Lawlessness45's Diary

[lawlessness45]

7-3-14

Dear Diary,

I’d either need to go back to walmart or find some other job that pays relatively decently. Options:Ross, Walmart, Safeway, King Soopers? God just writing that makes me cringe. Going back to walmart…ick…but that was one of the better paying jobs I had, sadly enough. And it always seems to come back to money. Money rules the world. But, I get to decide how my story ends. And it doesn’t end with me being at Wal-Mart. I could work there until I find something better. Of course, getting stuck there is more likely. Don’t know why thinking about it causes such anxiety. I think I am just still scared of people. Scared of being treated so poorly. It’s hard to not let that affect your self esteem…geesh….I don’t want to think about this anymore. Here I was feeling great, better than great and I’ve gone and gotten myself all down again just by bringing this up. It’s probably a sign that I’m not ready for this yet. That I can’t view it objectively or remove myself/self worth from it enough to be looking at it.

I think I’m going to try staying here 6 months. Then re-evaluate. That would put me getting back in CO at the end of December, beginning of January. That seems like a long time, but in the grand scheme of things it’s relatively short. A lot of what happens depends on what the Social Security lady says on the 11th of this month. If I can get SSI, that will allow me to work, but not work so much I want to blow my brains out every time I think about it. Gah….lets put that on the back burner for now. But I keep bringing it up. I must just like torturing myself.

Had an interesting night last night. Just…ended up thinking about what happened to me. Even since my dad mentioned it the other day, it’s forced me to kinda admit it’s still there and I’m not over it. I mean, it’s only been 2 months since I admitted what happened to me was abuse. My parents are dealing with it in their own way. I trust them to figure it out for themselves and come to terms with it. They can do it. I didn’t think they could at first. But now I recognize that they are fully capable of dealing with that kind of information. Even more so because they experienced it themselves. Fucked up how that happens, isn’t it? I was totally shocked to find that out. Almost wish my mother had talked to me about it when I was younger. Maybe I would’ve remembered more of what occurred sooner. And I wouldn’t have been so absolutely terrified to tell my parents what happened. Not when I was a kid, but as an adult. I didn’t start to remember things until 2-6 months ago anyway. But, I was so…shaken up about the whole thing. So terrified that I wouldn’t be believed, that it would hurt her/them so badly. I wanted to spare her/them that pain. Both of them that pain. But the truth is out, and they have survived.

I feel good today. And for the last 3 days, I’ve felt normal. Big word for me. Normal. I have energy, don’t want to sleep all day and am getting things accomplished. Little things, like making phone calls, but they are accomplishments none the less. I even read a book this morning. I haven’t read for pleasure in nearly 2 years. But I was able to sit down at breakfast and read. My brain was quite enough to let me read. And I even followed everything that was written and said. I’m ridiculously excited about that. That is just one more sign that I’m starting to feel better. That I’m coming back. I started taking one of my meds at night and my doctor upped my abilify and I think that combination has helped tremendously. That and the fact that I’m not trying to ignore my life and everything in my life. It’s more like I’m trying to live my life, instead of just sitting in it, passive. I’m not running around frantic, but I’m not just sitting anymore either. It’s more like a really slow walk. But it’s something.

I had an interesting thought last night. It was as I was writing. I was kinda angst ridden at first, just with remembering. But, then I wrote this, in a sort of free form write until you stop type thing:
Barbed wire. Tight against the soul. A boa constriction stealing all breath, all life from this hollow frame. Hollow no more. Claiming what is mine. Rising from the mud and ashes. Reborn. Perhaps? Yes, reborn! Reborn in the body of a Hero. A Hero. With galaxies in her hand, trembling her wake. Galaxies defended and put right with her courage. I am her. I am the galaxies. I am chaos, ordered once more. I am who and I am. A hero. A saint. A masterpiece. A masterpiece. Lines of vibrancy outline my frame, and glories my mind. For I am healed and healing. A broken vessel no more. But a liquid. Fluid as the sun and moon and stars. Fluid, like peace and war, ever changing but desperately constant. I am the hero of my own story. I AM the HERO.

