Fit yet not healthy

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, i will dedicate this to you as your show keen interest in the preparation i have to go through for a race when battling some interesting mind f*#!S

There needs to be some back story for this to make sence, and there is a large element of shame that flows through this.

I was never a runner, never out to run long hours, nor run in group settings. I was the kid at school who tried her best to fade into the background and not be noticed. I would even go so far as to forge notes saying i didn't have to do sport. I avoided people then in a similar way to what i do now. Hide!

My body became prepared for running in January 2008. Six weeks after the disturbing death of my mother. I literally sold everything, packed the car and sold the house. We moved to the South Island to get as far away as possible. There in the back of the city of Dunedin i found the Silver Peaks. I starting climbing there as i was doing here in New Plymouth. I felt an urge to grieve in a way i can only explain as a propulsion forwards with the body and soul. I started jogging the hills, i could go deeper into the hills that way. Soon the mind changed little by little. I was feeling stronger, more able and more alive. A light went on. Now when i don't run the light fades and so do i.

I won't bore you with years since then, there has been mental battles and many more harmful than helpful. The negative self talk through injury or fatigue, disease and sickness. The words spoken to me as a child fade into a whisper with each step forward.


August 12th 2023, i will run my most public event ever. There will be thousands of people and support grew to join a bounty of runners who want to run on raw volcanic areas of Rotorua.

The training for this run depends on your baseline fitness. After running something such as an ultra we need long periods to recover between races. As my last ultra and marathon was some time ago i started training ten weeks ago. I will begin to taper off in two weeks to allow the body to recover and prep for the speed and mindset of the day of the event. Currently running 70km-120km a week.

Yesterday i ran twice, once in the morning at a fast pace for only 5km. We use this speed run as a marker to determine our average pace and ability to complete a full 10km in around 60min or less. I broke mine down into two segments. My speed run 5km in the morning with a very mindful gate of my fun. Or what we call pace and footing. Then the second run on fatigued legs to try break the mental barrier and help the brain be comfortable with me uncomfortable.

Today is a rest day, meaning strength with upper body and core. I will stretch for 45min this evening before bed. These are the days i don't like. This is where i struggle and the negative self talk flows like water. I don't feel as productive through the day without a morning run, hence why i love an ice bath on these days. It is a new challenge and i can prove to myself i can do hard things. I take back the power yet again.

Ask many runners why they run, many will say freedom and strength. Some will say to control the body, some will say they run for their life. I run for all these reasons and more.

I don't like my body, not many people do unless they have medical procedures to change appearance to look like a doll. Even then they hate something else.
When i was first diagnosed with bowel disease i put all the blame on myself. I was restricting my diet to get to race weight, much like i am now. At times eating became hard. I knew i needed it for fuel, i knew i needed it to repair the damage from the running but my brain just became a war zone. Looking in the mirror now i am not at race weight, i am not where i would like to be. Once upon a time i ran to fade away, not just into the distance but to die. I wanted to fade away into nothing. Life was so hard i had to take it out on myself, all the people i wanted to scream at were dead all before their time.

I carry shame with me Oak, i lost my identity in a way when i was abused, i lost an innocence and a sense of ownership of this body, when i run i feel free. I feel alive, pain is my friend then. I can work with it and make it stop when i slow down or rest. But when i am still there is a pain that seems to vibrate just under the skin that will never stop.

My sleep is full of nightmares, not at bad as they used to be. So when i get up at 4am every morning to run i can clear that overnight terror out of my own mind just briefly.

Tomorrow is a 15km run at a medium speed.

I might be training for a half marathon Oak, but really when it comes down to it, i am running for my life.

Without it i would not be here.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for posting. This is powerful. We are only as sick as our secrets, so you are healthier for posting this.

While I look forward to more posts of yours here soon, in the meantime, a few thoughts I can offer:

I am surprised at how similar our stories are, even though we're across the globe:

Insane people used our bodies, our precious bodies, as punching bags, to work out their insane evil. I heartily condemn them!

