Hi

[markymark]

Hi

I've been listening to the podcast for a while and finally decided to sign up to the forum. Honestly, my intent was to try and post something about finding someone in my area who feels the same way and wasn't sure how well that would be accepted. I was delighted however to find a sub-forum dedicated to that. My next post will go there.

Short story of my life, school was okay but for what ever reason started hating myself in 8th grade (final grade of primary/elementary school in my area). Throughout high school it didn't get any better. After high school I went to a 3 year college program but dropped out after a year and a half when my mom died from a brain tumour. I was 19 at the time, she was 54. I had started to hate school anyway so I don't think I would have stayed regardless if she passed or not. She had been sick for a year prior to dying. I was in and out of numerous odd jobs before finally landing a job somewhere that I actually wanted to work at, we'll call it JOB A. A year and a half later I went for another job, JOB B, that I thought I wanted, but ended up not wanting. I'm not sure what drove me to go for it, but it wasn't until I was leaving JOB A that I realised how valued I was there. People genuinely told me that I was the best driver they had and I was really easy to talk to and get along with. I'm not sure why I was so blind so it or why them telling me all this didn't change my mind. Maybe I'm just too stubborn, who knows. Anyway, I ended up going for JOB B and as I said, it wasn't what I wanted. I absolutely hated it and I'm wondering if it was because it was just too much of a change. I had a complete emotional and mental break down after only the second day. Before leaving for work I could not clear my head and could not stop crying. It felt horrible and I was at such a loss of what to do. After a week and a half I called them and straight up said "I can't continue, I have mental health issues I need to deal with." I desperately wanted to go back to JOB A but they had hired someone to replace me already. I went and found work relatively quickly at some other place for about a month before JOB A called me and said a spot had opened and they would like to have me back. I am eternally grateful for that and am still working there now. The extreme stress is gone but I still go through every day feeling depressed, sad, lonely and wishing I didn't exist.

TRIGGER WARNING
Very shortly after I left JOB B, I was a complete wreck. I didn't know what I was going to do and this was the thing I had pretty much been "waiting" for to allow me to act on my suicidal thoughts. I had written a suicide note years back that I decided I would revise that day and print out. I also made a will that basically gave everything to my dad. I printed them both out and sat them on my bed. I tried to hang myself like I had practised once before but it didn't work as I thought it would so I stopped, laid down and went to sleep. I woke up later that evening not really feeling any better and for the next week only ate about once every 24 hours.
END WARNING

My dad was on vacation and he called to see how things were with the new job. I was verbally upset and he could tell. I told him I left because I hated it. His response was supportive as it usually was, and included "Well you don't need to be depressed about it or anything, you'll find something that works for you." It was at that point I decided I would tell him how I had been feeling for the past 7 or 8 years and how much I hate myself. He's never known anything as I've never shared it with anyone. He was very supporting and still continues to be. I think he's a bit concerned I don't want to get help, but I've tried meds and do not like them. I'm not sure what else to try.

Anyway, as I said, my hope is to find someone who feels the way I do. I've tried dating sites but everyone on there seems to happy and emotionally involved in things which I am not. Hopefully there is someone out there for me, I don't want to feel so lonely anymore.

Thanks for reading.

[rivergirl]

Welcome, Markymark,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Online dating sites may not be for you, but please don't compare yourself to the profiles too much. Like social media, they don't always reflect the reality of people's lives.

I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. 19 is really young to lose a parent.

You're not alone.

rivergirl

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you are here.