And I’ve been saying that to myself ever since. I am the hero of my own story. Silly little line, but it awoke in me images of knights and soldiers, defending a kingdom, soldiers defending humanity from the overwhelming force of an alien invasion. I am my own hero. If I can just keep this in mind on the days where I feel more like the villain, I I can make it through. I get to decide how the story goes and where it ends. I may not get to pick the setting, characters, or conflict, but I get to decide the hero’s actions. I want them to be worthy of story and song, worthy of the hero herself. I can’t let her down. Not when she’s come this far.
Lawlessness45

[manuel_moe_g]

My favorite parts of your post

I even read a book this morning. I haven’t read for pleasure in nearly 2 years. But I was able to sit down at breakfast and read.

I am the hero of my own story. I AM the HERO.

Totally awesome!

[lawlessness45]

7-28-14
Dear Diary,
Last night was rough. I don’t know what else to say other than that. I’ve been pushing so hard against dealing with all of this. Even now when I have the time. I just don’t want to feel it. Don’t want to deal with it. Well, its catching up to me, and I feel like I’m drowning. Last night was one of those nights I was afraid to turn off the lights. One of those nights I dreaded sleep because I felt so…vulnerable, exposed, scared. Like it was happening or coming back all over again. The light streaming from my bed room door, in slanted lines, struck a strange chord, and all I could think was “push away, don’t think, don’t think, don’t think.” Don’t think about it. That’s my mantra. The only place where it’s safe to think about it is in the therapy room. But I’ve been having so much trouble finding a therapist here that I haven’t had a real session in nearly 2 months and trying to “hold on” can be excruciating. Especially when things like this come up. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling this way, but now that I think about it, my dad mentioned him the other day, in passing. I felt my stomach lurch, and changed the subject as soon as possible. We weren’t even talking about what happened. But just mentioning him has sent me into a tailspin that has lasted all day yesterday and most of this morning. I’m starting to feel a little better now that I can identify where this originated from. But, I don’t want my life to be ruled by this man anymore. And I’m still waiting. Its ridiculous. Now, when I have time, I have to wait for things to improve, for a therapist to clear their schedule. I’m just tired. Tired of being who I am, tired of feeling like this, and tired of waiting.

Lawlessness45

[manuel_moe_g]

You don't deserve this pain and this painful waiting. Please take care, we are cheering for you.

[lawlessness45]

8-4-14

Dear Diary,

Well, I said I was tired of waiting. Guess I got my wish answered. The therapist I just started with jumped right into emdr. It was a bit of a shock. She doesn’t waste time I guess. Don’t know what else to think about that particular aspect of my life. I’m trying to find things to do with my time.
Today was a…interesting day. I spent half the day a nervous wreck about my therapy appointment and the other half relieved it went well. As well as someone springing EMDR on you can go at least. I don’t know what to think about this, so I shall just not think about it at all.
I’m going to visit my brother the 15th. I hope that they will see the change and progress I’ve made. I hope things are ok between us. I’m think they will be. I don’t know for sure though. I’ve put them through a lot.

My mother has been bugging me about getting more involved in volunteering or just something to take up my time. I know she is doing it because she is worried about me having so much free time. She dosen’t want me to fall back into depression, which I totally get. But sometimes, I just want to say, “OMG mom….just stop. I’ll do it when I’m ready, ok? Geesh.” Maybe I should say that. It would make me feel better. And would probably motivate me more too. I was pretty motivated today though. I found some groups that might be helpful. I just need to email the facilitator. I can do that this week.
I find myself wanting to sleep a lot. Not because I’m tired but because it makes the day go by faster. I fight against that urge, knowing that if I give into it I am usually depressed when I wake up. Also, I think my mother worries about me when I do that. But some days, it would just be glorious to get up, eat breakfast, and go right back to bed for the rest of the day. I usually wake up about 7. But instead of getting up, like I should, I go back to sleep till 9. Then I spend an hour just laying in bed dreading the coming day. I just have nothing to look forward to. I think that is a lot of my problem. You can only watch so many movies or play so many games or wash so many dishes before you realize you are doing nothing productive with your time. I need to just get up when I first wake up. I’m much happier when I do that. I feel more…refreshed and less suckie. Probably because I don’t ruminate as much. But more time awake means more time I’ve got to kill...

