Hello from the depths of S. America

[IntrusiveThoughts94]

Hello everyone, and thanks for such a beautiful space. I started listening to the podcast just recently (I'm a die-hard fan of D. Trussell so I first hear about it by his interview)
And hell, it would have been awesome to be hearing this podcast since quarantine began.

A little about me, it's going to be long, I'll be as open as I can and it probably gonna have some triggers, so, TW (kidnapping, toxic masculinity, CSA):

I'm near my 30's now, and I've been suffering OCD since I was basically a child, just that I didn't know it. I always had intrusive thoughts, regarding sexual things, or people suffering. Fast forward to 2010, I didn't want to touch my brother because I thought it would make horrible things happen in the world, so I had to wash my hands over and over again when I did. I hid this from my family until they found out, and didn't know what to do.
In 2011, I experienced some trauma being robbed/kidnapped in a trip and didn't want to get out of my home, so I spent a whole year inside my house full of fear of something happening again. I used to engage in social media and be a creepy freak edge-lord in the meantime.
After finishing the year, my dad (someone who doesn't support psychiatry) decided that he will send me to one, he drove me there, and with just one session, I was diagnosed with OCD and began treatment with both the psychiatrist and a therapist.
It was the best decision that could have been made, and it was one of the best times for me. I could get out of home, stop being so inside of the internet and enjoy life a little bit more, I engaged in activities such a theatre, stand up, and etc.

At some point, I said, "Meh, I don't need therapy, I can handle this on my own!" and that's when things got fucked up.

And a warning, this isn't justification, this is some context:

I used to hang with people that sucked, that really sucked a lot. They would belittle me and try to show "how awesome" they were abusing their power (Remember the first talk with a stand-up bar owner, saying me how he fucked every comedian and waitress in his bar). I looked up on them, but something inside of me told me that it was wrong. Still, that stuff was getting normalized to me, I repeated smaller patterns, like sexualizing every woman I knew or just not call out things from others that I now know are abuse.

I was in my 17-19 when all this happened, and a thing that was also normalized in my country, were relationships of people 14-19 (and everything in the middle) so in that phase, some of the people with which I dated, were 3 or 4 years youngers than me. And I didn't really know what I was doing, I didn't really know that a harm was being done by me. No one battled an eye when I told this (it wasn't a secret).

With proper time I grew up, met cool people and the feminism movement here started to make an impact, I was starting to feel uneasy about this stuff, and I started to learn stuff about consent and abuse thanks to these movements that, it will sound stupid, but I didn't know a lot of things that were actually abusive. The people around me also started to tell me that those things weren't cool. So I have sticked with that.
I had time to talk with a lot of the people I think I may had done some damage and tell them about this, and be openly willingly to help if needed. Everybody forgave me and said that it wasn't like I think it was, and that no one knew better either.

Everything became a little bit healthier after that, I had good friends, a good GF, I was starting to have goals, started high school (This was in my 20s, I never started high school to begin with, something I should have mentioned before in this post)
At some point my GF left me (we're still friends) but everything went wrong when quarantine began. I started to have a long depression, and looking into all the things I did in my life, I just began to think into my past, and biased by my own obsession, I started comparing myself to pedophiles, groomers, and etc. The outrage in social media wasn't helping me. Wanting to actually receive reassurance of that I was the worst unforgivable pedophile in the world, I even talked to a NA friend, which, gave me that reassurance (I know now, that I'm in treatment again, that I said to her all that I said, the way I said it, and pushed about it, just to find a way to punish myself)

At some point of the year, I followed my ex constant advice, and started therapy. With a bit of hit a miss, I went through two teams, the first helped me a lot to figure a lot of stuff, but I was getting stuck, and now I'm with a team that I'm really happy to be with.
Both enlightened me in that I can always strive to be better, and that I'm living again all these stories with missing parts of it, comparing myself to others, and all that stuff, just as a way to self-punish myself via OCD (Am I this? Check if I am this over and over again) and to not call it Pedophilia because it diminishes the actual issue of it (Both child molestation and clinical Pedophilia).

With therapy I learned that the problem was that I never forgave myself for anything (As I said before, and I kind of learn it now because I didn't remember that, all the people I've reached has forgiven me)
So I'm here, struggling with that part. Struggling with OCD and Anxiety. Most of the time wishing to be dead, and that I don't deserve anything. Waiting from this old NA friend to say publicly that I was a piece of shit in the past and I don't deserve to be forgiven, waiting to someone to say I'm the ultimate evil and just kick me forever until I die. But I keep trying my best.

And ngl, the reason why I posted this long story is in part because I'm prolly looking for someone here to punish myself too

If you came to this point tho, thanks for reading, and thanks for this space.

[oak]

Welcome! Thank you for sharing.

And such a good user name. You are not alone, especially with intrusive thoughts.

I'm glad you got that all out. How are you feeling now? Better, I hope?

[manuel_moe_g]

IntrusiveThoughts94, you don't deserve punishment, you deserve compassion, from others and from yourself.

I have a hard time being self-compassionate to myself, as well. One thing that helps me start is to use the butterfly-hug https://www.google.com/search?q=butterfly+hug

If I start in this position, I can close my eyes and it is easier to be self-compassionate to myself.

All the best, please take care.