I am glad you took a chance, years later, relocating, and found healing by running on the mountains.

At the risk of being woo-woo, I find it sublime that your upcoming course is on an active volcano: like dreams, the lessons are so subtle and powerful and clear. Nature is so generous in giving us lessons.

What I'm getting at: the earth renews itself through fire (lava), and crushing and subsuming the old and brittle earth. The old has to be consumed with fire. That old crumbling earth is pulled down, where it is superheated, then cycled again through tomorrow's volcanic action.

I'm not sure if I'm being clear, but the only thing stopping the earth from being all dusty and useless crumbles is that heat and pressure constantly are re-creating itself. Just like the fire and pressure of troubles in this life, and in a smaller scale our dreams. Endlessly re-cycling.

As you said, Mental Fairy, our abusers alienated us from our bodies. While it sucks that each of us needed chronic conditions (bowel disease and sleep apnea, respectively), I am glad that we both were reconnected with our bodies through running, ice baths, barre, and kettlebell.

Please, by all means, continue to post about both the mental and physical aspects of your preparations. And keep in mind the many lessons the volcano can teach you.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, thank you. I did read your post last night and became so comforted in your words. I never thought of the run in such a way. I am hoping this will help me push past this fear of being in public spaces.

The run today was faster due to nightmare and mindset. It is raining heavy here so i was in my element. It is beautiful to run in the rain, something so refreshing and beautiful about it.
My negative thoughts crept back in last night over dinner and only managed a salad. Today i have a hot thermos of coffee at my desk and a large amount of water!

[oak]

Oak, thank you. I did read your post last night and became so comforted in your words. I never thought of the run in such a way. I am hoping this will help me push past this fear of being in public spaces.

1. Here in America we have a type of soap called “Lava”. The grit is useful for the toughest dirt.

2. We use pumice stones to remove dead skin from our feet.

Said another way: the change and creation caused by a volcano is sudden, hot, and unpredictable. It is also the main way to create new habitable land to live in. It is gritty, and the grit cleanses.

Said a third way: I hope you commune with your volcano during this race. I’m sure the original inhabitants of what we call NZ took this volcano seriously. Please heed their fine example.

I think this volcano experience can be powerful for you. But remember that volcanos (and change!) and sudden and violent places to the established and once-stable.

In addition to this moral/spiritual growth, I am also interested in the nuts and bolts of your prep and race itself: particularly hydration, but also shoes, socks, sunscreen, and Strava. Keep us posted!

And feel free to take or leave this, but my two cents is that lentils could play an important part of your race prep.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

After years of wearing Asics running shoes, which i did like, i changed over to Brooks about five years ago. Currently running in Books Glycerin 20 shoes, i don't like the ghost version they have. I did get through about six pairs of Glycerin 19 shoes and they were great. I have a little bit of a wide foot and i am neural footed on ground placement. So great coverage.

I do use compression socks to knees on long runs and post run. Socks have to have good cushioning, there must be a nice ankle highness and not a pair that will move downwards. Tight compression running leggings help also. I don't like tying stuff around my waist but if it is really going to rain i will wear wet weather running jacket, very very light Nike jacket with a longer length at the back to roll the water away from the legs a bit. Always have a buff on me. Buff is my go too. I have it around my neck on cold days and roll it up and use it as a headband if the sweat kicks in. Keeps my ears protected. Something about a buff! Can't leave home without one.

Hydration is a big factor, as i run very early morning. I do wake a lot and make sure i drink water through the night. On an off day i still do this. Post run i have a portion of protein such as eggs or chicken to help boost my body recovery. Liquids are all basic with electrolytes post run, on a long run i carry fluids on a vest. Every day i drink 1 litre of water. If i have run in the morning i double that. One with electrolytes and one without.

The night before my food is very strategic and a battle also. I take in carbs, i eat pasta and adore a good mac and cheese if made right and the tummy allows it. Sushi, sushi, sushi, poke bowls are my fav at the moment, i crave poke bowls.

Post a long run i will poach eggs and put on some toast with a little bit of salmon.