I need to be working on me. But working on me is such hard work I just keep avoiding it. Gah. What a mess. Like, I have a work book I could be working through but I avoid it like the plague. Guess I should give it a whirl tomorrow and see how it goes. Maybe I’ll gain some new insight or something. And maybe I can talk to my therapist about what I can be doing between sessions. If I take myself as seriously as I took my school work I could get a lot worked out, I think. I also need to work on my relationships with my family. I’ve jacked up my relationship with my brother and sister in law pretty bad. I just don’t know how to go about fixing it. I just want to be ok with them. Guess we’ll see what happens in this visit. Maybe we will be ok. Who knows.
Anyway, not really much else to say, which is surprising because I’m usually verbose as fuck. Peace out everyone. Hope you are doing ok.
Lawlessness45

[lawlessness45]

Dear Diary,
Ok, so I’m going back to my home state for a visit tomorrow. I’m terribly nervous for some reason. I’ve printed out the boarding pass, packed up all my things, except for what I’m wearing tomorrow, and am generally pretty prepared. I just have this strange feeling that my luggage is going to get lost or something else terrible. Maybe it’s just my over active brain freaking out. Even though it has no real reason to freak out. Of course, I have been gone 3 months. My life is very different living with my parents than it was there. I’ve just gotten over being homesick, and now I’m going to go back and rekindle that? It kind of sucks. But it will be interesting to see how I’ve respond to being there. I was so miserable. But now that I’m not there I just keep thinking, “I just need to go back and try again, and this time everything will be better,”. Realistically that isn’t the case. I know it isn’t. I’ll just go back to struggling to survive. Struggling to eek out an existence. And that kinda scares me. I don’t feel the terrible dread about it that I previously felt. (Like a mere month ago, the thought made me panic). I just don’t want to go back to that life. If the disability would come through…God that would help so much. That would make living doable. But I have a terrible feeling that I’m going to get denied. And if I get denied it will be so easy to give up. Even though I’ve told myself, “I’m going to fight until I get what I need.” The idea of having to go to court and all that is just terrible. Is it more terrible than going back to my crappy existence? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but the idea of having to convince a judge of why I, an “able bodied 27 year old”, can’t work scares the living crap out of me. I just know they are going to look at me and say,” you are a free loading, lying sack of shit.” Or something along that sentiment. While the truth of the matter is I am the farthest from a free loader that I can get. Well…not right now, because I’m living with my parents. But 2 hospitalizations in 2 months kinda fucks you up a bit. And unless I wanted to continue the cycle of hospitalizations I had to do something drastic. And this is drastic. Quitting my job, moving in with my parents and leaving the state is drastic. I just want to be a normal human being. Really. That’s all…just a normal human being who can handle daily life and problems and bills and stresses without ending up in the hospital. But I can’t do that and it is infuriating and makes me hate myself. What is wrong with me that I can’t handle life? That, when things get tough, all I can think about is how much better it would be if I wasn’t in the picture anymore. But I don’t want to die. I just want things to be different. I just don’t know how to make them different…if the disability would come through, I could make them different…dear god, just let it come through….
Lawlessness45

[manuel_moe_g]

I just want to be a normal human being. Really. That’s all…just a normal human being who can handle daily life and problems and bills and stresses without ending up in the hospital. But I can’t do that and it is infuriating and makes me hate myself. What is wrong with me that I can’t handle life?

You are tender because you feel some things much more strongly than other people. You are tender and you get hurt easily - it is not your fault. Please be self-loving to yourself, and ignore the voice inside that says you don't deserve self-loving and compassion. Small steps and take rest when you need it. Please be self-loving, you contribute so much to this forum, so there is objective evidence of your human worth. All the best, cheers!

