First time reaching out

[Allybee7]

Hello, I'm Ally. I've never been sure how to get help or if I deserved it. A lot of people are broken because of what's been done to them, I feel like I am just broken. I don't remember a lot of my life, but I know my childhood was pretty good. My parents are kind, I did good in school, I had friends. I went to college, started work as a nurse, and mid-covid on a travel nursing assignment had my only suicide attempt. I just didn't feel like I could exist anymore. It was so exhausting to exist back then. Long story short, and to the point of what I'm reaching out now, I fell in love a year and a half ago. Deeply and immediately in love. We both got fucked up and had sex. I have herpes which I've always been forward about since I was diagnosed, but in my state of mind I didn't say anything. And then afterward I couldn't bring myself to. Every day I loved him more, every day I knew it would hurt more to hear it, every day I became more afraid. I told him 4 days ago, a year and a half later. He has it too, and he had had symptoms, and even then I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I fucked him up permanently, knowingly. I'm going to go to a therapist for the first time, I'm making an appointment as soon as it's business hours. But no amount of helping myself will help him, he will always have herpes, and he will always have it because of some cruel and selfish girl that he had the misfortune of falling in love with. I don't know what to do, but just typing this out has been a big step for me. I'm so lucky I found this podcast, it's one of multiple things recently which gave me the bravery to be honest. This is the first forum I've been on as well, so I wasn't sure how to navigate it or where to post, but I hope this is fine.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are in a fragile place…

…Hurt people, hurt people… You were in a bad place and you made a big mistake, but you hurt him because inside you were hurting.

At this moment, please be compassionate with yourself.

Keep the lines on communication open, please take care

[oak]

Ally, hi. Thanks for posting.

I’m glad you got that all out. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Good luck with your therapy!

And, if I may disagree with one thing you wrote: you definitely deserve to get help.

[snoringdog]

Hello Ally,

Welcome!. I'm sure it will be tough for a while working thru all this, but post here as much as you need to.

It was so exhausting to exist back then.

Yes, the world seemed like it might end there for a while, and you were on the front lines...

Thank you for being there for the people who needed you. I'm sorry it took such a toll.
(I was checking in daily to a couple of medical and nursing sites on Reddit and damn. Such stress for so many people!).

Hope things are better for you now.

SD

[Allybee7]

Thank you all so much. I have my first ever therapy session Tuesday! In excited and nervous. My emotions literally bounce off the walls since D day, but I know that I am not my emotions which is helpful. I, for the first time in my life, reached out to a friend yesterday and said I could use some help. I never realized I don't ask for help until this all happened and suddenly I'm looking at myself more clearly than ever before. My boyfriend is working through the mountain of confusion and shit I've heaped on his plate and (no matter the outcome for us) is being his amazing and beautiful and aware self. We take each moment and try to stay present, and I focus on empathizing, being honest, and always offering love. If he feels happy I celebrate the moment with him and if he feels sad I hurt with him. I'm in pieces over what I've done and yet, in this moment, I know I get to pick out the pieces I actually like to put myself back together. I loathed the part of myself that did this, and now I can work on acceptance of my mistakes and forgiveness and change, something I couldn't do before. This post sounds awfully upbeat and that's because every other emotion I really do feel decent. I'm grateful it's not all lows and I'm grateful for this decent moment to share. Thank y'all so much for your comments, I read them in the lows.

[oak]

Very well done!

Talking to a therapist, reaching out to a friend, posting here: all good and strong activities.

I also admire that you fully recognize that you face a difficult situation, have responsibility for it, and are working to a solution. Without hyperbole, this puts you in the top 10% of people as far as emotional maturity.

I’ll leave you with this Reddit meme, which I think illustrates your situation well:

https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/a27q9a/open_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Allybee7

As a nurse myself and also working in gynaecology I see a lot of sexual diseases and medical conditions that heavily weigh on patients.

First they get the swabs, awaiting the results and when we inform them the shame curtains fall over their eyes. Especially older patients. The younger patients for some reason have a lack of education here mainly because there is not enough information given out at school like there used to be. It takes a lot of courage for you to type this information and also a lot of ownership. Don’t allow this diagnosis to define you. You both clearly are working through things and the therapist will hopefully give you or both of you tools to move forward with. Management of this is key for both of you, and no blaming. The emotional high of “love” or “lust” lead many to do things you wouldn’t normally do. The lack of second thoughts gets overwritten by the dopamine and before you know it you’re looking back at a period of time that you were taken over by emotions and hold a level of regret. What is beautiful about this is you have the ability to feel this emotion about another person. Some people don’t have that ability and some never get a chance too. So roll with this and play it safe, talk about things, manage symptoms and keep an open mind policy between you two as clearly your luckier than you think.