Peanut butter is something i go through a lot of. I have peanut butter on toast an hour prior to a very very long run. If i am just going to do say 10km-15km i won't carry anything on me. If i go over and above 15km then i take a hydration pack, one side is filled with water with electrolytes and the other side plain water.

Chocolate Milk.........big fan post run. One good sized cup of chocolate milk.

I do tend to jump into ice after the 10km+ runs. Not all the time, depends on what the plan for the day is. I lay on the yoga mat, bring forth the great feeling of a run and slow the body down. I listen to it. I stretch it, i meditate and just enjoy the feeling of doing a hard thing.

Then there is the battle with how i went, good run or bad run. I am learning to drown out most of the shit!

I am not a lollie fan. I don't like sweets as such. I do for some reason crave a biscuit here called squiggles. They are the best. Honey comb and chocolate. I have two packets hidden somewhere in the depths of my pantry.

I have a polar watch, i used to upload all my stats and watch things with such intrigue. However, this has a big drawback for me. I am very self critical, i would see my stats and immediately make unhealthy choices and try get lighter, faster and damage myself in the process. I had to strip myself back and remove this so i could zero in on the authentic way of running, i needed to listen to the body and not the numbers. I am not doing it to become anything great, i am doing it to help my own headspace. The numbers got to me, when it came up and said one day ELITE i was over the moon, what comes next i wonder......I had to stop. I am however looking at a new watch! i just need to try focus on the earth's time and not the stats!

No coffee before a run, it dehydrates and caused a horrible hitting the wall moment about thirty minutes into run. Plus risk of shitting ones self!
I use a sunscreen called Neutrogena Ultra Sheer dry touch SPF50+. Our sun is brutal here. Burn like a biscuit me!

The nuts and bolts start with the feet. Once and only once they are comfortable then clothing, then the mindset. The rest comes down to what your body likes and doesn't like under pressure. A lady i know who is in her 60's and still running marathons drinks a can of fizzy pepsi or coke after every race. She is a pharmacist and absolutely hates the stuff. But it settles her stomach and stops her throwing up after a race.

Oh and i brush my teeth and mouth wash before i leave every single time, i don't know why. Even my afternoon run the other day on the trail, i have a toothbrush and mouthwash in the car!!!

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy. It sounds like you have a clear, comprehensive plan for a structure for your running.

While I am not a huge fan of the film “Forrest Gump”, I did learn that socks are important: clean and dry.

Keep us posted as to this running journey!

Speaking of athletic achievement in NZ, I hope the Women’s World Cup is a good experience for NZ and Aus. They are amazing athletes.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

There has been a rocky start to World Cup here. A young man went into a construction side beside the World Cup complex and fired off a few rounds killing a couple of people. Lots of people selling their tickets and not keen on going to watch.

Madness

[oak]

I am sorry to hear that. I hope things turn around soon. I also hope NZ does well, and (if possible) faces America in the finals.

Speaking of America, I encourage you to carry/use something from America during your upcoming run. Maybe some Gatorade, or listen to a good American podcast. In addition to the excellent MIHH, perhaps you can consider the podcasts Heavyweight or Scamfluencers.

At any rate, I hope your preparations/tapering are going well!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

We have been blown to bits here. South east winds that brought with it frustration. The wind is slowly dying down now, however I slept in the lounge away from the south side of the house. It was an endless night of wind but no rain.

Normally I would have run this morning but I don’t feel comfortable running in 45km winds. There is something about wind that makes everyone grumpy and unsettled.

Will attempt a little 8km run this evening before bed, hydrate overnight and put all the built up energy into a 20km tomorrow morning.

Meanwhile we will be taking a little roads trip today to a local farm around the coast to freshen our supply of eggs, home kill meat for the boys and maybe a sneaky stop at the bread factory.

I agree with the podcasts listening on the run, I have many interesting podcasts currently. Don’t ask me why but I find the complex history of America incredibly fascinating.

[snoringdog]

Don’t ask me why but I find the complex history of America incredibly fascinating.

As we do, New Zealand!