[lawlessness45]

Thank you moe. Your encouragement helps greatly. Especially today.

[lawlessness45]

8-18-14
Warning: Thoughts on God

So apparently I’ve become the friend other friends want to convert. It doesn’t offend me or anything; I’ve been on that side of the fence. I know there intentions are pure. It’s just…interesting (?) being on the other side of the equation. And the thing is, they don’t need to convert me. Just at this point in time I choose to not acknowledge god. I just watched a painfully Christian movie titled “God’s Not Dead” with one of my good friends. She suggested it, and I was like, “Why the hell not? It’s a Tuesday afternoon. I’ve got nothing else to do”. It was very predictable and quite boring. I nearly went home a couple times just because it was so dreadfully dull. Having been a Christian for a majority of my life I knew how it was going to unfold, and could predict almost everything that was going to happen. The characters are always so shallow because the message is always the main focus of the film. The only character I found remotely interesting was the atheist protagonist. He at least seemed realistic. A little demonized, of course, but realistic in his emotional display and general acting capabilities. Otherwise I had no emotional investment in the other characters so the movie is essentially 1 and a half hours of talking heads. The thing is I know all the arguments. I was a devout evangelical for nearly 25 years. I went to a Christian College where a few of the prerequisites and required classes were theology, biblical studies, old and new testament and philosophy. I know all the arguments. I know how to debate and theologize with the best of them. I just choose, at this point in my life, to separate from god. To not allow him in my life and to live as if he doesn’t exist. Its easier that way. Less disappointment and shallow platitudes. That way when you are talking to someone about your life you don’t end up with an earful of scripture. And if I choose to have a drink, or smoke the occasional cigarette I don’t have to pray for forgiveness. Or feel guilty for daring to participate in such sinful activities. I’m tired of all the guilt, so I’m simply choosing to not engage with it. If that means I have to disengage god in order to disengage the guilt, so be it. I’m willing to make that sacrifice.
Lawlessness45

[lawlessness45]

8-20-14
I hinted to my brother that I wanted to move back. He hinted that I was free to move back once they moved out. So looks like I’m stuck in AZ till March 2015 at the earliest. Not sure how I feel about that. Resigned, I suppose. Resigned and slightly disappointed. I can’t blame him, after everything I put them through. But a selfish part of me wants to say, “I’m better this time! It will be different!” Even though I have no guarantee that that will be the case. More often than not I’m pretty sure the cycle will end up repeating itself. Which is probably a sign that I don’t need to be on my own yet. But my god, do I want to. At least today. Don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. I’m struggling for some form of normalcy, and CO represents that normalcy. It represents comfort. And everything about AZ represents change. I’ve never done well with change.

The problem is, I can see myself living as I did before. Repeating the same behavior that made me sick in the first place. Because it would be so easy here. So easy to do and engage in. It is a pattern. It is comfortable. Guess that’s why being uncomfortable has had some different results.
All this means I should hunker down. I should really dig my claws into life in AZ. Which is really inconvenient. Or maybe not inconvenient. But it goes against what I want. Therein lies the difficulty. My inherently selfish brain wants what it wants, damn it. But I’ve been happier here this week than I have in AZ on a good day. Am I idealizing it? Probably. But it feels good to be comfortable. To feel like I fit. To feel…permanent. Like I have roots here. There are no roots in Az, even though I’ve created a bit of a network. Gah. I know what I want to do, but majorities of the people in my life are discouraging me from coming back. I want to believe that living in AZ is for the best, but I don’t feel that so I cannot say it. I am actually dreading going back this Saturday. Or not dreading it…that is a bit too strong of a word. I’m certainly not looking forward to going back to that existence. But if that’s what I have to do right now, that’s what I have to do, I suppose…so…that is that.

My mother keeps saying, “you are an adult you can do what you want,” while at the same time discouraging me from coming back here. She even goes so far as to say, “One hospital stay down there (in CO) and its over. You won’t have a choice. You will be moving here until you are stable.” What kind of choice is that? Not allowing me to fail. That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone… today has just been disappointing. And frustrating.
Lawlessness45