the sexual abuse or anything that happened after to compound it.

I did want to mention while PTSD is thought of as being a military thing, any trauma can cause it and is becoming more widely understood and diagnosed. There's also complex PTSD which can happen in unstable or dysfunctional upbringings. Essentially, our brains wiring gets messed up from either a single or several big T traumas or a constant need to be vigilant so our normal fight, flight or freeze instincts are exaggerated. I'm in the complex PTSD zone which overlaps with my codependency. I was always "on guard" and my anxiety would only shut off when I'd slide into depression. I'm a freeze instinct which sucks because I can't even think when things get bad.

Okay, I totally didn't mean to go into lecture mode, but, hey, I already typed it.

How's therapy going for you?

[Antiqua]

bigeekgirl - Thanks for the hug. Virtual hugs are cool with me. Yeah, I always was "on guard" and never felt protected enough. I mean my family didn't hate me but we were not the kind of people who hugged every day. I wish that it was that way. I think I raised my kids to be huggers, so at least I did that one right.

I'm still learning about PTSD. I never heard of fight, flight or freeze. Yes, I am in the freeze category. When I get under stress I can't even think. Sometimes people ask me a question and I cannot reply, which makes them annoyed because they want an answer immediately.

I mentioned I am not in therapy in another topic. Sorry, I read the other topic before I saw your post over here. A relative of mine said she knows someone but she has to ask if he/she is taking new clients. Still waiting. lol

[oak]

Thank you for sharing.

That took a lot of courage.

You are on your way.

[Antiqua]

Thank you for sharing. That took a lot of courage. You are on your way.

Oak - Thank you. I'm trying to be more open about my issues here publicly.

[Antiqua]

I have trouble sleeping. I push myself to stay up longer and read one more chapter. Then the time keeps passing and it's way past my bedtime. Hours past my bedtime. I avoid going to sleep because I have issues. Even if I get through the day pretty good, when I go to sleep after 15 minutes or so I wake up with my heart racing. I listen to see if some kind of noise woke me up and there is nothing. It's like my anxiety attacks me when I go to sleep. This causes me to not want to go to bed and I stay up as late as possible.

[bigeekgirl]

Some good reading on complex PTSD - http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTyp ... exPTSD.htm

[rivergirl]

Hi Antiqua,

Welcome to the forum! In my opinion you don't need to worry about triggering us. I think anyone who listens to the podcast has heard, and in some cases experienced, some really dark stuff. To paraphrase one of Paul's guests, Greg Behrendt, we're all fucked up in some bizarrely beautiful way.

The first time I tried to post here, I got a couple of words out and then burst into tears. Now I don't even want to think about how many times I've poured my heart out here without giving it a second thought, and received back the most thoughtful and amazingly kind replies.

So when you feel more comfortable, please post away.

rivergirl

[bigeekgirl]

we're all fucked up in some bizarrely beautiful way.

Ahem.